Aaron Dietz

Ways to Read My Novel for Free

2010-12-06T23:06:00.001-08:00

The following are some ways you can read my novel, Super, for free:
1. Read Super online. We're posting the entire novel online at a rate of a page per day, so if you don't mind reading at a slow pace, you will be able to read Super over the next 200 or so days at aarondietz.us. The first page of Super starts here. BONUS: You'll get to take each Superhero exam online and see other people's answers.
2. Put in a purchase request for Super at your local public library. Public libraries are awesome and really do want to order what people want. You can already find Super at the Denver Public Library, among others.
3. Ask for Super as a gift. If you celebrate gift-giving in some form or other (for some reason, this is a big time of year for this), put it on your Amazon wishlist, or whatever other cheesy method you may have to convey wishlist information. People may not know what to get you, after all. Somewhere in the world, there is code that lets me put a link that automatically adds Super to a wishlist, but I couldn't find it. If you want to do this, though, Super is here on Amazon.

Super Animation #2

2010-12-05T10:12:00.001-08:00

See more Super animations on Aaron Dietz's YouTube channel.

Super Animation #1

2010-11-29T22:27:00.001-08:00

See more Super animations on Aaron Dietz's YouTube channel.

A Superhero Meeting

2010-11-21T22:37:00.001-08:00

In Super, there's a chapter that consists of the minutes from a regular ol' Superhero meeting. During the TNBLE Seattle reading, I wanted to present this chapter, and instead of just reading the minutes, I ran a live meeting similar to the one that transpired in the book, including the audience as Superhero attendees of the meeting.

Thanks to Arianne Garden Vazquez for videotaping the reading, and thanks to Priya Keefe and Chris Hammersley for playing the parts of Moonclaw and Auslander!

Harry Potter Book 7 Summary - SPOILERS!!!

2010-11-17T21:52:00.001-08:00

In honor of the Harry Potter release of part 1 of the movie of book 7,
I'm reposting my entire book 7 summary, from way back when. There are
spoilers, but if you haven't read it by now, when are you ever going to?

Chapter 1

Voldemort invites a bunch of boring aristocrats over for dinner. Nobody eats.

Chapter 2

Harry Potter reads the news.

Chapter 3

Harry Potter's uncle exhibits his wizard-phobic tendencies for the
hundredth time in the series. Dudley, Harry Potter's cousin, confesses
his love for Harry.

Chapter 4

The wizards spend six pages discussing a simple plan to move Harry
Potter to a safer place. Then, Harry spends nine pages crashing a
motorcycle.

Chapter 5

Apparently, some wizard I can't remember from previous Harry Potter books dies. The remaining wizards drink.

Chapter 6

Harry, Ron, and Hermione do chores.

Chapter 7

Harry Potter opens birthday presents, makes out with Ginny, and then
makes out with a snitch left to him through Dumbledore's will.

Chapter 8

A decidedly ordinary wedding and celebration drones on for 20 pages
before an exciting message is delivered: "The ministry [of Magic] has
fallen." The chapter finally ends.

Chapter 9

The wedding celebration is crashed by Death Eaters, but Harry, Ron, and
Hermione escape lickety-split. Harry gets a headache, for the second or
third time already in this book.

Chapter 10

Harry Potter rummages around in Grimmauld Place, an old hideout of the Order of the Phoenix. He finds nothing.

Chapter 11

Harry, Ron, and Hermione continue hanging out in Grimmauld Place, doing
nothing. Harry is mean to their only two visitors: Lupin and Mundungus.

Chapter 12

Harry, Ron, and Hermione actually do something, and by "something", I
mean they sneak into the Ministry of Magic's headquarters. However,
their sneaky plan takes so long that the chapter ends before anything
cool happens.

Chapter 13

After 340 pages, something finally happens! Harry, Ron, and Hermione
steal the horcrux from inside the Ministry! Of course, I am still trying
to remember what a horcrux is and why they need it because despite this
book's excessive length, it hasn't managed to fill me in on that
(perhaps it's my fault I can't remember anything that happened in the
last book except Dumbledore dying like a wimp).

Chapter 14

Harry has a dream that doesn't make sense (for about the fifth time in the book).

Chapter 15

Ron and Harry have a fight over -- surprise -- they have a fight over how they never do anything. Ron goes home.

Chapter 16

Harry's been wanting to go to Godric's Hollow for 400 pages. He finally goes there.

Chapter 17

Harry and Hermione are attacked by a snake but escape, at the expense of
Harry's wand, which is broken in the confusing battle. The battle would
have been less confusing (and much more exciting) had Harry not been in
a magical stupor or dreaming the whole time. As it is, this fight
sequence comes across as a bad description of a drug trip.

Chapter 18

Harry reads an entire chapter of a book.

Chapter 19

Ron is lead by a mysterious light to rejoin Harry, whom Ron saves from
drowning. Ron also finds the sword of Gryffindor and destroys the
Horcrux. Then, they talk about all this with Hermione for 10 pages.

Chapter 20

Ron catches Harry and Hermione up on the latest wizard news, then they
all visit the Lovegoods to find out more about the symbol of the Deathly
Hallows.

Chapter 21

Harry, Ron, and Hermione spring a trap at the Lovegoods, but not before
they listen to tales about the Deathly Hallows. Somewhere mid-chapter,
they discuss wand lengths in a thinly-veiled penis-size joke.

Chapter 22

Harry, Ron, and Hermione listen to the radio. Then, Harry says the word,
"Voldemort" and suddenly they are surrounded by nasty folks, as the
Ministry has instituted a way of tracking the name.

Chapter 23

The trio is captured by the nasty folks (which begs the question: if
Hermione has time to cast a spell on Harry in order to disguise him, why
didn't she just grab Harry and Ron and Disapparate out of there like
she's been doing time and time again throughout the book so far?).
However, the disguise spell doesn't even matter, because Harry is
eventually found out and they are brought to the Malfoys. Voldemort is
summoned but before he can get there, Dobby the house elf saves Harry by
Disapparating him away, with the sword of Gryffindor and the goblin,
Griphook. There is a confusing moment in which I think Dobby dies
because the sword accidentally punctured him, but in the next chapter I
learn that Dobby died from a dagger thrown right at Harry Potter as they
Disapparated. Don't ask me how a dagger thrown right at Harry ends up
killing Dobby because I don't know. Dobby's last words are,
"Harry..Potter..."

Chapter 24

Harry Potter digs a grave for Dobby and figures out where the Elder Wand
is (at Hogwarts). He figures that Voldemort is going after the Elder
Wand, but since Dumbledore wanted Harry to go for Horcruxes, he decides
not to go after the wand himself. This is probably a good decision,
because if someone told me about a wand that made you unbeatable, and
then explained how the wand had been passed down from wizard to wizard
after each new owner defeated the previous owner, I'd be a little
suspicious of the "unbeatable" claim.

Chapter 25

Harry is a little surprised at himself for deciding not to try to beat
Voldemort to the Elder Wand, especially as he can "not remember ever
before, choosing not to act". Apparently, Harry has forgotten most of
the first half of this book. Harry makes an ill-advised, sneaky deal
with Griphook, the goblin, that contains a lot of ultimately irrelevant
foreboding overtones, for while Harry, Ron, and Hermione think that they
need the sword of Gryffindor to destroy Horcruxes, they are
conveniently proven wrong later on in the book.

Chapter 26

Surprise! What with all the foreboding undertones and all, no one would
actually be surprised that Griphook takes off with the sword the minute
he gets his hands on it. However, he does help Harry, Ron, and Hermione
break into a Gringott's vault. Then, the three of them escape by riding a
dragon out. In the meantime, they manage to steal the cup of
Hufflepuff, which is apparently a Horcrux. I know I'm not reading this
as closely as some Harry Potter fans, but this is the first I've heard
of this Hufflepuff cup being a Horcrux. Was this actually mentioned
somewhere earlier?

Chapter 27

For some reason (perhaps a lack of fact-checking), Voldemort thinks he's
the one that killed Dumbledore (on p. 704). He also finally figures out
that Harry is hunting Horcruxes and goes to check on them to see that
they're safe. Harry, meanwhile, reads Voldemort's mind through his
dream/bond connection and thusly finds out the "last Horcrux" is at
Hogwarts.

Chapter 28

Harry, Ron, and Hermione Disapperate into Hogsmeade, but the whole place
is swarming with Death Eaters looking for them. They are saved by
someone they recognize as the bartender from the Hog's Head, then no one
expresses any amount of surprise when they discover he is actually
Albus Dumbledore's brother. He agrees to help them sneak into Hogwarts,
then Neville Longbottom hops out of a portrait.

Chapter 29

After walking through a portrait into Hogwarts, Dumbledore's Army
gathers (this includes people I actually remember, like Luna, Fred,
George, Ginny, and Cho). Somehow, they reason that the "last Horcrux"
looks like the lost diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw, so Luna takes Harry to
see a sculpture of it so they know what it looks like. Then, they are
caught by Alecto Carrow (apparently one of the evil people I don't
remember from previous books), who immediately summons Voldemort.

Chapter 30

Luna takes care of one Carrow (both the Carrow twins I don't remember
are there now), then Professor McGonagall shows up and takes care of the
other. Then, McGonagall decides to risk it all, sends Snape into
cowardly running, and alerts the entire castle while beginning an
evacuation plan for the kids. Meanwhile, the rest of the Weasley family
shows up, as well as Lupin, Harry's whole Quidditch team, and more--they
are all ready to fight Voldemort who is at the gates.

Chapter 31

Ron and Hermione figure out a way to destroy the Hufflepuff Horcrux,
then they catch up to Harry who has figured out where the "last Horcrux"
is. They find it, destroy it, then mention that they still have to
destroy the snake, Nagini, who is apparently now the last Horcrux.
Meanwhile, they have a run-in with Crabbe, Goyle, and Draco. Crabbe dies
of his own ineptitude and Goyle and Draco need to be rescued from
Crabbe's fire creatures. At the end of the chapter, there is some kind
of confusing event (explosion?) during the battle of Hogwarts and Fred
Weasley dies.

Chapter 32

Harry, Ron, and Hermione fight their way through mayhem including
spiders, giants, and dementors. They use the tunnel that starts at the
Whomping Willow to crawl to where Voldemort is talking to Snape. Harry
spies on Voldemort as he tells Snape (essentially) that he experiences
erectile dysfunction whenever he faces Harry Potter (this is couched in
terms like "my wand failed" and such). Then, Voldemort explains that
since Snape killed Dumbledore and that Voldemort took Dumbledore's wand,
Voldemort must kill Snape to be the full "owner" of the Elder Wand. So
he has Nagini bite Snape and runs off to join the battle. Harry comes
out of hiding to watch Snape die, but when Snape sees him Snape says,
"Take it...take it..." and then dies, but not before he emits a shifty,
silvery blue non-gas that Harry and Hermione collect in a flask. We know
that Harry knows what it is because Rowling tells us, but I don't know
what it is until next chapter, because I don't remember every solid
thing about the Harry Potter universe.

