Poops Embody Life

Some poops are fast, and almost effortless.

Example: A blink.

Some poops are more moderately paced and need an occasional push to keep them going.

Example: A bus ride.

Some poops need a lot of grunting and sweat to make happen.

Example: Passing true health care reform.

Other poops take their time, and no amount of huffing and puffing or sqealing about it will change their pace.

Example: The changing of the season from winter to spring.

Aboo Gabba Deedoo Alloo

I stand up and take my dishes to the kitchen, belly stuffed.

"Ho, cha po," I say.

The sweetheart laughs.

"I mean really," I continue. "It's a good point. Ho cha po!"

"That's true," she says. "Ho cha po."

She rinses off a plate.

"Do you think," she says, "that someday we will just talk with words that nobody understands?"

"I don't see how that could ever arbogooben."

The sweetheart laughs.

"Frankly," I say, "the mere idea is froogoobagooku."

The sweetheart laughs again.

"Aboo gabba deedoo," she says.

"Aboo gabba deedoo ba-doo."

Let's play with Referendum 71!

Background: Referendum 71 is being voted on in Washington State. If passed, it will allow state-registered domestic partners to receive the same legal rights as those who are married, under Senate Bill 5688.

Statement of Partiality: I'm voting for approval of Referendum 71.

The Fun: Let's look at Referendum 71's statements for and against, straight out of the handy voter's booklet from my mail!

Who Had the Best Headings? Statement For used three straightforward headings, all clear and concise: The Domestic Partnership Law Protects All Washington Families, What is Included in the Domestic Partnership Law?, and Who Supports the Law? Statement Against used four headings that relied on an anxious attack of exclamation-slanted prose (!) such as: Reject Senate Bill 5688 to Protect Children! and Reject Senate Bill 5688 to Preserve Marriage!

The Winner: I have nothing against exclamation points, but I prefer my voter "information" without blatant exciticism, so Statement For wins round one.

Who Used the Fewest Quotes? Statement For used one quoted segment for a summation statement in what appears to be an effort to let the reader know where an opinion has been expressed, as opposed to the otherwise factual information they were sharing. Statement Against quoted one state senator twice, and a representative once, and then put quotes around words like, "family unit," "husband," "wife," and "gender neutral."

The Winner: Statement Against could have shared any factual information it wanted to about the bill, but instead chose to give me three statements of opinion from state legislators. Then, they started talking about "husband" and "wife" and how the bill is going to redefine those words. Fact check: the bill doesn't redefine them. It essentially says, "Hey, let's treat some of these terms as though they are equal to any member in a domestic partnership or marriage instead of rewriting every single law using those words." That quote was mine, and the winner of this round is Statement For.

Which Side Presents the Most / Best Facts? Statement For says this bill will allow domestic partners death benefits for partners of police and firefighters killed in the line of duty, the right to use to use sick leave to care for a seriously ill partner, pension benefits for partners of teachers and other public employees, victims' rights, and more. Statement Against says "Marriage [...exists...] for the greater good of the social order," and "Marriage is about providing the most stable and healthy environment in which to raise children," and that this bill will "confuse children and likely result in public schools influencing children to accept a new definition of the 'family unit' so that same-sex partners will be a recognized norm." Of course, I don't understand how children would be confused if the definition of "family unit" was a recognized norm. It sounds like Statement Against is the one that's a little confused. They're obviously pro-marriage. And they also claim that this bill is "primarily about homosexual marriage." According to Statement Against, this bill gets more people that much closer to marriage, so you'd think they'd be for it, since they're all gung-ho about marriage being vital to the social order and all that.

The Winner: Anyway, come on, now. You know who the winner is. Statement Against wrote a very entertaining statement riddled with unsupported opinion and contradictory lines of thought. Statement For wrote a measured, level statement in support of a bill that should never have been challenged in the first place. Go Referendum 71!

How to Write Online

Short sentences are good. Short paragraphs are good, too. End them quickly.

Art Exhibits that don't Exist that I'd Like to Go to

Perspective Drawings of Environments near Black Holes

Photographs of Missing LEGO Bricks

Stalwart Displays of Loyalty Expressed only in Song and Locally-Grown Produce

Brand New Works by Aaron's Favorite Artists, Living or Dead

Spontaneous Art Created Right Now While You're Watching, Using Your Limbs without Detaching or Hurting Them




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DA SOCIALISTS HAEV SPR3AD THEYRE EVIL TRAFIC LITES 3V3RYWHARE

SO WOW LOK WUT I JUST FIND OUT SOCIALISM HAS FOUND ITS HOMA ON MILIONS OF STRET CORN3RS ACROS DA USA!11!!111 IN TEH FORM OF TRAFIC LIGHTS

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IMM!11!11 A P3D3STRANE Y SHUD I PAY FOR TRAFIC LIGHTS YO???!!?! OMG LOL

I'm strange, you're strange

So the other day I was outside the building where I work and I saw the guy that's always out there, sitting on the metal railing.

And I said to myself, "That guy is always out here. That's so weird. What does he do?"

And then he started talking to himself, and I said, "And he's always talking to himself. That's so strange. What a weirdo."

Okay, so the USA is not a nation of idiots

When the Obama administration dumped their support of the public health care option in an effort to move the current health care plan forward, I proposed that one of the following three things must be true:

1. The USA is a nation of idiots.
2. The USA's Senators are pets of the health care industry lobby.
3. Both of the above.

But a poll run by a conservative research organization turned up the following results: 83% of U.S. citizens favor a public health care option.

Now I think it's down to possibility number 2.

On Passing a Health Care Plan

The Obama administration feels it's necessary to dump the public health care option in an effort to pass the current health care plan.

Perhaps instead they should just tell everyone they've removed the Death Panel section, the part about forcing everyone to use the government option, the bit about Soviet-style rationing, the section on cutting Medicare, and the part of the plan that allows tiny ants to control your brain like a video game.

That would make more sense to me.

Idiopathology

I stumbled across a word the other day, which was rather coincidental, since the doctor had just uttered it and so it was weird that I should have happened to hear it at precisely the same moment, especially since I had been seeing the doctor because of a loss of hearing.

The word: Idiopathic

The definition: Of unknown cause

The reason it was uttered: The doctor couldn't figure out why my left ear hears less than it used to.

The diagnosis was given to me almost as if it were a solution. Huzzah! We have solved the problem! Your loss of hearing is idiopathic!

My future career change: Idiopathologist

Sounds like a sweet job!

A Gentleman Talked to Me About Something

So, I'm headed out to lunch with a friend, but the friend needs to use the restroom first, and he asks if I'll hold his book.

"Sure," I say. The book is called Cyber America.

I stand outside the restroom and people walk by and this guy in a torpedo jacket comes walking up.

He says, "Is that, like, about a horse named America?"

I look at the book.

"Um. No," I say.

"Because I had a horse named America once."

I don't say anything.

"When I was a kid," he explains, "we didn't have all this techno-babble. It was just horses and guns. And corn."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, that makes sense."

"You must be a writer," he says.

"Yeah, actually, I am."

"What do you write?"

"E-mail, mostly. Sometimes a real letter. Occasionally, I sign stuff, like credit card receipts. That kind of thing."

He points at a random, moving spot on my chest. "A real funny guy, huh? Your kind will last longer than the filthy cockroaches."

And then he decides to catch the elevator.



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I started a publishing company - subscribe now! (free literature)

The name of my new publishing entity is:

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What do you publish?

Literature and art meant to be absorbed online, in our particular format.

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One Thing I Learned from Star Wars

If you go into a cave, and Darth Vader comes out of the darkness, it's okay to slice Darth's head off, because it's probably just a clone of you dressed up as Darth, and your clone sucks at sword fighting, so--easily done.

An Example of How I Can Tighten Up your Script, Just Like That

Example: One line from Three Amigos

There's a scene where they're discussing how to handle El Guapo, the bad guy who is coming to town to kill them all or whatever. Lucky asks Ned if he remembers what they did in Amigos Amigos Amigos, and Ned asks, "Do you think it will work?"

And Lucky says, "It's got to work. It's our only hope."

I'd have changed the line to: "It's got to work. It's our only idea."

Roadnotes: The Spider, the 9-21 Earthquake Museum, and the Flight Home

The following is based on events that occurred on June 1 through June 5.

The Spider
We're leaving and I'm out of the house when the sweetheart goes back for something and then shouts at me to come back in. I come back in and this is on the wall:



It's easily bigger than my hand. Covered in dust.

The sweetheart says, "It's not that big, really."

The Earthquake Museum
We go to the 9-21 Earthquake Museum, a place where they don't just show you a bunch of pictures. You walk around on the site of a school that collapsed. You look through the classrooms that don't have any walls left. You see the running track and its smooth curve interrupted by the earthquake's fault line.

You also get to experience very participatory exhibits, like the one where you stand in a sound-proof bubble and yell as hard as you can (to see if you can yell loud enough to get help if you are ever trapped in an earthquake). I didn't try my hardest, but I measured at 106 decibels. Is that loud enough? I hope so.

The Flight Home
The sweetheart takes me to the airport and I mention that I didn't get to see the ocean from the plane, since during my previous flight, it was completely dark. And I have a precious aisle seat going back, so I probably won't see much of it, still.

When I get to my seat on the plane, my neighbor says, "Would you be interested in taking a window seat so that my mother can sit with us?"

I say, "For your mother, I will do that."

I'm sad to give up the aisle, but, I think, at least I'll get to see the ocean, right?

When I get to the seat, I find out it's an emergency escape aisle - spacious and wonderful, and so spacious that anyone can get out of their seat at any time without bugging the other two passengers.

Perfect.

Roadnotes: Dragonboats, Asking Directions, Scenic Urinals, CostCo

The following is based on events that occurred on May 30 and 31.

A Hard-Worker and an Honest Face
While hiking in Hehuanshan, in central Taiwan, a man approaches us and says he can read faces. He says the sweetheart is tough and hard-working. He says I have an honest face.

The Bench on Top of the World
Still at Hehuanshan, the fog starts to roll in below us, turning an already scenic bench into the most spectacular bench in the clouds.



The Tree Tomato and Magic Tricks
That night, we stay at a bed & breakfast in the mountains, where our room has a tea nook with a view that rivals the one above. The owner entertains us with magic tricks and tells that the juice we're drinking is made fresh from the tree tomatoes that grow on a tree that we can see from the balcony. They also grow kiwi, mint, and about a thousand other things right there on the mountainside.

Sheep Show and a Yummy Leaf
Before we come down from the mountain, we take in a sheep show, where a sheep dog corrals a bunch of sheep so quickly that the people running the show have to make jokes for a half hour to make the show a half hour long. Then, we have lunch at a Buddhist vegetarian restaurant, where we eat a dish with a rare leaf in it that we will probably never get to eat again, since it only grows right there, as far as anyone knows. It was a yummy leaf.

Roadnotes: Dragonboats, Asking Directions, CostCo

The following is based on events that occurred on May 28 and 29.

Dragon Boat Races
In Lukang, we watch several rounds of dragon boat races, then wander through the streets to check out the rest of the festival. I had participated in dragon boat racing when I lived in Denver, so it was nice to see the real thing.

Asking Directions vs. Maps
Throughout our travels, the sweetheart relied heavily on asking directions from strangers. This worked pretty well. In Lukang, however, we ask directions from a man, and he goes straight to a map on a wall nearby, reads the map, and gives us the wrong directions. If this is what happens when people read maps in Taiwan, I can see why the sweetheart relies on verbal directions.

Scenic Urinals
The next day, we eat lunch at a classy Japanese restaurant. It's an excellent 7-course meal, and even the urinals have a scenic view.

CostCo
After dinner, we have to pick up a few things at CostCo. Having never been to a CostCo myself, it's truly the most frightening thing I've experienced thus far in Taiwan.

Roadnotes: Hospital Care

The following is based on events that occurred on May 27.

Before I left for Taiwan, I had an ear infection and antibiotics to take. I was also deaf in one ear, apparently because of congestion and water in the ear and whatnot, although the doctor used a more technical term.

On May 27th, I was still deaf in one ear and I was out of antibiotic, so we went to a Taiwanese hospital to see what's going on. The doctor there said I still had a little infection, so he prescribed me an antibiotic and a decongestant.

Total cost: Even without Taiwanese insurance, it cost the equivelant of about $14 U.S. That's less than my copay in the United States.

The whole process was very efficient, too. They put you on a list, call a number, and wallah! You are whisked through the system when your number comes up.

Roadnotes: Hualien (communications from spirits and hitchhikers)

The following is based on events that occurred on May 25 and May 26.

A Plan for Avoiding Falling Rocks
At Taroko Gorge National Park, they take safety very seriously. That's why they have signs everywhere that tell you to keep moving--that way it's harder for the rocks to hit you!

A Spirit Talks to Me
While enjoying a peaceful moment of respect at a shrine in Taroko Gorge National Park, a thought popped into my head that we should hurry. I tell the sweetheart and we head back down the series of steps we had just climbed. We're thinking that it's because of the weather, because it can be nasty when it rains there and it looked like it could rain any minute. We get to the bottom just as a monk's bag of bottles to recycle breaks open, so we help her collect the bottles. Whatever spirit watches over that shrine definitely cares about recycling!