Chapter 33

Voldemort gives everybody one hour to send Harry Potter to meet him in
the Forbidden Forest. Then, Harry ditches Ron and Hermione and uses the
vial of Snape's memories to do some sightseeing in Snape's past. We find
out that Snape was on Dumbledore's side all along, and had even been
asked to kill Dumbledore, and this partnership came about because of
Snape's childhood crush on Lily, Harry's mother.

Chapter 34

Harry Potter decides to go through with the plan: give himself up to
Voldemort. Apparently, Ron and Hermione could give a crap because they
don't even bother trying to find him and help. Harry grabs the
Resurrection Stone, chats with a bunch of ghosts (his parents, Sirius,
and more), sees Neville Longbottom (and tells him to kill Nagini), then
meets up with Voldemort. Harry lets Voldemort draw his wand and flash a
green light at him.

Chapter 35

Harry is suddenly in some sort of other-world. He has a conversation
with Dumbledore, where Dumbledore sort of explains that Harry is dead,
or not, depending on Harry's choice. Dumbledore seems to be saying that
since Voldemort and Harry are bound as one, Harry can go back to life,
now, without the part of Voldemort's soul that he used to be carrying.
This doesn't make a ton of sense, but whatever.

Chapter 36

Harry comes back to life, then plays dead as Voldemort has Harry's body
carried back to Hogwarts. When they get to the school, there is a brief
demonstration of Voldemort's power just before all heck breaks loose.
The centaurs and house elves get involved and Neville destroys the
"last" Horcrux by slicing up Voldemort's serpent friend (even though
Dumbledore described Harry as the last Horcrux in Chapter 35). Hasn't
there been at least three different things in this book described as the
"last Horcrux"? Never mind. Then, a battle takes place in which the
Death Eaters are routed and somehow Harry and Voldemort end up facing
off with everyone watching (and doing nothing). Then Harry explains that
Draco is the "real" master of the Elder Wand and since Harry defeated
Draco during the last few chapters, Harry is the real master now. I'm
completely unclear on a bunch of things, here. How did Draco become
master of the Elder Wand? How did Neville get a hold of the sword of
Gryffindor? (Last I knew, it was in a goblin's hands.) And I'm still
thinking it doesn't really make any sense that Harry came back to life
and all. But, whatever. Harry wins.

Epilogue

We are presented with proof that Harry and Ginny finally got it on,
because now it is 19 years later and they have three kids. Ron and
Hermione managed it, too, as they are there, sending their kid off to
Hogwarts, also. Neville is apparently a teacher at Hogwarts, but we are
given no information on what Harry, Ron, and Hermione are doing (besides
raising kids). Maybe they're just doing a lot of camping.

Super Dumb Survey/Quiz MySpace Laserz ♥ Vincent Truman Gus Sanchez Sequel 2 Conspiracy No Joke!!11!!!1!

2010-11-17T21:00:00.001-08:00

It's the Super Dumb Survey/Quiz MySpace Laserz ♥ Vincent Truman Gus Sanchez Sequel 2 Conspiracy No Joke!!11!!!1! quiz!

Neither Gus, nor Vincent, nor anyone else (all the paloozans, etc.) can be blamed for what follows, which is my attempt at writing a MySpace quiz based on my novel, Super.

1-If you were a Superhero, what would your Superhero name be?
Superman. What? Is that taken or something?

2-What would your super power be?
The power to have more than one super power. Otherwise: useless.

3-Name the first thing you would use your super powers for.
Curing starvancer (Hey, I'd do two things at once)

4-Describe your archenemy.
My archenemy would look like, sound like, and be Tila Tequila.

5-What would your weakness be?
My lack of weaknesses--gets me every time!

6-Would you have a secret identity or would you go public?
Probably secret identity. I'm not ready to go corporate.

7-Name something you would keep in your utility belt.
Another utility belt. Just in case.

8-Alleyway or rooftop?
Am I choosing where I want my groceries delivered?

9-Work solo or with a team?
With a team, until I was popular enough for my own comic.

10-Complete this phrase: "Stand aside, civilian, I'll ______"
...be wanting to use this sidewalk from 4 to 4:30 every day.

11-Would you rescue the puppy, the cow, or the snake?
I'm a vegetarian, so whichever's handiest at gardening.

12-How much do you think Superheroes should be paid?
I've heard about something called "Spades". Is that a lot?

13-Sidekick or no sidekick?
Sidekicks are basically slave labor. Accept only Fair Trade Sidekicks!

14-What will your battle cry be?
I like Monty Python's: "Run away! Run away! Run away!"

Become a Superhero: The Video

2010-11-12T14:20:00.001-08:00

My novel, Super, is a very interactive novel, and even a year or so ago, I was experimenting with ways to demonstrate what the book was like in a live setting.

The following is one such experiment, attempted in December of 2009, well before I even had a complete Superhero costume.

Thanks to Arianne Garden Vazquez and Kymberlee della Luce for volunteering, and thanks to Arianne for filming!

Become a Superhero!

2010-11-07T23:59:00.001-08:00

At the Book Release Party for Super on Tuesday night, guests will walk in and be transformed into a Superhero with complimentary capes, Superhero logos, masks, and more!

If you're not able to make it to the book release party, there are still many ways in which you, too, can experience a transition into a Superhero lifestyle!

1. Turn your phone into a Super phone by downloading a Super mobile phone background image, designed by Super book designer Charlie Potter.

2. Turn your computer into a Super computer by downloading a Super desktop background, also designed by Charlie Potter.

3. Photoshop images of your own by adding the Super logo and other official designs to your images. Download a set of Super assets here (for personal use only--you may not sell or distribute works made with these assets). Here's a low-resolution preview of the assets:

Just putting the logo on a sign is hilarious enough (see example 1 and example 2), but the following is an example of someone going way overboard (in a delightfully positive way):

Free Chapter from My Novel, Super

2010-11-04T13:25:00.001-07:00

First, download a free chapter from my novel, Super. Then, print it out (it’s one sheet of paper). Next, follow the instructions below to fold it up into a booklet.

If you’re in Seattle on Tuesday, November 9, stop by the book release party. If you don’t show up in costume, we’ll turn you into a Superhero on the spot! It’s at The Hideout, at 8pm.

How Super Came to Be

2010-10-04T08:40:00.001-07:00

Charlie Potter is the extraordinarily talented book designer behind the novel Super, from Emergency Press. The novel's storyline is presented as a series of varied county-level government documents, and so the book contains over 40 different layout styles. Potter also produced numerous illustrations that appear in the book, as well as supporting logos and documents that will be used in trailers, costumes for events, and other promotional materials.

In the following interview with Charlie Potter, the designer of Super elaborates on how the book's design came to be.

First of all, how did you come up with the cover concept? It's very catchy!

I love signs. I love danger signs the most, like the one with the truck almost tipping over on a tight corner or that guy being horribly struck by lightning. So the icon is basically taken from the sign that would indicate that there are Superheroes working nearby.

What parts of the inside of the book are you most excited about?

I’m most excited about the bits I had more creative input on. For example, the detective notes (I chose to present them in a visually-connected way, rather than as a straight-forward list of notes), the stick-figure diagram (I can’t look at it without laughing--I really can draw better than that), and the Superhero signage document.

The signage document was originally supposed to be a patrol map that tells Superheroes things like how far of a jump it is between buildings, how high up the roof is, and so on. I told Aaron, the author, that it would be odd for a hero to have a map in their pocket. When a driver first hits the street, the DMV doesn’t give you a map, but they will give you a rule book and a guide to signs. So that’s what we made: a driver’s guide for the Superhero.

But honestly, Aaron had some very visual ideas with clear direction, which is rare when working with a writer. I just had to dress them up mostly. At the same time, I had a lot of freedom with the project so I’m excited about the whole book.

This was obviously a much more complicated book to put together compared to the average novel. How did you manage that complexity, and how did you communicate with the author, Aaron Dietz, to complete the project?

Communication was pretty smooth between us--smoother than any project I’ve worked on. At the beginning, I set up a Google site with file deposit pages for inspirations, design previews, resources, and so on. We’re still using it for promotional stuff. I submitted design ideas through it and he and I commented on them or he would create Word docs with lists of edits.

The site was also good because it versions uploads, so we could revert to an old design easily if need be. At times there were a few print-outs when it was necessary to draw out an idea, but overall the process was very green. We rarely met in person about the project even though we see each other almost every day.

But the thing that helped the most was that we had a clear idea of how the book was going to be, and what it could do. This is something that was established very early and continues even now. It was a very cooperative and supportive process.

What was the biggest challenge you faced in doing this design?

The biggest challenge of this book was that I wanted it to look like an accumulation of government-made documents and logos but still make it look good, trying to ride that line of terrible and awesome.

Did you do any research to help you prepare for creating these "government-made documents"?

People can tell if you are drawing from memory or if you’re drawing from real life. So, I did a ton of research for this to make this look believable. But this wasn't too difficult and I had a lot of help and suggestions on where to look. There is just so much! In fact, I have enough material now that if there were a second book I wouldn't be drawing from any of the same sources.

What other things are you creating to help with the book's release?

Currently, I’m designing a series of posters that would encourage Superheroes from other counties to move to and work in Pike County, the setting of the novel. Most Superheroes think it’s more dangerous in Pike County and would rather live and work where their average life expectancy is higher.

Also, I created some stickers that we'll use to turn people's outfits into Superhero costumes during the book release party (this November).

What other kinds of work do you do, and is there a specific focus in your art?

I have no focus, but there are some things I’m better at than others.

I enjoy illustrating and have done a few books for a friend of the family. I would love to do more of that.

At my day job, though, I work as an instructional graphic designer; which is not too far off from what I was for this book.

Quotes From Super

2010-09-21T00:03:00.001-07:00

Quotes from my novel are up on the Super page of my Web site. I'm also printing a few here. Exclusive content, some of it!

"That's the bad thing about cable--it takes longer to decide nothing's on because you have to flip through more channels." -Alabaster Wight

"You'd think time travel would be a pretty cool power to have but it's not. Most of the time, you're told what to do by various versions of yourself who are from some future time in which you've really messed things up." -Apostolos

"Anti-Terrorist Bomb Squad is highly entertaining to play, but it fails miserable as a socially responsible video game." -Jerboa

"I know Superheroes aren't supposed to drink so much, but lately that's the only way I can get out of the costume." -Alabaster Wight

"That's funny. I usually keep the rock slab in the closet." -Auslander

Oh, and if you're interested, ask me about the Super Action Team--it's an opportunity for you to receive my undying gratitude for doing very little work to help me promote my book.