Hitchhikers
The weather stays nice, despite everyone around us telling us it's about to pour, so we keep hiking. While driving to the next trailhead, we pick up hitchhikers who are trying to get to a trail that's on our way. Oddly enough, one of them is from Seattle, though they live in California at the moment.

Hitchhikers Part II
Coming back from yet another short hike, we run into the California people again and they're looking for a ride back to Hualien, which is where we're staying, so we give them a ride again.

Crocs
In Hualien, we take in the night market, and then walk around downtown. There, I trade in my flip-flops for Crocs. Yes, they look ridiculous, but they are SO much more comfortable than my $2 flip-flops. I didn't realize how difficult it was to walk in flip-flops until I switched.

Some More Stuff
The next day, we visit a Japanese temple and write a prayer on a delicate-looking piece of wood. Then we paddle boat across Liyu Lake. Then, we catch the train all the way back to Wu-Fong.

Coming up next: Hospital Care

Roadnotes: Taipei

The following is based on events that occurred on May 23 and May 24.

Jade Cabbage
We take the high speed rail from Taichung to Taipei. The first stop is the National Palace Museum, a place where things are actually old. They've got stuff from just about every dynasty, seems like, and an especially interesting jade cabbage.

Super Boots
Next, we take in Taipei's night market, where I buy some boots that will be perfect for a project I haven't officially announced yet (pictures will be posted eventually).

Pig Intestines
After the night market, we meet friends of the sweetheart's for dinner. I try pig's blood and pig intestine. The blood was fairly tasteless. The intestine was actually super good, but had a disgusting texture. It was like chewing...well, intestines.

Stinky Tofu
Later that night, I try stinky tofu, which wasn't bad, but apparently also not as stinky as some vendors' stinky tofu.

Taipei 101 Looks Like Bamboo
The first stop after breakfast the next morning was the tallest building in the world. What can I say? It's tall. Oh yeah - and apparently it was designed to look like a bamboo stalk. We didn't go up to the top because I didn't want to spend one hour of my life that day waiting to ride an elevator. But still, we could pretty much see that it was tall, so we felt satisfied moving on.

The Perfect Bed
We stepped into a great store called Muji, where things don't have a brand label, they're designed very simply, and they actually have products I want to buy. Unfortunately, it would be ridiculous to ship the perfect simple bed overseas, otherwise, I'd have paid the price. However, Google tells me they have Muji in NYC, so maybe I can ship from there. I'll look into it as soon as I'm not having fun.

Eslite Bookstore
Next, we checked out a very large 24-hour bookstore called Eslite. They had a lot of well-designed books, and great sub-categories, like Hypertext Literature.

Last Meal
My last meal in Taipei was an extremely excellent tofu burger at California Grill (not the chain). So yummy....

Roadnotes: Foot Massage, Paper Dome, Sun Moon Lake

The following is based on events that occurred on May 21 and May 22.

I'm still fresh off the plane, for the most part, and we decide to go for a foot massage. Or more like, those who can speak Chinese decide to go for a foot massage and I follow along.

I've never had a foot massage before in any language, but it's clear that I'm a tense person. Just about everything the massuese does causes at least a tiny little bit of pain, which I'm supposed to alert the masseuse to, but the real options are these:

Try to figure out how to tell someone I'm in pain in a language I don't know, or wait three seconds for him to do something else. And I can easily sit through three seconds of pain.

My foot massage diagnosis? I need sleep and I spend too much time sitting wrong and staring at computer screens. That's deadly accuracy.

The next day we head to the Paper Dome. It's a domed building made largely out of paper. The benches you sit on are an interesting kind of cardboard (or something) and the dome is treated so it won't be destroyed by the rain.

After the Paper Dome, we drive to Sun Moon Lake. Since it's right on the lake, we check out Wenwu Temple. There are people selling food all around the lake, so I have my first tea egg. It's a hard-boiled egg that's boiled again in tea. Absolutely yummy.

The sweetheart's mom goes by a strict rule of one egg per day, no more. Otherwise, I'd have had another tea egg immediately.

Roadnotes: The Heat

I'm in Wu-Fong, Taiwan. The humidity wraps itself around me.

To survive this kind of heat, you have to adjust your thinking.

If you think of the heat as your enemy, you're finished.

The trick is to think of the heat as Earth's loving embrace, as a gentle promise that no matter what, you will not be cold. If you can think of it that way, then it's like walking around with a god hugging you non-stop.

It also helps to suddenly become a sandals person.

Roadnotes: Taipei to Wu-Fong

The following is based on events that occurred on May 21.

I'm in the car with the sweetheart. We haven't seen each other in over two months and there's absolutely no weirdness.

"So," I say, "is it really foggy or is all that pollution?"

"Pollution," she says.

Even so, it's quite pretty.

Roadnotes: Seattle to Taipei

The following is based on events that occurred on and May 20 and May 21.

It's only the beginning of the trip and I'm pretty sure I don't know how to do anything:

1. How to unfold the table out of the armrest.
2. How to pull the movie screen watcher thing up.
3. How to tell what time it is.
4. How to figure out how far we've traveled.
5. How to eat my vegetarian meal without any utensils.
6. How to time the bathroom run.
7. How to call an attendant to get some water.

But eventually I figured it all out. So don't worry.

And, after all that, going through customs was a breeze.

Roadnotes: Sea-Tac International Airport

The following is based on events that occurred on May 19 and May 20.

I use my credit card to buy water from a vending machine. The directions on the machine tell you to press END to complete the transaction, but I can't find an END key.

I kind of feel like falling to my knees and pounding the machine repeatedly, shouting, "There is no end. There is no end."

But of course, there's always an end. It's what gives things value.

I press CLEAR. That seems to do the trick. Otherwise, I'm buying water for everyone until someone installs an END button.

Some youngsters traveling together are discussing their lives, which means they're discussing their virtual lives.

Someone from Canada that somebody didn't know friended somebody on FaceBook and then they chatted and it turns out that someone is so-and-so's best friend from before they moved to somewhere.

You can relax now, since you finally know who that is.

Roadnotes: Check

Hepatitus A vaccination
Hepatitus B vaccination
Typhoid vaccination
Prescription traveler's diarrhea medicine
Ear infection
Antibiotic for ear infection
Affrin
Prescription cough medicine
One-quart clear zip-top plastic bag
Asprin
Tums
Flip-flops
Business cards
Gum
Camera
Camera battery charger
Cord for moving images off of camera
Laptop
Laptop adapter
Mouse
Persian rug mouse pad
Plug adapter (3-prong to 2-prong)
Web cam
Ear buds
Printed itinerary
Pajama bottoms
9 outfits treated with permethrin
Extra permethrin for the sweetheart
Insect repellent
Hand sanitizer
Puffs travel pack
Gift for the sweetheart
Northwestern Wine for the sweetheart's family
Seattle-made organic Fair Trade chocolate for the sweetheart's family
Shaving gel
Razor with some stupid name thought up by Gillette
Electric razor
Electric razor charger
Burt's Bees deoderant
Hair brush
Sonicare toothbrush
Floss
N95 respirators
Passport
My Name is Earl (Season 3)
Journal
Pens
Notepads
The Complete Stories of Saki
Exile and the Kingdom
KNOCK #11
McSweeney's #24
Lonely Planet Taiwan
Chinese PhraseFinder and Dictionary
Parka
Hat
Sunblock

Pharmacist Tells Me: "Oh wow, that porn looks good!"

I was picking up the latest vaccinations for an impending trip to Taiwan and the pharmacist shouts, "Oh wow, that porn looks good!"

I thought: ?

I looked at my grocery basket, and saw the corn sitting on top. So apparently I just have bad ears.

There is a book in every one of you...

There is at least one book in every one of you.

Take Giovanni Diviacchi, for instance, a standup comic out of D.C....

Like all standup comics, Giovanni had some jokes about lawyers. However, one night "some attorney friends...were complaining about the lawyer jokes in my act," Diviacchi says, "so we decided to turn the tables and write a joke book for lawyers."

And that's just what he did. Now, his book is probably the best possible kitschy gift you can give to a lawyer friend or attorney relative.

Also, the book (How Many Clients Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?) was a Stephen T. Colbert Award for the Literary Excellence...nominee. I know, because it's got a little sticker-stamp on my copy of the book that says so.

And just because it's better to let the work speak for itself, here's some text from between the pages:

A client asked his long-time family lawyer to come to his deathbed with a Bible.

"Would you like me to read to you?" asked the lawyer of his client.

The client shook his head weakly and said, "No, I want you to find the loopholes."

There you have it. If you would just get off of the couch, you, too, could write a book that gets a stamp about a nomination for an award that's pretty much made up, from a certain point of view. Now get moving! The book isn't going to write itself unless you're rich!

Roadnotes: Portland

I take the train to Portland and quickly realize that everyone here is serving Stumptown coffee. You go to the coffee shop, they're serving Stumptown coffee. You go to the breakfast place, they serve Stumptown coffee. You go to the bar, they serve Stumptown coffee. You go to the post office, they serve Stumptown coffee. You go to the bathroom, they serve Stumptown coffee. I swear.

Fortunately for me, I love Stumptown coffee.

We meet up with Spilt, F.R.A.N.I., Armatronix, and A at the Sapphire Hotel. We talk about blogging and how it isn't what it used to be.

Spilt mentions that it's weird to see everyone's real name on FaceBook. Everyone agrees.

The next day I'm at a restaurant and I am told I can help myself to a "bev", so yes, there are people who talk like that.

Saturday, I take in the Velveteria with family. Some of us are more interested in the black light room than the art of the paintings.

Sunday is BrickFest. A lot of hype, but all in all, about the same thing or less than the NW BrickCon. But don't take that to mean it didn't please me.

And then, I get "treated" to Madagascar II on the train back to Seattle. Woo.

Guess What I was Googling: A Game!

The Challenge: Guess what I typed into a Google Image Search to find the following image.

Hint: Four words.

Clue: I did not find what I wanted.

Before You Scoff...

When you scoff at all the ridiculous people who don't know any better, it appears to them as though you're one of those ridiculous people who don't know any better, and to top things off, you're scoffing.

A Conversation I Almost Had

Aaron Dietz: Hi, this is Aaron Dietz, returning your call about [such-and-such].

Nigh-Conversator: Hi. Thanks for calling me back.

AD: No problem. I wanted to [such-and-such], so, is this a good time to talk?

NC: I'm actually on the other line, sorry. Can I call you back?

AD: Sure. I'm actually relieved, because I didn't really have the time to talk, either. You see, I'm on another line, too.

NC: Why would you call someone else if you were already on another line and couldn't talk?

AD: Probably for the same reason you picked up my call while you were on another line and couldn't talk.

NC: Pavlovian instinct?

AD: [Drools]

NC: Well, I'm glad we had this talk.

AD: Yes. We've cleared up a few things. 'Gotten some things figured out.

NC: [Drools]

AD: [Drools]

[Click]

OMG, 25 OMG Things About, Zomg, Me.

No, there aren't 25 things about me here. And I tag all of you in spirit because you're all in this, whether you want to be or not.

Equal rights.

Economic crisis.





* Title of this blog stolen with permission from Wise Majestic Sharna of the Winds.

Yes, Prop 8 is Discrimination

Some people are convinced that Proposition 8 (the California measure that limits marriage to one man and one woman) doesn't take away any rights from the LGBT community.

They claim that through things like a strong will, power of attorney, and more, an LGBT couple can have the same rights as a straight, married couple.

Let's take a look at how equal these scenarios are.



Situation One: A Man and Woman Want to Marry

Man: "Hi, woman. Let's marry."

Woman: "Okay. Let's go to the court house and get that done right now."

Man: "One simple document. How nice!"

Woman: "Easy peasy! We'll have time for coffee and a doughnut afterward!"



Situation Two: An LGBT Couple Wants to Marry

Partner 1: "Hi partner. Let's marry."

Partner 2: "Actually, that's illegal, but we can have all the same rights as a married couple."

Partner 1: "Oh, goodie. I'll call the accountant and find out how we can avoid the estate tax should one of us, heaven forbid, pass away before the other."

Partner 2: "Good thinking. I'd better call the attorney and find out how I can be allowed to visit you if you're ever in the hospital."

Partner 1: "Well, hey! That's not going to take much time at all! And after that, there are only one thousand one hundred thirty six more federal rights we need to get back in order for us to have the same rights as a married couple!"

Partner 2: "That's the spirit! At this pace, we'll be done setting this all up in about a decade--that is, if I don't have to take a second job to pay all the attorney costs and filing fees!"

Partner 1: "I suppose that will slow us down if you're working two jobs, but it's worth it, just to get the rights that we're not being denied!"



It's true. There are 1138 federal rights that LGBT couples do not have when they are denied marriage. Saying that LGBT couples can simply regain those rights by filling out paperwork, consulting expensive professionals, and paying processing fees for acquiring those rights is equivalent to giving all people the right to vote, but forcing some of those people to fill out special forms.