I'm just like that Scott Pilgrim character!

2010-09-13T23:23:00.001-07:00

Recently, I saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, a movie in which the main character dreams about someone he loves, then meets that person in real life.

This happened to me. Twice, actually. The first time, I woke up from the dream and couldn't remember what she looked like but I remembered her name. My friends looked her up in the school directory, and there she was. She existed. I was too shy to ever pursue it, and so that's that.

The second time it happened to me was even more strange.

During my senior year of high school, I had a dream with A__ in it (this time it was a girl I did know existed--she was in my Creative Writing class). I think we were at a baseball game or something, hanging out in a totally ordinary way. But in the dream I absolutely loved her. It was wonderful.

The next morning, I picked up my ex-girlfriend on the way to school, and I told her about the dream. She told me that she, too, had had a dream the previous night. In her dream, she absolutely loved M___, who happened to be A__'s ex-boyfriend.

Strange enough.

I went to class. In Creative Writing, we had an assignment due and that meant that during the class, we passed around our assignment for comments from our peers before turning it in. When it was my turn to read and comment on A__'s piece, I wrote, without signing my name, "You were in my dream last night."

I watched the comment sheet go around the room, and when it got to A__, she read about halfway down (where my comment was), and then immediately turned to her friend, pointing at the paper.

Her friend looked, and then turned straight toward me and stared.

Literature Is Science

2010-09-08T23:00:00.001-07:00

In an age where we are generating more content than we can possibly consume, it's desirable to pursue artistic endeavors that can produce measurable results, and to use these results to guide future artistic inquiries.

Every artistic creation that has no measurable impact contributes to a glut of immeasurable content and distracts people from a scientific development of artistic knowledge.

In 1893, Émile Zola pointed out that so little was understood about medicine that some still considered it an art.

Today, this is the state in which literature resides.

Top Time-Travel Movies of All Time

2010-09-02T08:21:00.001-07:00

This list is, of course, final. If you were thinking of making one of the best movies about time travel in the near future, you're too late, unless it's autobiographical. Because then you’d be a time traveler. So you could change time and stuff. Get it? Never mind.

1. Timecrimes. When you watch this, at first you're all, that's some freaky stuff! Then, you're all, Soylent Green is people (except people is me)! And finally you start to figure everything out, and it’s still interesting. Even without time travel ability, I can already tell it's better than the Tom Cruise knock-off version that's scheduled to come out in 2012.

2. Twelve Monkeys. Possibly the best use for Brad Pitt yet.

3. Primer. Brilliant film, though I still can't figure this one out. That bit about the party confuses me. What exactly happened there?

4. The Sticky Fingers of Time. Like any movie that combines time-travel with bisexual adventures and bionic parts, this movie is a classic.

5. Back to the Future. It's just a very fun movie. It's like the first Matrix, only from a different decade, with different technology, and a totally different plot.

6. Time Bandits. Honestly, I don't remember this movie. I remember enjoying it, but I couldn't tell you what happened. I just included it in this list because I know someone will be all, "Hey, what about Time Bandits?"

7. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn. Technically, not a time travel movie at all, but it's way better than Star Trek IV.

Super: Editor's Comments on the Manuscript

2010-08-24T22:34:00.001-07:00

During the writing of Super, I kept track of a few funny, interesting, or odd comments left by my editor from the many edits of my manuscript. And here they are:

This seems like a lot for such a short paragraph.

Costume repair.

Drugs?

Does it have to be Bob? Could it be Gary? Or Frank?

Run like hell

Is this like she's making soup?

Guns shoot bullets, and people load bullets into guns.

Yes, more wild. Wild it.

What other sites would terrorists be smart to attack in the U.S.?

Now the book gets interesting! (p. 153)

Opened 5-gallon pickle buckets.

Yep. NOW, and only NOW are you funny. (p. 161)

Super: How to Create a Glow in the Dark Sign Thing

2010-08-18T21:56:00.001-07:00

Step 1: Come up with a nifty logo (this part was done by Charlie Potter,
who is the graphic designer and book designer for the book).

Step 2: Order pizza.

Step 3: While waiting for the pizza, cut the logo out of your stencil.

Step 4: Eat the pizza.

Step 5: Test your stencil using the pizza box. Does it look cool? Oh yes, it looks cool. Good job, you. CAUTION:
Do not vandalize other people's property. It's okay to spray paint your
own pizza box, but don't spray paint anyone else's. Or anyone else's
other stuff. The principle (and law) applies to more than just pizza
boxes.

Step 6: Buy one of those glow-stick things for kids.

Step 7: Crack it and shake.

Step 8: Cut it open using a knife you don't care about, and then drain it
into a plastic cup that you don't care about. Cut slowly and carefully!
CAUTION: Do not actually do this stuff! It could be dangerous! At the
very least, get your publisher to do it while you shield and avert your
eyes! Special note to publishers: Don't do it!

Step 9: Apply glow-in-the-dark mixture to stenciled paper.

Step 10: Stand back, and then say, "What the heck does RBZ mean?"

RBZ Logo by Charlie Potter.

For more info on the book, check here: http://aarondietz.us/super

Ode to Chong Yit Seng

2010-08-10T07:47:00.001-07:00

Chong Yit Seng
of Singapore,

You wrote some code once.
And I used it.

I used the code to loop through Word docs
and convert them to XML files tagged according to an EAD specification.

I never thanked you
because I didn't know how.

Now you have a LinkedIn profile
(if that's you).

So anyway,
thanks!

Super: The Failed Book Titles

2010-08-04T21:40:00.001-07:00

Sometimes putting a title on a book is more challenging than writing the book itself. Here's a list of titles that weren't quite as good as Super. The book is about Superheroes that work for a county agency, so that's what most of these titles were attempting to express.

Superhero Suckdown
The Right Thing or Whatever
Apocalypse Management
Hostile Work Environment
To Err is Superhuman
Municipal Light and Powers
Superize Me
Rescue This Book
FOIA L-351-ORB-12
Security Blanket
Not a Zombie Book
Super Qualified
I Just Work Here
A Poorly Titled Novel That’s Actually Rather Good
Opportunity Screams
Materials that Stretch
Extra Sensitive

You Are the Hero

Super: The Synopsis

2010-07-27T07:55:00.001-07:00

I always have a bit of trouble explaining what my novel is about, so I'm lucky to have a synopsis written by the talented Alex Reed, with a few choice additions from my editor, Bryan Tomasovich.

The Synopsis

Do you need a new job?

Does the world need another superhero?

You see the connection, don’t you? If you had the chance to save lives…could you handle the adventure? The pressure, the risk, the grotesque, the insane? Most of all, could you handle your humanity? Update your resume, ‘cause here we go. Either stick with being sucked down further into your life, or earn the lift-off of the elite.

Aaron Dietz’s debut novel moves with an experimental edge into America’s heroic mythology. Structured as a novel-length job application for a superhero agency, Dietz uses his iron touch to explore themes that go far deeper than the swashbuckling world of comics and costumes. It’s a story about commitment, ability, bureaucracy, possibility, crisis, and heartbreak. Super.

Do Not Use Humans as Jet Fuel

2010-07-22T07:15:00.001-07:00

You learn something every day.

The Day Wyatt Earp Invented the Compooter

2010-07-13T21:57:00.001-07:00

Now listen here, 'cause when you're as old as me, you gets knowledge about stuff and then on occasion you force-share it on people and you can't force-share it on people who don’t listen.

I remember when Wyatt Earp invented the compooter quite well, because it was the day after the gunfight near the O.K. Corral, and me and Wyatt were all cooped up in the hotel, bored as a spent firecracker, what when Wyatt done said, "Jeeminee, homma' homma' g'boy!"

Which, if'n you knew Wyatt like I did, you knew that was Wyatt's way of proposin' an entirely new form of technology capable of doin' stuff when people did stuff to tell it what to do, which, if'n you knew Wyatt, you knew he intended to call the "compooter" because, hot dog, that's just obvious if'n you knew how he talked.

And that was the day we what wished the microchip to already have been invented because we couldn't-a figure that part out.

The next day we sent McMasters out for ice cream and then made him eat it first so we know'd it weren't poisoned.

The Good Thing About People Behaving Like Sheep

2010-07-07T07:09:00.001-07:00

Perhaps a comforting thought related to people being relatively easy to manipulate is that people can be heavily influenced by an idea, and so if the world seems too commercialized, too homogenized, or just too stupid due to a general lack of independent thought, then take heart in knowing that the right idea could easily catch on at any moment, and transform the world.

People Are Impressionable Jerks

2010-06-28T23:53:00.001-07:00

I've always been kind of nice, so when I'm approaching the same street corner as someone else I tend to stop and let them go ahead, which seems to suit them fine, as they usually make no acknowledgement of my existence whatsoever.

This never surprises me, it being that people are selfish jerks and all.

But no! I've made a frightening discovery! Recently, I've changed jackets from a simple black pea coat to an attention-getting, weird (sort of Sgt. Pepper-y) jacket. Suddenly people wait for ME at street corners!

What a bunch of jerks! Being selfish and ignoring the existence of others is actually fairly reasonable behavior, seeing as how other people are also selfish jerks, but going out of your way just to treat others differently purely based on what they wear is another, far worse kind of idiocy!

Emergency Press (My Publisher) Is Amazing

2010-06-21T21:25:00.001-07:00

My novel, Super, is being published by Emergency Press.

Not only are they incredible to work with, they're also a participant of the Green Press Initiative, and they're publishing some of the most exciting authors out there right now.

For example, Tom Hansen, Gina Frangello, and Erika Rae. I'd tell you more about them, but the trailers and excerpts are awesome, so don't let me keep you.

Tom Hansen's American Junkie

Trailer: here
Excerpts: here

Gina Frangello's Slut Lullabies

Trailer: here
Excerpts: here

Erika Rae's In a Handbasket: Notes from a Recovering Evangelical
Erika Rae's book isn't out yet, but you can sample her writing on TheNervousBreakdown.com.

The Good Thing About Getting Older

2010-06-15T07:38:00.001-07:00

The good thing about getting older is that there is less weirdness and fewer surprises.

Less Weirdness

You hug a friend in a train station in a city where you've never seen each other before. It's not weird, because heck, by this time, you can't even remember where you knew each other from anyway.

Fewer Surprises

There are fewer surprises because your memory is absent.

Oil spill? No surprise there--you're not really sure if it's a new one or the same one from before.

Ear buds not working in one ear? You've probably just gone deaf in one ear and forgot that you went deaf. Clearly nothing to worry about.

Aliens abducting you? For all you know, it happens every night. Why worry?

One Last Unrelated Thing

Go equality.

A lost cause

2010-05-25T07:27:00.001-07:00

See that? I said "lost" without capitalizing it because I wasn't talking about the TV show.

It happens.

I can do nothing!

2010-05-17T01:16:00.001-07:00

So I saw this guy sitting on some steps the other day, and I was like, "Huh. Wonder what he's doing?"

And then I realized what it was--he was doing nothing!

I totally want to try that someday. It looks awesome!

Super: The Novel

2010-05-11T07:12:00.001-07:00

I have a novel coming out this fall called Super. It'll be published by Emergency Press.

Do you want to see the cover? Oh, goodie! It's a rough cover, and could change, but here it is at the moment.

The cover art and book design is by Charlie Potter. More on him later this month or so.

Oh hey, and you know what? It takes an army for a small press to get a book out. If you want to help or have suggestions, let me know. I have an entire insane plan in the works and there is a lot to do. I mean, I've spent over $30 on stickers already.

A Jerk Almost Ran Me Over

2010-03-09T00:04:00.001-08:00

I'm walking across the street when a car screeches to a stop, nearly running me over.

"Hey moron," says the driver out the window. "You need some kind of magical way to tell cars when you're crossing or you're going to get flattened!"

I stop in the middle of the road.

"You mean, like a stop sign?" I ask.

I put my hand on my forehead and close my eyes. Concentration! Then, I quickly shoot my other arm in the direction of the corner, where there is a stop sign.

"Better?" I ask.

The driver is not amused.

Words and Phrases that Get Me Hot

2010-03-05T07:17:00.001-08:00

Documentarian

Federal Trade Commission

Pilot Books

Narcolepsy

"In fact, as the result plainly proves, he needed the assistance and
support of staunch and true friends, upon whose courage, coolness and
fidelity he could depend in case of an emergency."

American Junkie

Triangulate

Gazebo

Tom Hansen

P.S. Tom Hansen's making a rare public appearance tonight at Pilot Books for the release of American Junkie, an excellent, honest, and captivating book. 7pm, for those in Seattle that can make it. I'll be there!

Here's what American Junkie is about in Star Wars language: There is no mysterious “Force” in the galaxy (yet Darth Vader is still around, and just as deadly). This book is Luke's journey toward facing Vader, anyway, without the Force. Or a lightsaber. Also, Luke doesn’t whine all the time.

What Do Recent Windows OS's Need All that Memory/Processing For?

2010-02-26T23:54:00.001-08:00

Recommended requirements for running Audacity:

Windows 98, ME: 128 MB RAM / 500 MHz

Windows 2000, XP: 512 MB/1 GHz

Windows Vista Home Basic: 2 GB / 1 GHz

Windows Vista Home Premium: 4 GB / 2 GHz

Mac: "Audacity runs best with at least 64 MB RAM and a 300 MHz processor."

Sources: http://audacity.sourceforge.net/download/windows and http://audacity.sourceforge.net/download/beta_mac

Alternate title for this blog: "Planned obsolescence" applies to operating systems designed to require a completely new computer purchase.

Avatar: A Summary of the Movie

2010-01-19T08:31:00.001-08:00

An ex-Marine is all trying to figure out what to do with his life when he starts hanging out with a bunch of his deceased brother's friends.

Unfortunately for the ex-Marine, all of his brother's friends are into Second Life, so he gets sucked into playing it, too.

He lives on some kind of military base or something where important dramatic things are happening but instead of getting involved, he plays Second Life all day. Then, he moves in to a trailer with his brother's friends so they can play Second Life without any distractions.

He completes a bunch of awesome quests and stuff and even gets a Second Life girlfriend, though the movie never shows her IRL.

In fact, he gets so good at Second Life that his brother's friends pretty much sit around and watch him play and feed him when he's hungry, 'cause he's a superstar.

Meanwhile, there's some kind of war on.

The End.

In this breathtaking scene from Avatar, the ex-Marine and his friends watch what's going on in Second Life.

Poops Embody Life

2010-01-08T08:26:00.001-08:00

Some poops are fast, and almost effortless.

Example: A blink.

Some poops are more moderately paced and need an occasional push to keep them going.

Example: A bus ride.

Some poops need a lot of grunting and sweat to make happen.

Example: Passing true health care reform.

Other poops take their time, and no amount of huffing and puffing or sqealing about it will change their pace.

Example: The changing of the season from winter to spring.

Aboo Gabba Deedoo Alloo

2009-12-07T08:26:00.001-08:00

I stand up and take my dishes to the kitchen, belly stuffed.

"Ho, cha po," I say.

The sweetheart laughs.

"I mean really," I continue. "It's a good point. Ho cha po!"

"That's true," she says. "Ho cha po."

She rinses off a plate.

"Do you think," she says, "that someday we will just talk with words that nobody understands?"

"I don't see how that could ever arbogooben."

The sweetheart laughs.

"Frankly," I say, "the mere idea is froogoobagooku."

The sweetheart laughs again.

"Aboo gabba deedoo," she says.

"Aboo gabba deedoo ba-doo."

Sometimes Motive is Obvious

2009-11-09T07:47:00.001-08:00

Worried? Stressed out? Depressed? Don't just read the book. You have to buy it.

Creepy!

Let's play with Referendum 71!

2009-10-20T22:00:00.001-07:00

Background: Referendum 71 is being voted on in Washington State. If passed, it will allow state-registered domestic partners to receive the same legal rights as those who are married, under Senate Bill 5688.

Statement of Partiality: I'm voting for approval of Referendum 71.

The Fun: Let's look at Referendum 71's statements for and against, straight out of the handy voter's booklet from my mail!

Who Had the Best Headings? Statement For used three straightforward headings, all clear and concise: The Domestic Partnership Law Protects All Washington Families, What is Included in the Domestic Partnership Law?, and Who Supports the Law? Statement Against used four headings that relied on an anxious attack of exclamation-slanted prose (!) such as: Reject Senate Bill 5688 to Protect Children! and Reject Senate Bill 5688 to Preserve Marriage!

The Winner: I have nothing against exclamation points, but I prefer my voter "information" without blatant exciticism, so Statement For wins round one.

Who Used the Fewest Quotes? Statement For used one quoted segment for a summation statement in what appears to be an effort to let the reader know where an opinion has been expressed, as opposed to the otherwise factual information they were sharing. Statement Against quoted one state senator twice, and a representative once, and then put quotes around words like, "family unit," "husband," "wife," and "gender neutral."

The Winner: Statement Against could have shared any factual information it wanted to about the bill, but instead chose to give me three statements of opinion from state legislators. Then, they started talking about "husband" and "wife" and how the bill is going to redefine those words. Fact check: the bill doesn't redefine them. It essentially says, "Hey, let's treat some of these terms as though they are equal to any member in a domestic partnership or marriage instead of rewriting every single law using those words." That quote was mine, and the winner of this round is Statement For.

Which Side Presents the Most / Best Facts? Statement For says this bill will allow domestic partners death benefits for partners of police and firefighters killed in the line of duty, the right to use to use sick leave to care for a seriously ill partner, pension benefits for partners of teachers and other public employees, victims' rights, and more. Statement Against says "Marriage [...exists...] for the greater good of the social order," and "Marriage is about providing the most stable and healthy environment in which to raise children," and that this bill will "confuse children and likely result in public schools influencing children to accept a new definition of the 'family unit' so that same-sex partners will be a recognized norm." Of course, I don't understand how children would be confused if the definition of "family unit" was a recognized norm. It sounds like Statement Against is the one that's a little confused. They're obviously pro-marriage. And they also claim that this bill is "primarily about homosexual marriage." According to Statement Against, this bill gets more people that much closer to marriage, so you'd think they'd be for it, since they're all gung-ho about marriage being vital to the social order and all that.

The Winner: Anyway, come on, now. You know who the winner is. Statement Against wrote a very entertaining statement riddled with unsupported opinion and contradictory lines of thought. Statement For wrote a measured, level statement in support of a bill that should never have been challenged in the first place. Go Referendum 71!

How to Write Online

2009-10-06T21:06:00.001-07:00

Short sentences are good. Short paragraphs are good, too. End them quickly.

Is Anyone Out There Actually Having a Windows 7 Launch Party?

2009-10-01T23:08:00.001-07:00

Background: Microsoft's Windows 7 promotion is centered around convincing people to host a Windows 7 launch party. You can find out more about that by watching this video and trying not to throw up.

Scary Observation: Supposedly, people are doing this. In fact, according to a regional Windows 7 launch party map, there are easily over 10,000 people hosting parties in the United States, alone.

Hypothesis #1: The number of parties is a highly fabricated number.

The Scant Evidence: As Windows XP pretty much made Vista obsolete, I'm having trouble believing there are that many people interested in Windows 7.

Hypothesis #2: A large number of the comments left on this page were actually left by Microsoft marketing personnel.

The Scant Evidence: There just aren't enough typos on the comments page. I find it hard to believe that Windows fans have an higher-than-average rate of typing and grammatical accuracy.

The Request: If you are hosting a Windows 7 launch party or if you know someone who is, give me details! I want to know everything--like, why? Was it for the "party pack"? Do you love Windows? Was it an excuse to try out a new operating system so you figured, why not? I will respond with non-judgmental interest. I only want to know more.

Art Exhibits that don't Exist that I'd Like to Go to

2009-09-16T08:32:00.001-07:00

Perspective Drawings of Environments near Black Holes

Photographs of Missing LEGO Bricks

Stalwart Displays of Loyalty Expressed only in Song and Locally-Grown Produce

Brand New Works by Aaron's Favorite Artists, Living or Dead

Spontaneous Art Created Right Now While You're Watching, Using Your Limbs without Detaching or Hurting Them

(And if you've always wanted to subscribe to SPAM Publishing, the free literary e-mail publication, send a message to spam.publishing@gmail.com. Right now, in addition to 12 free issues every year, you'll also get the latest back issue!)

DA SOCIALISTS HAEV SPR3AD THEYRE EVIL TRAFIC LITES 3V3RYWHARE

2009-09-01T08:39:00.001-07:00

SO WOW LOK WUT I JUST FIND OUT SOCIALISM HAS FOUND ITS HOMA ON MILIONS OF STRET CORN3RS ACROS DA USA!11!!111 IN TEH FORM OF TRAFIC LIGHTS

Y3S!11!!! OMG LOL 3V3N THOUGH MANY US!!!!11! WTF CITIEZNS MAY NEV3R NED OR UES TRAFIC LIGHTS TH3Y PAY TAEXS TAHT SUPORT TH3M!!11!!!!