Thus, Prop 8 is discrimination.

And don't get me started on the psychological effects of facing people that don't recognize your marriage just because they have a specific interpretation of a book.

Roadnotes: Iowa

The following is based on events that took place a little while ago now; I can't even remember when.

We get off the plane.

The Sweetheart's all, "Look at the roads!"

I'm all, "Yeah. They know how to remove snow, here."

I beam with Iowa pride.

Xmas passes.

We box up stuff to ship because we didn't bring huge empty suitcases.

We go home, spoiled.

In a Cheesy Legal Thriller Novel, I am an NSA Goon

It's true. In the novel Case of Lies, by the author team up that calls themselves Perri O'Shaugnessy, I am an NSA goon. See for yourself:



Okay, the linebacker body type was a little off, but they got the silent act down. And I do like a good water.



Okay, sometimes it might look like I'm regarding people as Nabokov might have regarded a specimen butterfly before spoking it, but I'm not into decorative insect corpses, I swear. I try to respect the right of living things to die without being on display. Once again, though, they got the silent act down.



That does sound like something I'd say if I were NSA. But I'd probably follow this up with a discussion of semantics involving the word "nation".



I'll have to try the tie-yanking thing, though I'm not sure exactly what an angry tie yank means, or how it affects a conversation. Is that like saying, "Leave me alone already"? Or is it a "I'm getting angry. Hulk. Hulk. HULK!" kind of thing?



I used to chew on my fingernails when I was young, but I've given up the habit. In this novel, though, I'm not sure if this is a sign of me being frightened or bored. Or perhaps the Dietz character had to be mentioned because he wasn't in the previous five pages and people might wonder what he was doing for that entire five page conversation.

The suspense is killing me, but this is the last we hear of Aaron Dietz, the NSA agent, in this book. Maybe he just evaporates into thin air, as I hope to do when I'm ready to leave this world.

Cheesy Legal Thriller Question: If you were in a cheesy legal thriller novel, what would your character be like?

When Does a Problem Become a Crisis?

Having recently been on a bus with someone who claimed that Hurricane Katrina wasn't as messed up as the recent snow inundation of Seattle, I pondered the criteria required for a problem to become a crisis.

The problem: Several repeated snowfalls of 4 to 6 inches in a city with virtually no ability to remove snow.

The side effects: Reduced business viability in the form of reduced hours, reduced patronage, and the sheer impossibility of getting anything done when you can't go anywhere.

So, Seattle had some snow. Usually, the snow melts quickly. This time, it didn't, and more snow happened. Thus: a problem.

That being said and accepted, how much snow would it take for someone in Seattle to call in the National Guard? It would be unthinkable to call on the National Guard to get rid of a six inch snowfall.

But what if that same amount of snow fell ten times over ten days? It's like unpacking a suitcase: you take out one thing at a time and don't see any difference, until suddenly: there's the bottom of the thing, peeking out between the jeans and dirty underwear.

This only partially explains how Hurrican Katrina became a severely mismanaged crisis (especially since there was data that indicated a looming crisis). Nevertheless, in many cases, a crisis happens gradually, then suddenly*. You see the gradual changes, but it's hard to see each small problem as part of a collective crisis until it's suddenly too late.

Usually, there is no algorithm for detecting a crisis because a crisis is either easy to detect (example: a 200 foot wall of water about to hit your city) or the crisis is produced by cumulative effects (like moderate snowfalls that happen repeatedly for many days).

I'm not saying Seattle entered the crisis stage a couple weeks ago. I'm just pointing out that it could have, without anyone noticing, if there had been just a little more snow...and a little more...and a little more after that.



* Thanks to Hemingway, or whoever first used that phrase.

Roadnotes: Seattle to Iowa

The following takes place on December 24th, a time when all of Seattle had been bathed in snow for many agonizing, city-shut-down-ing days.

We decide to take a bus that will take us to another bus that will take us to the airport.

We could drive, but that would be near-suicide on some streets. We could catch a cab, but all the cabs were in high demand and weren't taking calls from dispatch--we'd have to be lucky enough to catch one that was willing to go to the airport.

We could have called a shuttle, but I doubted that the shuttle would be able to navigate the fresh snow on the side streets.

So we got on a bus that was going to take us to another bus that was going to take us to the airport.

A man got on the bus after us, sat down nearby, then said, "Man, I been through Hurricane Katrina and it wasn't this messed up."

I immediately wrote that down. 30 minutes later we started waiting the 50 minutes it would take to wait for the next bus that would take 50 minutes to get to the airport. But we made our flight. Oh yes, we made our flight.

Seattle's Snow Removal Plan (and a tip on cool virtual stuff for kids)

Seattle's snow removal plan:

Wait until it goes away.

And I bet you it's going to work, eventually.



And if you know kids that need something to do over winter break, consider a virtual camp course. I'm only plugging them because they really are very cool, don't involve anyone going out in the cold, and the kid will create something awesome, no matter which you choose to sign up for. (But my suggestion and favorite is the Game Design course.)

Roadnotes: Tacoma / Portland

So, I went to Tacoma.

I had room service and chose the only non-vegetarian item on the menu: a fruit bowl that comes on a plate. The majority of the fruit had gone bad, so my girlfriend complained. They didn't charge us for it.

It was still a lot of trouble for a free banana, but still. I'd recommend Hotel Murano now, since everything else was great (at least, I'd recommend it if you have the means - our stay was on another's dime).

The glass museum had some stuff by Chihuly. Chihuly's all right, if you're in the mood for Dr. Seuss-inspired glass imagery. Except nothing rhymed, so it wasn't as cool as I really wanted it to be.



The next weekend, I went to Portland.

It was a family trip. Thanksgiving. A ton of mashed potatoes. And board games / card games. I played Sequence. It was actually fun.

But sadly, once again, I wasn't capable of putting together some kind of Portlandian blog-meet.

However, I was able to take this photo:



Come on, Amtrak. Four garbage bins in a row without a recycling bin? Yikes. Changing something on an Amtrak train must involve more paperwork than a Vatican-recognized miracle.

And Shawn / Sean (I'm not sure what spelling you use) - do email us, okay? I didn't get your information because I was confident you would send us a message when you got the chance. It was excellent meeting you on the train.

Luke and Darth: Episode VII

The Other Side Will Never Die

We can't shut the opposition out or pretend the opposition doesn't exist. We have to live with them, and help them understand how to live with us.