OMG THES KIND OF SOCIALIEZD WAY OF MAKNG SURE PEOPL3 R SAEF SI RIDICULOS

IMM!11!11 A P3D3STRANE Y SHUD I PAY FOR TRAFIC LIGHTS YO???!!?! OMG LOL

I'm strange, you're strange

2009-08-25T07:05:00.001-07:00

So the other day I was outside the building where I work and I saw the guy that's always out there, sitting on the metal railing.

And I said to myself, "That guy is always out here. That's so weird. What does he do?"

And then he started talking to himself, and I said, "And he's always talking to himself. That's so strange. What a weirdo."

Okay, so the USA is not a nation of idiots

2009-08-18T18:55:00.001-07:00

When the Obama administration dumped their support of the public health care option in an effort to move the current health care plan forward, I proposed that one of the following three things must be true:

1. The USA is a nation of idiots.
2. The USA's Senators are pets of the health care industry lobby.
3. Both of the above.

But a poll run by a conservative research organization turned up the following results: 83% of U.S. citizens favor a public health care option.

Now I think it's down to possibility number 2.

On Passing a Health Care Plan

2009-08-16T23:43:00.000-07:00

The Obama administration feels it's necessary to dump the public health care option in an effort to pass the current health care plan.

Perhaps instead they should just tell everyone they've removed the Death Panel section, the part about forcing everyone to use the government option, the bit about Soviet-style rationing, the section on cutting Medicare, and the part of the plan that allows tiny ants to control your brain like a video game.

That would make more sense to me.

Idiopathology

2009-07-30T20:41:00.001-07:00

I stumbled across a word the other day, which was rather coincidental, since the doctor had just uttered it and so it was weird that I should have happened to hear it at precisely the same moment, especially since I had been seeing the doctor because of a loss of hearing.

The word: Idiopathic

The definition: Of unknown cause

The reason it was uttered: The doctor couldn't figure out why my left ear hears less than it used to.

The diagnosis was given to me almost as if it were a solution. Huzzah! We have solved the problem! Your loss of hearing is idiopathic!

My future career change: Idiopathologist

Sounds like a sweet job!

Donkey

2009-07-28T08:24:00.001-07:00

That's all, really. I just liked the title for some reason.

The Internet Inspires Mass Noncommunication: A Solution

2009-07-22T22:29:00.001-07:00

The Internet's implicit encouragement of bad spelling and vapid sloganizing has run rampant to the point of mass noncommunication.

Solution: No one cares.

Prblem sovled KOL!

A Gentleman Talked to Me About Something

2009-07-20T06:47:00.001-07:00

So, I'm headed out to lunch with a friend, but the friend needs to use the restroom first, and he asks if I'll hold his book.

"Sure," I say. The book is called Cyber America.

I stand outside the restroom and people walk by and this guy in a torpedo jacket comes walking up.

He says, "Is that, like, about a horse named America?"

I look at the book.

"Um. No," I say.

"Because I had a horse named America once."

I don't say anything.

"When I was a kid," he explains, "we didn't have all this techno-babble. It was just horses and guns. And corn."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, that makes sense."

"You must be a writer," he says.

"Yeah, actually, I am."

"What do you write?"

"E-mail, mostly. Sometimes a real letter. Occasionally, I sign stuff, like credit card receipts. That kind of thing."

He points at a random, moving spot on my chest. "A real funny guy, huh? Your kind will last longer than the filthy cockroaches."

And then he decides to catch the elevator.

(Side note: if you're interested, you can now become a fan of SPAM Publishing on FaceBook.)

I started a publishing company - subscribe now! (free literature)

2009-07-14T07:20:00.001-07:00

The name of my new publishing entity is:

SPAM Publishing

The first issue is due out in early August.

What do you publish?

Literature and art meant to be absorbed online, in our particular format.

What format do you publish in?

E-mail. We publish work by sending an e-mail to all of our subscribers.

Why e-mail?

It's the most stable and consistently-used technology of the last 15 years. It's also free and viral. We publish work that people will want to send on to others, so that it will proliferate like spam. We don't make money. We only want to expose people to new and exciting literature in the most practical way possible.

How often will you publish work?

No more than 12 e-mails per year, and probably less often than that. Each e-mail will have no more than one piece in it.

How do I subscribe?

Let me know, or send a message to: spam.publishing@gmail.com

How do I submit work?

Send the work to spam.publishing@gmail.com. All work will be considered, but in general we're most interested in publishing short pieces that take advantage of the format for literary gain (and possibly comedic effect).

One Thing I Learned from Star Wars

2009-07-09T21:12:00.001-07:00

If you go into a cave, and Darth Vader comes out of the darkness, it's okay to slice Darth's head off, because it's probably just a clone of you dressed up as Darth, and your clone sucks at sword fighting, so--easily done.

And the Dry Cleaner of the Year Award goes to...

2009-06-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

Someone at the dry cleaner was bored and had a sense of humor.

Does this make it dry humor?

An Example of How I Can Tighten Up your Script, Just Like That

2009-06-21T10:41:00.001-07:00

Example: One line from Three Amigos

There's a scene where they're discussing how to handle El Guapo, the bad guy who is coming to town to kill them all or whatever. Lucky asks Ned if he remembers what they did in Amigos Amigos Amigos, and Ned asks, "Do you think it will work?"

And Lucky says, "It's got to work. It's our only hope."

I'd have changed the line to: "It's got to work. It's our only idea."

Roadnotes: The Spider, the 9-21 Earthquake Museum, and the Flight Home

2009-06-18T08:34:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on June 1 through June 5.

The Spider
We're leaving and I'm out of the house when the sweetheart goes back for something and then shouts at me to come back in. I come back in and this is on the wall:

It's easily bigger than my hand. Covered in dust.

The sweetheart says, "It's not that big, really."

The Earthquake Museum
We go to the 9-21 Earthquake Museum, a place where they don't just show you a bunch of pictures. You walk around on the site of a school that collapsed. You look through the classrooms that don't have any walls left. You see the running track and its smooth curve interrupted by the earthquake's fault line.

You also get to experience very participatory exhibits, like the one where you stand in a sound-proof bubble and yell as hard as you can (to see if you can yell loud enough to get help if you are ever trapped in an earthquake). I didn't try my hardest, but I measured at 106 decibels. Is that loud enough? I hope so.

The Flight Home
The sweetheart takes me to the airport and I mention that I didn't get to see the ocean from the plane, since during my previous flight, it was completely dark. And I have a precious aisle seat going back, so I probably won't see much of it, still.

When I get to my seat on the plane, my neighbor says, "Would you be interested in taking a window seat so that my mother can sit with us?"

I say, "For your mother, I will do that."

I'm sad to give up the aisle, but, I think, at least I'll get to see the ocean, right?

When I get to the seat, I find out it's an emergency escape aisle - spacious and wonderful, and so spacious that anyone can get out of their seat at any time without bugging the other two passengers.

Perfect.

Roadnotes: Dragonboats, Asking Directions, Scenic Urinals, CostCo

2009-06-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on May 30 and 31.

A Hard-Worker and an Honest Face
While hiking in Hehuanshan, in central Taiwan, a man approaches us and says he can read faces. He says the sweetheart is tough and hard-working. He says I have an honest face.

The Bench on Top of the World
Still at Hehuanshan, the fog starts to roll in below us, turning an already scenic bench into the most spectacular bench in the clouds.

The Tree Tomato and Magic Tricks
That night, we stay at a bed & breakfast in the mountains, where our room has a tea nook with a view that rivals the one above. The owner entertains us with magic tricks and tells that the juice we're drinking is made fresh from the tree tomatoes that grow on a tree that we can see from the balcony. They also grow kiwi, mint, and about a thousand other things right there on the mountainside.

Sheep Show and a Yummy Leaf
Before we come down from the mountain, we take in a sheep show, where a sheep dog corrals a bunch of sheep so quickly that the people running the show have to make jokes for a half hour to make the show a half hour long. Then, we have lunch at a Buddhist vegetarian restaurant, where we eat a dish with a rare leaf in it that we will probably never get to eat again, since it only grows right there, as far as anyone knows. It was a yummy leaf.

Roadnotes: Dragonboats, Asking Directions, CostCo

2009-06-07T12:56:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on May 28 and 29.

Dragon Boat Races
In Lukang, we watch several rounds of dragon boat races, then wander through the streets to check out the rest of the festival. I had participated in dragon boat racing when I lived in Denver, so it was nice to see the real thing.

Asking Directions vs. Maps
Throughout our travels, the sweetheart relied heavily on asking directions from strangers. This worked pretty well. In Lukang, however, we ask directions from a man, and he goes straight to a map on a wall nearby, reads the map, and gives us the wrong directions. If this is what happens when people read maps in Taiwan, I can see why the sweetheart relies on verbal directions.

Scenic Urinals
The next day, we eat lunch at a classy Japanese restaurant. It's an excellent 7-course meal, and even the urinals have a scenic view.

CostCo
After dinner, we have to pick up a few things at CostCo. Having never been to a CostCo myself, it's truly the most frightening thing I've experienced thus far in Taiwan.

Roadnotes: Hospital Care

2009-06-03T22:07:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on May 27.

Before I left for Taiwan, I had an ear infection and antibiotics to take. I was also deaf in one ear, apparently because of congestion and water in the ear and whatnot, although the doctor used a more technical term.

On May 27th, I was still deaf in one ear and I was out of antibiotic, so we went to a Taiwanese hospital to see what's going on. The doctor there said I still had a little infection, so he prescribed me an antibiotic and a decongestant.

Total cost: Even without Taiwanese insurance, it cost the equivelant of about $14 U.S. That's less than my copay in the United States.

The whole process was very efficient, too. They put you on a list, call a number, and wallah! You are whisked through the system when your number comes up.

Roadnotes: Hualien (communications from spirits and hitchhikers)

2009-06-01T17:19:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on May 25 and May 26.

A Plan for Avoiding Falling Rocks
At Taroko Gorge National Park, they take safety very seriously. That's why they have signs everywhere that tell you to keep moving--that way it's harder for the rocks to hit you!

A Spirit Talks to Me
While enjoying a peaceful moment of respect at a shrine in Taroko Gorge National Park, a thought popped into my head that we should hurry. I tell the sweetheart and we head back down the series of steps we had just climbed. We're thinking that it's because of the weather, because it can be nasty when it rains there and it looked like it could rain any minute. We get to the bottom just as a monk's bag of bottles to recycle breaks open, so we help her collect the bottles. Whatever spirit watches over that shrine definitely cares about recycling!

Hitchhikers
The weather stays nice, despite everyone around us telling us it's about to pour, so we keep hiking. While driving to the next trailhead, we pick up hitchhikers who are trying to get to a trail that's on our way. Oddly enough, one of them is from Seattle, though they live in California at the moment.