FREE SHOW! If you're in Seattle Friday night, I'll be in a 3-piece suit, reading at the KNOCK Magazine release party. 7pm. Jewel Box Theater inside The Rendezvous. (I'm also opening for Jonathan Evison on December 11 - that one's free, too, and even includes free beer and an Appalachian wedding buffet.)

The Opposition Will Reappear

Let's watch out for new looks glossing over the same old approach. Change is not a decoration.

Okay, It's Time to Play the Cynic

Okay. Obama is the president-elect. Now it's time to play the cynic and push for what we want. Nothing will change without hard work at the grassroots level.

Welcome to Sweet Misery

So, this is what it feels like to have a leader you care about. It's wonderful, inspiring, and frightening all at the same time.

The Victory Speech

I think during Obama's victory speech, millions of tiny tentacles went out and attached to the bellies of U.S. citizens, including mine. And it's weird, because I didn't mind.

The Work is Not Over

Let's proceed as if we are a whole.

Why I Voted Obama

1. Because I believe McCain plans to continue fighting in Iraq for as long as he can. Even Bush is looking at exit possibilities. McCain wants us there permanently. Obama's withdrawal plan won't happen as it was written, but at least he'll focus on having a plan.

2. Because it will be awesome to have a president that knows how to use the Internet to communicate.

3. Because Obama has demonstrated a deeper understanding of the issues than any Democrat hopeful in a long time.

4. Because other countries love him. This will be more and more important if things get worse for the U.S.

5. Because he's creative, and knows how to surround himself with creative people.

6. Because many closet racists will freak out. And I think this will be healthier than pretending racism doesn't exist.

7. Because he's skinny. As a skinny male, I'm hoping he makes skinny masculinity the new popular thing.

8. Because he's convincing. I have no faith in the Democrats, but I've become convinced Obama is for real.

9. Because none of the third parties have a chance of getting 5%. If Obama works out, I'll be sad that a third party has to wait until 2016, but we can't afford to wait until 2012 even. I'm taking a chance on Obama - NOT on the Democrats, although they are obviously helped by this vote. To 2016, independents! We have 8 years to plan a massive movement, and Obama has given us the example of how to do it.

10. Because Obama will support Internet neutrality, which will eventually enable us to build a movement that doesn't depend on either big party.

I'm calling West Virginia for Bob Barr

Captain Avenger pointed me to a terrific video of a county clerk demonstrating the complete fallibility of the ES&S voting machines in West Virginia. Thanks, Captain Avenger!

The moral of the story: be mindful of the stupid voting machine. Make sure it's recording things right, and always check the paper trail. Best of luck.

I will call you and remind you to vote

Seriously. If you haven't voted yet, I'll call you on election day.

Just get me your phone number.

If you prefer a text, that makes two of us. But I'll call if you want.

Obama 306, McCain 157

No, 306-157 is not the score of a long pickup basketball game between the Obama and McCain campaigns. It's the projected electoral totals, by "one of the more conservative electoral maps you can find," according to Mighty Rex.

That means Obama is projected at having enough electoral votes to win.

But don't get too excited, Obama fans. Forecast: a 100% chance of voter suppression.

It's going to be close. No one should be resting. Volunteer, blog, or just keep talking about it. It's all going to help.

Which Presidential Candidate is More Creative?

The U.S. has major problems. These problems are going to need creative solutions if we're going to see positive change within the next four years, or even within the next decade.

Which candidate is more likely to consistently produce creative solutions to problems? Let's consider the presidential candidates' campaigns....

(Candidates get credit for the creativity of their staff because good presidents know how to surround themselves with creative people.)

Obama took his campaign overseas in an actual demonstration of his desire to generate positive relationships with the rest of the world.

McCain has essentially adopted the same strategy that's been around for decades now: exploit differences in people.

Obama bought ads in video games.

McCain can't seem to think of anything more creative at this stage than smear tactics.

Obama has used modern technology in original and unprecedented ways (for presidential campaigns, anyway), including text messaging.

McCain has admitted to having trouble just using a computer (source and source).

Obama's most creative gambit? It's too hard to choose between them.

McCain's most creative gambit? Telling everyone he was suspending his campaign so that he could have an interview with Katie Couric.



Subjective Summary: Obama seems to have beaten McCain to all the good ideas. And though Obama has a larger budget (probably due to his creative relationship building online apparatus), there really isn't anything he's done that McCain couldn't have done first, if only McCain had thought of it.



My position: Obama and the people he surrounds himself with are far more creative than McCain and his staff.

P.S. Obama gets bonus points for inspiring creativity in others, such as the folks who put together the attempt at a million dollar minute, and of course, the incredibly cheesy (but still a decent idea) Yes We Can YouTube video.

Which Candidate will Support Net Neutrality?

Net Neutrality: A Brief Summary

As we all know (because we're so smart), net neutrality means we get equal access to Internet resources regardless of the source, ownership, or destination.

Getting rid of net neutrality is a way that Internet providers can direct your browsing toward all kinds of evils, including more advertising and limitations on what you can viably access.

Want to go to a site that isn't connected to AT&T, Verizon, Comcast, or Time Warner? If net neutrality disappears, you'll probably have to pay more for that. Possibly, what you want could be blocked altogether.



McCain opposes net neutrality. He wants to let the free market sort the matter out.

Obama supports net neutrality. He wants to preserve the principle of net neutrality to ensure that the person with the best idea will have an equal chance of sharing it.



Commentary

McCain: The free market wisely engineered our economic situation so well over the last few decades. Let's give it another shot.

Obama: Without the Internet, I couldn't have made it this far as a presidential candidate. You better believe I'll protect it.

Voter Supression Fun Facts!

There are many ways in which votes are suppressed, both intentionally and unintentionally.

1. Bogus information is distributed. Example: An anonymous flier warned that people with outstanding arrest warrants or even unpaid traffic tickets might be arrested at the polls. 2nd Example: Voters that filled out a voter registration according to the instructions apparently filled out the registration incorrectly.

2. Voter residencies are challenged. Example: A GOP plan to use foreclosure lists to limit voting despite the fact that a foreclosure notice doesn't mean the resident has moved out.

3. Machines don't record votes accurately. Example: Polls in Ohio in 2004 recorded far fewer totals than were realistically expected. I won't even bother telling you what was happening frequently in Florida that year.

4. Voter registrations are removed from the list. If this is done in the last 90 days before an election, it is illegal. Example: Nine states (many of them swing states) are potentially illegally removing voters from their registration lists.

5. Polling places don't schedule enough hours or get enough machines for everyone to vote. Example: Ohio in 2004 documented many polling places with too few resources to get the job done.

How to Fight Back

If you are wrongfully denied your right to vote, they will not figure it out later. If you are not able to resolve the problem by the time your poll closes, your vote will not be counted. Here's how to fight back.

1. For electronic ballot voters, make sure the summary of your vote at the end records your actual votes. Sometimes, for unexplained reasons, some machines switch your votes to other candidates, or simply drop them altogether.

2. If you are challenged, don't give up. At the very least: as long as you're arguing with the challengers, they won't have time to challenge anyone else.

3. Assume the challenger is a stupid jerk. They don't know shit. Get their name and what reason they have for denying your vote. Then proceed to step 4.

4. Use technology. Find someone with an iPhone nearby and ask them to look up the phone numbers of your county's election office. If that doesn't work, find the names of election officials and get their phone numbers. Keep calling people until someone acquiesces.

5. Use witnesses. Go to the polls with friends. After your friends have voted, ask them to speak in your defense. One supposed foreclosure on a list doesn't mean jack, legally. Four witnesses who say you live in a house is significant. At the very least, a lot more people will notice five people arguing than one person arguing. This might make people upset enough to join you. A whole district against one polling official? It could work.

6. Threaten to call the press. If all else fails, emphatically state that you have the right to vote, and since the polling place is denying your right, you will report this to the press.

7. Call the press. When you call them, be sure to share the facts: particularly that you are being wrongfully denied your right to vote. You must be calm and collected, or they'll drop you. If you seem reasonably intelligent and appear to have facts that support your case, you might have a shot.

8. Support others' right to vote! Defend them after your vote has been cast, but don't obstruct the voting of others while you do this. If you are working at a polling place, you do not have to close the
polling place when you are supposedly supposed to close - the people that show up to the polls before closing time have the right to vote, so extend your hours at least long enough to let those that made it in time cast their ballot.

Time to Make Sure You're Registered to Vote

Now is the time to make sure you are registered to vote at your current
place of residence. Many counties will confirm this on the Web.

Now is the time to make sure you are signed up for that absentee ballot.

Now
is the time to make sure you know where your polling place is if you're not voting absentee (and get
this information from your county's election office--do not trust
random mail addressed to you).

Now is the time to make sure
you have scheduled enough time to vote if you're not sending in an
absentee ballot (Vote early! Many polls will be jammed with newly
registered voters and may not have the capacity to serve everyone!)



Note: the address in the screenshot is not your polling place. It's my polling
place. It's also a confirmation that the election commission for my
county has the right information. For me. This is not confirmation for
you. You need to get your own confirmation. Now. Just in case.

Coming soon: Voter Suppression Fun Facts!

About that whole bailout thing...

First, it's somewhat similar to the S&L bailout, as many people have pointed out (think Keating Five).

Comparison: The U.S. taxpayers at first were on the hook for 3.4 billion dollars. But the eventual cost to the taxpayer wound up being nearly $125 billion. I hope the same markup won't apply to the $700 billion we're about to cough up (850 with extras).

The dollar comparison, though, isn't really as relevant as McCain's history of irresponsibly deregulating the lending process.

Meanwhile, Obama introduced legislation in 2006 "aimed at ending home loans based on fraud, abuse or excessive risk." He has also been aware of the increasing number of foreclosures since early 2007.

My position: Obama is the candidate best able to handle the U.S.A.'s credit problems.

Which Candidate Can Acknowledge and Understand Complexity?

Which Candidate Can Acknowledge and Understand Complexity?

Obama

Obama frequently mentions specific details that lend credibility to his position.

Obama is quick to point out how singular issues are related to other phenomena, how things are connected in a complex way.

Obama isn't afraid to talk about specifics related to the issue at hand, nor is he afraid to compliment opponents in areas where they are in agreement--he talks about the issue and stays focused on the issue.

National Security? Obama acknowledges how our relationships with other nations affect our national security.

Osama Bin Laden? Obama wants to target him more specifically with special strikes.

The War on Terror? Obama thinks it can be fought more effectively if we shift the war's geographic focus while at the same time improving our understanding of Middle Eastern tribal customs and history.

Plan for ending the war in Iraq? Over sixteen months, pull out of Iraq, shifting responsibility to the 400,000 Iraqi personnel we've trained there.



McCain

McCain frequently zeros in on one aspect of an issue.

National security? Iraq.

Osama Bin Laden? Iraq.

The War on Terror? Iraq.

Plan for ending the war in Iraq? Win it (whatever that means).



Biden

He can tell you who voted on what bill, and why. He can tell you the motivation behind the vote, whether it be political or personal. He can cite data that supports the Obama-Biden ticket's positions. He can cite references in both parties' plans and explain why the Obama-Biden plan is better.



Palin

She can't seem to answer a question.



My conclusion

Obama and Biden are more likely to create realistic solutions that take the complexity of an issue into account.

The Bill, be it Bailout, Rescue, or Sweet Love to Asset Owners Given Freely by the U.S. Taxpayers

The bailout bill is old news. Now it's called a rescue bill. And the new one does seem to have a few provisions that I think are decent, while in essence carrying out the general shmuckus of handing over tax payer money to whomever.

Nevertheless, while I'm still trying to understand the new bill, we can talk about the old bill(s)--and I'll be quick to say that I never felt comfortable with the old bill, and suspected treachery, perhaps just because that's what I've come to expect.

However, after days of asking questions and poking around and reading a bunch of stuff, Kendra finally forwarded me an opinion that my instincts agreed with.

Bankruptcy, not bailout, is the right answer, by Jeffrey Miron

I'll quote the really good stuff:

"Bankruptcy means that shareholders typically get wiped out and the creditors own the company. Bankruptcy does not mean the company disappears; it is just owned by someone new (as has occurred with several airlines)."

"If financial institutions cannot make productive loans, a profit
opportunity exists for someone else. This might not happen instantly,
but it will happen. Further, the current credit freeze is likely due to Wall Street's hope of a
bailout; bankers will not sell their lousy assets for 20 cents on the
dollar if the government might pay 30, 50, or 80 cents."

I was particularly never satisfied with anyone's positive reviews of the bailout plan just because not one person that I encountered had the time or knowledge to adequately explain how it would be a good thing. I'm glad I ran into someone who could adequately explain why it was a bad thing.

Now, hug your children tight. The credit will flow eventually, one way or the other.

Economy: Obama Wins

Remember how yesterday McCain was racing to Washington to save the economy? Remember how he suspended his campaign because the economy was about to collapse?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjkCrfylq-E

A summary of the video: Letterman's peeved because McCain canceled his appearance on the Letterman show, but while they were taping the show, they found out McCain was actually still in town (not even 1000 foot steps away, probably), doing an interview with Katie Couric.