Hitchhikers Part II
Coming back from yet another short hike, we run into the California people again and they're looking for a ride back to Hualien, which is where we're staying, so we give them a ride again.

Crocs
In Hualien, we take in the night market, and then walk around downtown. There, I trade in my flip-flops for Crocs. Yes, they look ridiculous, but they are SO much more comfortable than my $2 flip-flops. I didn't realize how difficult it was to walk in flip-flops until I switched.

Some More Stuff
The next day, we visit a Japanese temple and write a prayer on a delicate-looking piece of wood. Then we paddle boat across Liyu Lake. Then, we catch the train all the way back to Wu-Fong.

Coming up next: Hospital Care

Roadnotes: Taipei

2009-05-31T02:58:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on May 23 and May 24.

Jade Cabbage
We take the high speed rail from Taichung to Taipei. The first stop is the National Palace Museum, a place where things are actually old. They've got stuff from just about every dynasty, seems like, and an especially interesting jade cabbage.

Super Boots
Next, we take in Taipei's night market, where I buy some boots that will be perfect for a project I haven't officially announced yet (pictures will be posted eventually).

Pig Intestines
After the night market, we meet friends of the sweetheart's for dinner. I try pig's blood and pig intestine. The blood was fairly tasteless. The intestine was actually super good, but had a disgusting texture. It was like chewing...well, intestines.

Stinky Tofu
Later that night, I try stinky tofu, which wasn't bad, but apparently also not as stinky as some vendors' stinky tofu.

Taipei 101 Looks Like Bamboo
The first stop after breakfast the next morning was the tallest building in the world. What can I say? It's tall. Oh yeah - and apparently it was designed to look like a bamboo stalk. We didn't go up to the top because I didn't want to spend one hour of my life that day waiting to ride an elevator. But still, we could pretty much see that it was tall, so we felt satisfied moving on.

The Perfect Bed
We stepped into a great store called Muji, where things don't have a brand label, they're designed very simply, and they actually have products I want to buy. Unfortunately, it would be ridiculous to ship the perfect simple bed overseas, otherwise, I'd have paid the price. However, Google tells me they have Muji in NYC, so maybe I can ship from there. I'll look into it as soon as I'm not having fun.

Eslite Bookstore
Next, we checked out a very large 24-hour bookstore called Eslite. They had a lot of well-designed books, and great sub-categories, like Hypertext Literature.

Last Meal
My last meal in Taipei was an extremely excellent tofu burger at California Grill (not the chain). So yummy....

Roadnotes: Foot Massage, Paper Dome, Sun Moon Lake

2009-05-28T19:27:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on May 21 and May 22.

I'm still fresh off the plane, for the most part, and we decide to go for a foot massage. Or more like, those who can speak Chinese decide to go for a foot massage and I follow along.

I've never had a foot massage before in any language, but it's clear that I'm a tense person. Just about everything the massuese does causes at least a tiny little bit of pain, which I'm supposed to alert the masseuse to, but the real options are these:

Try to figure out how to tell someone I'm in pain in a language I don't know, or wait three seconds for him to do something else. And I can easily sit through three seconds of pain.

My foot massage diagnosis? I need sleep and I spend too much time sitting wrong and staring at computer screens. That's deadly accuracy.

The next day we head to the Paper Dome. It's a domed building made largely out of paper. The benches you sit on are an interesting kind of cardboard (or something) and the dome is treated so it won't be destroyed by the rain.

After the Paper Dome, we drive to Sun Moon Lake. Since it's right on the lake, we check out Wenwu Temple. There are people selling food all around the lake, so I have my first tea egg. It's a hard-boiled egg that's boiled again in tea. Absolutely yummy.

The sweetheart's mom goes by a strict rule of one egg per day, no more. Otherwise, I'd have had another tea egg immediately.

Roadnotes: The Heat

2009-05-27T03:06:00.001-07:00

I'm in Wu-Fong, Taiwan. The humidity wraps itself around me.

To survive this kind of heat, you have to adjust your thinking.

If you think of the heat as your enemy, you're finished.

The trick is to think of the heat as Earth's loving embrace, as a gentle promise that no matter what, you will not be cold. If you can think of it that way, then it's like walking around with a god hugging you non-stop.

It also helps to suddenly become a sandals person.

Roadnotes: Taipei to Wu-Fong

2009-05-26T09:25:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on May 21.

I'm in the car with the sweetheart. We haven't seen each other in over two months and there's absolutely no weirdness.

"So," I say, "is it really foggy or is all that pollution?"

"Pollution," she says.

Even so, it's quite pretty.

Roadnotes: Seattle to Taipei

2009-05-22T06:50:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on and May 20 and May 21.

It's only the beginning of the trip and I'm pretty sure I don't know how to do anything:

1. How to unfold the table out of the armrest.
2. How to pull the movie screen watcher thing up.
3. How to tell what time it is.
4. How to figure out how far we've traveled.
5. How to eat my vegetarian meal without any utensils.
6. How to time the bathroom run.
7. How to call an attendant to get some water.

But eventually I figured it all out. So don't worry.

And, after all that, going through customs was a breeze.

Roadnotes: Sea-Tac International Airport

2009-05-21T05:04:00.001-07:00

The following is based on events that occurred on May 19 and May 20.

I use my credit card to buy water from a vending machine. The directions on the machine tell you to press END to complete the transaction, but I can't find an END key.

I kind of feel like falling to my knees and pounding the machine repeatedly, shouting, "There is no end. There is no end."

But of course, there's always an end. It's what gives things value.

I press CLEAR. That seems to do the trick. Otherwise, I'm buying water for everyone until someone installs an END button.

Some youngsters traveling together are discussing their lives, which means they're discussing their virtual lives.

Someone from Canada that somebody didn't know friended somebody on FaceBook and then they chatted and it turns out that someone is so-and-so's best friend from before they moved to somewhere.

You can relax now, since you finally know who that is.

Roadnotes: Check

2009-05-19T21:11:00.001-07:00

Hepatitus A vaccination
Hepatitus B vaccination
Typhoid vaccination
Prescription traveler's diarrhea medicine
Ear infection
Antibiotic for ear infection
Affrin
Prescription cough medicine
One-quart clear zip-top plastic bag
Asprin
Tums
Flip-flops
Business cards
Gum
Camera
Camera battery charger
Cord for moving images off of camera
Laptop
Laptop adapter
Mouse
Persian rug mouse pad
Plug adapter (3-prong to 2-prong)
Web cam
Ear buds
Printed itinerary
Pajama bottoms
9 outfits treated with permethrin
Extra permethrin for the sweetheart
Insect repellent
Hand sanitizer
Puffs travel pack
Gift for the sweetheart
Northwestern Wine for the sweetheart's family
Seattle-made organic Fair Trade chocolate for the sweetheart's family
Shaving gel
Razor with some stupid name thought up by Gillette
Electric razor
Electric razor charger
Burt's Bees deoderant
Hair brush
Sonicare toothbrush
Floss
N95 respirators
Passport
My Name is Earl (Season 3)
Journal
Pens
Notepads
The Complete Stories of Saki
Exile and the Kingdom
KNOCK #11
McSweeney's #24
Lonely Planet Taiwan
Chinese PhraseFinder and Dictionary
Parka
Hat
Sunblock

Pharmacist Tells Me: "Oh wow, that porn looks good!"

2009-04-29T06:59:00.001-07:00

I was picking up the latest vaccinations for an impending trip to Taiwan and the pharmacist shouts, "Oh wow, that porn looks good!"

I thought: ?

I looked at my grocery basket, and saw the corn sitting on top. So apparently I just have bad ears.

Once Again, the Internet Solves a Problem that Doesn't Exist

2009-04-27T06:05:00.001-07:00

Once again, the Internet solves a problem that doesn't exist by giving us the @ symbol in a new context: when you're speaking to someone specific.

Problem that doesn't exist: People have no problem identifying whom they are speaking to by typing things like the following.

Allie:

or

Marmaduke:

The Internet decided this convention was too easy to understand, and thus, the @ symbol was reinvented. Now, newbies have to wonder for a second about the following syntax:

@Joe

Way to go, Internet! We're all excited by the way you abstractualize simplicity.

@Internet u r so smartz.

I'm going to work now...

2009-04-21T08:11:00.001-07:00

Bye! I'll write! And I'll take lots of pictures!

You'll be fine, without me. Honest!

You're so enterprising; you'll be as busy as if I'd never left!

Come on, now. Wipe those tears away.

There is a book in every one of you...

2009-04-15T19:59:00.000-07:00

There is at least one book in every one of you.

Take Giovanni Diviacchi, for instance, a standup comic out of D.C....

Like all standup comics, Giovanni had some jokes about lawyers. However, one night "some attorney friends...were complaining about the lawyer jokes in my act," Diviacchi says, "so we decided to turn the tables and write a joke book for lawyers."

And that's just what he did. Now, his book is probably the best possible kitschy gift you can give to a lawyer friend or attorney relative.

Also, the book (How Many Clients Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?) was a Stephen T. Colbert Award for the Literary Excellence...nominee. I know, because it's got a little sticker-stamp on my copy of the book that says so.

And just because it's better to let the work speak for itself, here's some text from between the pages:

A client asked his long-time family lawyer to come to his deathbed with a Bible.

"Would you like me to read to you?" asked the lawyer of his client.

The client shook his head weakly and said, "No, I want you to find the loopholes."

There you have it. If you would just get off of the couch, you, too, could write a book that gets a stamp about a nomination for an award that's pretty much made up, from a certain point of view. Now get moving! The book isn't going to write itself unless you're rich!

And the Recycler of the Year Award Goes to...

2009-04-08T08:23:00.001-07:00

And the Recycler of the Year Award Goes to...

I.M. Pei, for soaking a cardboard container from a frozen meal. After soaking it, the remnants of cheese were easily removed so the container could be placed in the recycle bin.

Dangerous: Many City Newspapers Owned by Same Company

2009-04-05T21:19:00.001-07:00

It's a dangerous situation: many U.S. cities have "competing" newspapers that are essentially owned by the same company.

This could be considered a dangerous trend for free speech, except for the following:

Nobody reads the newspapers anymore.

Problem solved LOL!

Roadnotes: Portland

2009-03-30T22:44:00.001-07:00

I take the train to Portland and quickly realize that everyone here is serving Stumptown coffee. You go to the coffee shop, they're serving Stumptown coffee. You go to the breakfast place, they serve Stumptown coffee. You go to the bar, they serve Stumptown coffee. You go to the post office, they serve Stumptown coffee. You go to the bathroom, they serve Stumptown coffee. I swear.

Fortunately for me, I love Stumptown coffee.

We meet up with Spilt, F.R.A.N.I., Armatronix, and A at the Sapphire Hotel. We talk about blogging and how it isn't what it used to be.

Spilt mentions that it's weird to see everyone's real name on FaceBook. Everyone agrees.

The next day I'm at a restaurant and I am told I can help myself to a "bev", so yes, there are people who talk like that.

Saturday, I take in the Velveteria with family. Some of us are more interested in the black light room than the art of the paintings.

Sunday is BrickFest. A lot of hype, but all in all, about the same thing or less than the NW BrickCon. But don't take that to mean it didn't please me.

And then, I get "treated" to Madagascar II on the train back to Seattle. Woo.

Portland, this Friday, extreme hanging out, woo

2009-03-23T23:00:00.001-07:00

I'm going to be in Portland this weekend.

Invited: You.

The time: 9:30pm, Friday, March 27.

The place: The Sapphire Hotel (not to stay the night there - instead: to eat, drink, and hang out)

Extreme-ness: While relaxing, eating, drinking, and talking, we're all going to hold one hand up, with both end fingers raised. EXTREME!!!!!! Woo.

Text from the hotel's Web site: "Sapphire Hotel is a sexy, candlelit bar in the lobby of what was once a traveler's hotel and local brothel in Portland Oregon."

Guess What I was Googling: A Game!

2009-03-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

The Challenge: Guess what I typed into a Google Image Search to find the following image.

Hint: Four words.

Clue: I did not find what I wanted.

Let's be ridiculous in person: Converge upon Seattle in May

2009-03-08T20:34:00.001-07:00

Vincent Truman* and I want to hang out with every single one of you. In Seattle. Soon.

We've tentatively selected Memorial Day weekend, but that can change depending on availability and demand. Can't make it but want to? Suggest another time. Mention your level of interest here, or on Vincent's blog.

Probable major events: a dinner at some scrumptious restaurant, and a small theater performance by everyone who wants to perform, and for all those who want to watch.

Probable mini-events: runs to all the great city parks, all the great Seattle neighborhoods, a run to Portland, runs to the mountains, and more** (basically whatever you want to do).

Incidentally, I'll be in Portland for Brickfest the weekend of March 29. I'm reserving one night for family, but another one could wind up being some kind of blog get-together thing, perhaps. Anyone up for that?

* If you don't know Vincent, that's too bad, since everything I do is copied directly from him.

** By "runs", I don't mean to imply that you actually have to run. Walking, standing still, riding a bus, and/or riding a car is also okay. Or other stuff is okay, too, especially if you can fly. Good for you, if that's the case. We're all very aware of how much better you are than the rest of us. Oh yeah, wow.

TV sets should be kept underwater

2009-03-03T21:33:00.001-08:00

TVs.

I think they should be underwater.

And that way if you want to watch, you have to hold your breath, and you'll never watch too much, or else you'll die, which will appropriately enact a positive evolution on humanity.

Or, people will grow gills, which is also cool.

(Inspired by Dabi.)

3 Reasons Why I Haven't Blogged Much Lately

2009-03-03T08:22:00.001-08:00

1. I've been too worried about my vast investment portfolio.

2. I'm really you, and let's face it, you've been lazy, lately.

3. One cannot blog, for the blog has already been blogged, and always will have been. Also, I've been writing a book.

Before You Scoff...

2009-02-17T22:53:00.000-08:00

When you scoff at all the ridiculous people who don't know any better, it appears to them as though you're one of those ridiculous people who don't know any better, and to top things off, you're scoffing.

A Conversation I Almost Had

2009-02-12T22:47:00.001-08:00

Aaron Dietz: Hi, this is Aaron Dietz, returning your call about [such-and-such].

Nigh-Conversator: Hi. Thanks for calling me back.

AD: No problem. I wanted to [such-and-such], so, is this a good time to talk?

NC: I'm actually on the other line, sorry. Can I call you back?

AD: Sure. I'm actually relieved, because I didn't really have the time to talk, either. You see, I'm on another line, too.

NC: Why would you call someone else if you were already on another line and couldn't talk?

AD: Probably for the same reason you picked up my call while you were on another line and couldn't talk.

NC: Pavlovian instinct?

AD: [Drools]

NC: Well, I'm glad we had this talk.

AD: Yes. We've cleared up a few things. 'Gotten some things figured out.

NC: [Drools]

AD: [Drools]

[Click]

I'm Being Taught in New York

2009-02-08T23:42:00.001-08:00

My first book, Reserved for Emperors is being taught in New York, which fulfills a miraculous prophecy emitted by Fantastic H, herself.

She once said to me, "You will be studied," and then--BAM!

This puts Fantastic H right up there with Pop Conspiracy in the rankings of People Who Have Pretty Much Basically Sold My Book to a Lot of People.

And, in other news, I'm writing for TheNervousBreakdown.com, now. My first piece is here: Hooray, I Don't Make Toothpaste.

OMG, 25 OMG Things About, Zomg, Me.

2009-02-06T08:26:00.001-08:00

No, there aren't 25 things about me here. And I tag all of you in spirit because you're all in this, whether you want to be or not.

Equal rights.

Economic crisis.

* Title of this blog stolen with permission from Wise Majestic Sharna of the Winds.

Religious School's Discrimination Against Lesbians Could Spark Witch Hunt

2009-01-30T08:19:00.001-08:00

An appeals court in California recently upheld a decision that supported a religious school's right to expel two students based on sexual orientation.

If you're a religious person who actually believes that being gay is a spiritual offense, this might seem like a victory.

In reality, it's not. In fact, if the decision is upheld (they're trying for an appeal to the State Supreme Court), it could be the end of religious institutions that attempt the same form of discrimination.

Any religious institution that follows suit risks losing more than the many fantastic, religious, beautiful people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transexual church-goers. They risk losing all people who understand what's coming: a witch hunt.

The ruling doesn't just support a religious institution's right to discriminate based on sexual orientation. It gives religious institutions the right to discriminate against anyone, as long as they use religious beliefs to justify it.

Scenario: Orianne doesn't like Andrew because Andrew sometimes hums to himself. Whoops--Andrew ate meat on the wrong day and now Orianne can get him fired! Hooray for Orianne!

But boo for humanity.

Yes, Prop 8 is Discrimination

2009-01-22T23:21:00.001-08:00

Some people are convinced that Proposition 8 (the California measure that limits marriage to one man and one woman) doesn't take away any rights from the LGBT community.

They claim that through things like a strong will, power of attorney, and more, an LGBT couple can have the same rights as a straight, married couple.

Let's take a look at how equal these scenarios are.

Situation One: A Man and Woman Want to Marry

Man: "Hi, woman. Let's marry."

Woman: "Okay. Let's go to the court house and get that done right now."

Man: "One simple document. How nice!"

Woman: "Easy peasy! We'll have time for coffee and a doughnut afterward!"

Situation Two: An LGBT Couple Wants to Marry

Partner 1: "Hi partner. Let's marry."

Partner 2: "Actually, that's illegal, but we can have all the same rights as a married couple."

Partner 1: "Oh, goodie. I'll call the accountant and find out how we can avoid the estate tax should one of us, heaven forbid, pass away before the other."

Partner 2: "Good thinking. I'd better call the attorney and find out how I can be allowed to visit you if you're ever in the hospital."

Partner 1: "Well, hey! That's not going to take much time at all! And after that, there are only one thousand one hundred thirty six more federal rights we need to get back in order for us to have the same rights as a married couple!"

Partner 2: "That's the spirit! At this pace, we'll be done setting this all up in about a decade--that is, if I don't have to take a second job to pay all the attorney costs and filing fees!"

Partner 1: "I suppose that will slow us down if you're working two jobs, but it's worth it, just to get the rights that we're not being denied!"

It's true. There are 1138 federal rights that LGBT couples do not have when they are denied marriage. Saying that LGBT couples can simply regain those rights by filling out paperwork, consulting expensive professionals, and paying processing fees for acquiring those rights is equivalent to giving all people the right to vote, but forcing some of those people to fill out special forms.

Thus, Prop 8 is discrimination.

And don't get me started on the psychological effects of facing people that don't recognize your marriage just because they have a specific interpretation of a book.

How Starbucks and Microsoft can Save the Economy of the Northwest

2009-01-19T08:11:00.001-08:00

While I don't have an allegiance to Starbucks or Microsoft, I do want the Northwest's economy to do okay, both for my own eventual well-being and peace of mind, as well as those of my friends.

Here's how Starbucks and Microsoft can save the Northwest:

Starbucks

Quit competing with McDonald's and do what Starbucks does best: sell pretension. When people see the McDonald's ads aimed at Starbucks ("Four bucks is dumb. Now serving espresso."), they need to be reminded that, to a slave growing coffee, four bucks is not dumb.

Action Plan: 100% Fair Trade espresso drinks within one year. Bonus points for adopting standards better than Fair Trade. Boom. Everyone buying espresso drinks at McDonald's feels like a cad.

Microsoft

Develop software for technology needs that exist and will exist in the near future. This is way better than developing an entire operating system based on sucking resources just to justify replacing hardware that already has enough memory.

Action Plan: Cell phones are computers. Why don't they run on Windows? As much as I fear Microsoft becoming the dominant cell phone software company, it could save the Northwest. And, there's something to be said for knowing how to use a brand new cell phone without experience, just because you're familiar with the software. Hey, it's better than trying to convince people they want Vista.

Random Statements

2009-01-15T08:33:00.001-08:00

Does the player rule the world?

What can you do to assign yourself a muffin?

A student wants to demonstrate fallopian inheritance.

If a court decides you are violating the copyright of a dog, it is time to run.

A student describes the underpinnings of societal mores.

The lines are triumphant.

Follow these steps if your computer is not behaving well.

When in doubt, it's best to organize the pottery.

Add a tourniquet.

What should the band do to make her feel better about the blues?

There are many more heavens than are dreamt of in your cupboard, Horatio.

Viruses hunt for dogs.

Roadnotes: Iowa

2009-01-14T08:34:00.001-08:00

The following is based on events that took place a little while ago now; I can't even remember when.

We get off the plane.

The Sweetheart's all, "Look at the roads!"

I'm all, "Yeah. They know how to remove snow, here."

I beam with Iowa pride.

Xmas passes.

We box up stuff to ship because we didn't bring huge empty suitcases.

We go home, spoiled.

In a Cheesy Legal Thriller Novel, I am an NSA Goon

2009-01-07T07:54:00.001-08:00

It's true. In the novel Case of Lies, by the author team up that calls themselves Perri O'Shaugnessy, I am an NSA goon. See for yourself:

Okay, the linebacker body type was a little off, but they got the silent act down. And I do like a good water.

Okay, sometimes it might look like I'm regarding people as Nabokov might have regarded a specimen butterfly before spoking it, but I'm not into decorative insect corpses, I swear. I try to respect the right of living things to die without being on display. Once again, though, they got the silent act down.

That does sound like something I'd say if I were NSA. But I'd probably follow this up with a discussion of semantics involving the word "nation".

I'll have to try the tie-yanking thing, though I'm not sure exactly what an angry tie yank means, or how it affects a conversation. Is that like saying, "Leave me alone already"? Or is it a "I'm getting angry. Hulk. Hulk. HULK!" kind of thing?

I used to chew on my fingernails when I was young, but I've given up the habit. In this novel, though, I'm not sure if this is a sign of me being frightened or bored. Or perhaps the Dietz character had to be mentioned because he wasn't in the previous five pages and people might wonder what he was doing for that entire five page conversation.

The suspense is killing me, but this is the last we hear of Aaron Dietz, the NSA agent, in this book. Maybe he just evaporates into thin air, as I hope to do when I'm ready to leave this world.

Cheesy Legal Thriller Question: If you were in a cheesy legal thriller novel, what would your character be like?

When Does a Problem Become a Crisis?

2009-01-04T23:24:00.001-08:00

Having recently been on a bus with someone who claimed that Hurricane Katrina wasn't as messed up as the recent snow inundation of Seattle, I pondered the criteria required for a problem to become a crisis.

The problem: Several repeated snowfalls of 4 to 6 inches in a city with virtually no ability to remove snow.

The side effects: Reduced business viability in the form of reduced hours, reduced patronage, and the sheer impossibility of getting anything done when you can't go anywhere.

So, Seattle had some snow. Usually, the snow melts quickly. This time, it didn't, and more snow happened. Thus: a problem.

That being said and accepted, how much snow would it take for someone in Seattle to call in the National Guard? It would be unthinkable to call on the National Guard to get rid of a six inch snowfall.

But what if that same amount of snow fell ten times over ten days? It's like unpacking a suitcase: you take out one thing at a time and don't see any difference, until suddenly: there's the bottom of the thing, peeking out between the jeans and dirty underwear.

This only partially explains how Hurrican Katrina became a severely mismanaged crisis (especially since there was data that indicated a looming crisis). Nevertheless, in many cases, a crisis happens gradually, then suddenly*. You see the gradual changes, but it's hard to see each small problem as part of a collective crisis until it's suddenly too late.

Usually, there is no algorithm for detecting a crisis because a crisis is either easy to detect (example: a 200 foot wall of water about to hit your city) or the crisis is produced by cumulative effects (like moderate snowfalls that happen repeatedly for many days).

I'm not saying Seattle entered the crisis stage a couple weeks ago. I'm just pointing out that it could have, without anyone noticing, if there had been just a little more snow...and a little more...and a little more after that.

* Thanks to Hemingway, or whoever first used that phrase.

Remember to Plan for the New Year

2009-01-01T14:07:00.001-08:00

As you make plans for 2009 to be even better than 2008, be sure to think of everything. Here's an example:

Roadnotes: Seattle to Iowa

2008-12-29T21:49:00.001-08:00

The following takes place on December 24th, a time when all of Seattle had been bathed in snow for many agonizing, city-shut-down-ing days.

We decide to take a bus that will take us to another bus that will take us to the airport.

We could drive, but that would be near-suicide on some streets. We could catch a cab, but all the cabs were in high demand and weren't taking calls from dispatch--we'd have to be lucky enough to catch one that was willing to go to the airport.

We could have called a shuttle, but I doubted that the shuttle would be able to navigate the fresh snow on the side streets.

So we got on a bus that was going to take us to another bus that was going to take us to the airport.

A man got on the bus after us, sat down nearby, then said, "Man, I been through Hurricane Katrina and it wasn't this messed up."

I immediately wrote that down. 30 minutes later we started waiting the 50 minutes it would take to wait for the next bus that would take 50 minutes to get to the airport. But we made our flight. Oh yes, we made our flight.

Seattle's Snow Removal Plan (and a tip on cool virtual stuff for kids)

2008-12-22T21:01:00.001-08:00

Seattle's snow removal plan:

Wait until it goes away.

And I bet you it's going to work, eventually.

And if you know kids that need something to do over winter break, consider a virtual camp course. I'm only plugging them because they really are very cool, don't involve anyone going out in the cold, and the kid will create something awesome, no matter which you choose to sign up for. (But my suggestion and favorite is the Game Design course.)

Quirky Movie I Want To See

2008-12-22T00:08:00.001-08:00

Stay the Same Never Change

You can watch a quirky trailer here. It'll be at Sundance, just in case any of you are going.

Brought to you by Laurel Nakadate, the same artist that flew to Japan just to film herself having imaginary sex with ghosts in hotel rooms. Brought to you by the same artist that filmed herself standing in a girl scout uniform as the World Trade Center burned behind her. Brought to you by the same artist that filmed herself trying to teach old men Britney Spears moves.

The Cold

2008-12-18T08:17:00.001-08:00

What a stupid idea.

Why Farts Follow You

2008-12-15T22:55:00.001-08:00

The Phenomena: You fart, just outside of a car or an elevator. When you get in the car or elevator, somehow, the fart smell appears. It has seemingly followed you as if by magic!

Hypothesis: When you fart, a good deal of the heavy matter (particles with the offending smell) stays in your clothing. As you move, sway, or breathe, the heavy matter is released in steady doses over the next few minutes.

The Experiment: Next time you have to fart and are about to get into a car or elevator, get naked. Without your clothes, the heavy matter's release will be unrestricted and the scent will not follow you.

Remember: Only together (and naked) can we discover the truth about farts.

Jeremy is Great, So Why Doesn't Someone Give Him a Job?

2008-12-07T19:24:00.001-08:00

Jeremy is, of course, great, just in case you didn’t read the title, so you should totally find him a job! What is the number one reason he’s great? He’s "a damn funny guy with superb writing skills." Those are his own words, so you know it’s true!

Also, he’s an ex-Marine. How much more badass can you get? What, you want to work with a SEAL? Forget it. Didn’t you watch The Abyss? It's a documentary about a SEAL that freaks out and tries to nuke an alien underwater civilization (without cause, mind you). That's not good work ethics in practice! Nothing wrong with Marines, though. Yes, a Marine is exactly the kind of person you want to share an office with.

Yep, and he can fly planes, which means he’s not just a huge mass of muscle-flesh. He knows how to punch buttons and stuff. Plus, he’s decorated with Air Medals and a Purple Heart. What are Purple Hearts given out for? He had to get hurt to get it—wounded somehow. Either that or he had to have done some pretty awesome, badass, meritorious thing. Or both. How sweet would it be to work with someone who can do meritorious things?! Really freaking sweet, that's how sweet!

No, but I know—you want a nice guy, too. Not just some muscle bound hunk of manhood. He’s got to be a nice person. That’s Jeremy! He cares about stuff, like equal rights for gay people (see source)!

More evidence that Jeremy’s a nice guy? Simple: he puts the toilet seat down. Honest (see source). You KNOW you want to work with a guy who puts the seat down in the unisex restroom!

Yep. But really, he’s a nice guy, he is. He likes helping people. He once helped a woman get her air conditioner working again (she was about to die of heat exhaustion). And it wasn’t because he was trying to get into her pants, either, because she’s a lesbian (see source). See? Really, he is a nice guy.

I’d probably hate him for being one of those manly men I don’t get along with except that he’s also mega-freaking smart. And smart people are entertaining. Entertainment can help you get through a dreadful work week, that's for sure! When you're working overtime, you want to be near someone who can say something interesting to break up the monotony of life. That’s Jeremy! He can tell you how to see the future in a slushee (see source) or regale you with humorous tales of drunken abandon (see source).

Did I mention he’s a nice guy?

And his hair—is not going to be talked about in this essay. But you can see that he’s not ugly by looking at his photos (see photos), which also serve as proof that he’s capable of holding small children without injuring them. That's TOTALLY who you want to work with!

To sum up: ex-Marine, nice guy, smart, entertaining, looking for work. Jeremy is great. He's looking for something in "Biz dev in Entertainment", so hook him up!

Jeremy, with one of the many people who would LOVE to work with him.

I reduce thousands of novels to two sentences

2008-12-04T08:26:00.001-08:00

I had really good Indian food there once.

And then I kept going back and it was never that good again.

Roadnotes: Tacoma / Portland

2008-12-01T23:30:00.001-08:00

So, I went to Tacoma.

I had room service and chose the only non-vegetarian item on the menu: a fruit bowl that comes on a plate. The majority of the fruit had gone bad, so my girlfriend complained. They didn't charge us for it.

It was still a lot of trouble for a free banana, but still. I'd recommend Hotel Murano now, since everything else was great (at least, I'd recommend it if you have the means - our stay was on another's dime).

The glass museum had some stuff by Chihuly. Chihuly's all right, if you're in the mood for Dr. Seuss-inspired glass imagery. Except nothing rhymed, so it wasn't as cool as I really wanted it to be.

The next weekend, I went to Portland.

It was a family trip. Thanksgiving. A ton of mashed potatoes. And board games / card games. I played Sequence. It was actually fun.

But sadly, once again, I wasn't capable of putting together some kind of Portlandian blog-meet.

However, I was able to take this photo:

Come on, Amtrak. Four garbage bins in a row without a recycling bin? Yikes. Changing something on an Amtrak train must involve more paperwork than a Vatican-recognized miracle.

And Shawn / Sean (I'm not sure what spelling you use) - do email us, okay? I didn't get your information because I was confident you would send us a message when you got the chance. It was excellent meeting you on the train.

Luke and Darth: Episode VII

2008-11-20T22:28:00.001-08:00

The Other Side Will Never Die

2008-11-11T19:56:00.000-08:00

We can't shut the opposition out or pretend the opposition doesn't exist. We have to live with them, and help them understand how to live with us.

FREE SHOW! If you're in Seattle Friday night, I'll be in a 3-piece suit, reading at the KNOCK Magazine release party. 7pm. Jewel Box Theater inside The Rendezvous. (I'm also opening for Jonathan Evison on December 11 - that one's free, too, and even includes free beer and an Appalachian wedding buffet.)

The Opposition Will Reappear

2008-11-10T20:02:00.001-08:00

Let's watch out for new looks glossing over the same old approach. Change is not a decoration.

Okay, It's Time to Play the Cynic

2008-11-09T18:32:00.001-08:00

Okay. Obama is the president-elect. Now it's time to play the cynic and push for what we want. Nothing will change without hard work at the grassroots level.

Welcome to Sweet Misery

2008-11-06T21:26:00.001-08:00

So, this is what it feels like to have a leader you care about. It's wonderful, inspiring, and frightening all at the same time.