Of course, it would only be fair to report that McCain's interview was on the economy. But if you read the transcript of the interview, McCain admits that Obama was the one to boost attention to the financial bailout issue by calling McCain to set up a joint statement about it.

And then instead of making that joint statement, McCain "suspended" his campaign so he could "race back to Washington" and save the U.S., but on the way he stopped by the CBS studio for an interview. Apparently, as McCain stated in the interview, "now is not the time for statements. Time is now to act." And his first priority response was apparently to get an interview with Katie Couric. That's just not a good plan for saving the economy, in my opinion.

My position: Obama's economic plan makes a heck of a lot more sense than McCain's.

McCain's Gambit, Obama's Invitation, and Bush's Plan that Makes No Sense

Odd Events Have Occurred

First, McCain suspended his campaign to head back to D.C. and "broker a deal to save the financial industry".

Obama decides to continue his campaign, claiming that "this is exactly the time when the American people need to hear from the person who in approximately 40 days will be responsible for dealing with this mess." (Same source as above.)

McCain's move is an obvious ploy to appear as if he's strong on economy, as all the analysts are saying that his slip in the polls was due to U.S. citizens feeling like Obama was better equipped to handle the economy. And while it's an obvious ploy, it's a good one.

Oh, but wait, the president invites Obama to the White House to help solve the crisis. Hm. Voluntarily suspending the campaign or being asked by the president.... It's a toss-up.

Of course, to cap off the evening, Bush summarizes the financial crisis and asks the nation to support his bill that makes no sense.

The summary as I understand it: Banks are having problems because people can no longer afford to buy all the condos that went up. Bush's solution: give money to banks! That way, banks can sit around with a bunch of empty condos and not worry about the bills, while the population continues to struggle to find adequate housing / jobs / and more.

If it makes sense to you, please explain it to me.

War: What Else are Presidents Good For?

My current position: Obama is more likely to deal
with potential and current military conflict in a way that I approve of.

No other issue is more directly related to the presidency than war.

Presidents rarely enact major health care reform, radically improve the economy, or even impact education. If they do, they do it with Congress's help (among others).

But out of 43 U.S. presidents, 17 of them have been at war, while virtually all of them have ordered military intervention of some kind.* Truly, out of all items on a candidate's platform, we should vote for a president with the ability to know when to go to war, when to order military intervention, and when to use diplomacy. Historically, that's the main job of a president.

In choosing a president for this ability, I want to answer these questions:

Which candidate is most likely to effectively use diplomacy to avoid military conflict?

Obama has said repeatedly that he would be willing to meet with leaders of Iran, North Korea, Syria, and others. He also showed initiative by taking his campaign to foreign countries. Clearly, he is serious about forging positive international relationships.

McCain prefers to rely on a "multilateral pressure" strategy, which as nearly as I can figure out has consisted of a bunch of countries getting together and deciding not to talk to those nations who oppose the United States' demands (no source on this, as I can't find a clear statement of what these countries' strategy is).

There is a lot of Internet buzz about the word "Unconditional" and the phrase "without precondition" but I've ignored that part of this because it's stupid and juvenile. I would think that anyone getting on Air Force One would think for more than two seconds before they accept an invitation to meet with a friend OR foe. The main points to me are that Obama keeps talking about meeting with people, and McCain keeps talking about carrying on the current strategy which thus far hasn't resolved anything.

If military intervention is necessary, which president will choose the most effective strategy for success?

McCain's choice of strategies is pretty clear. He's been vocal in supporting the way the war in Iraq is currently being handled. johnmccain.com states that McCain "advocates continuing the successful counterinsurgency strategy that began in 2007."

Obama has pledged to end the war in Iraq. He has also introduced legislation for that purpose, demonstrating his intention.

I might have time to go into war in more detail later, but for now this should help clarify your position on this issue, depending on how you feel about the way the war in Iraq is being handled, and what you think about how to handle the brewing potential conflicts.



* This is hard to document with one clear source, but you can start here, and then add in wars with Native Americans.

Mainstream Media Fails To Cover Election; Only Bloggers Can Save the World, Now

I'm taking a pledge: I will only blog about the election until it's over.

Why? Because the mainstream media have failed to report crucial, relevant details about the current presidential race.

What does this mean to you? You'll find relevant information about each of the presidential and vice-presidential candidates right here on this blog.

If you have a blog, or if you've always wanted to start one, I hope you'll take the following pledge with me, and pass it on to others. Together, we can report on this election as the mainstream media should.



The Pledge

Until the end of November 4, 2008, I will only post blogs that are relevant to the U.S. election.

I will use facts without distortion, and cite sources for those facts.

I will present events, issues, and candidates as fairly as possible.


I will not report on gossip or irrelevant squabbles.

When I have a position on an issue being discussed, I will make that position known while focusing the discussion of that position on a fair representation of the relevant facts.

Fake Assignment: You Do Not Do This One

Really, this is just a test. Do not follow these directions.

1. Get comfortable.

2. Readjust your level of comfort.

3. Get re-comfortable.

4. Watch "Indicator" at PorkFilled.com.

5. Name one thing that happened in the bathroom.

6. Determine what color of underwear the Space Bear is wearing.

7. Visit Seattle Untimely and press play.

8. Go back in time and answer number 6.

9. If you still have money left, save it.

10. Go to SketchFest. I'll be there on Wednesday, September 24th (not as a performer, though--as an exaggerator).

11. Say hi.

12. Suddenly realize that those links are connected in some way. Or not.

13. Watch Intro 3 here.

Success!

Now you're a tomato.

A light in the sky in New Mexico (Documentation)

I was staying with a cousin in New Mexico, not far from Truth or Consequences but still well away from civilization.

To get there, my rental car climbed an unpaved, winding slope to a ranch with no neighboring houses in sight. A dog greeted me at the car and instantly peed on my suitcase.

When it was time for bed, I turned out the light in the guest room and was greeted by darkness that comes only from being nowhere near an artificial light. Even after ten minutes of adjusting, my eyes could not see the walls, the window, the sheets--not anything.

I was drifting off to sleep when I sensed light behind my eyelids. I opened my eyes. There was light coming from outside the window.

The light was bright, but I couldn't see what was making the light because of the fog. It just hung there in the sky, never moving.

I watched it for what seemed like an hour, but was probably more like five minutes. Then I got bored and tried to go back to sleep.

Soon, the light went out. I knew this because I was still awake when I sensed darkness seize the space in front of my eyelids.

I opened my eyes. I couldn't see anything.



The next morning, as I carried my newly-washed suitcase out to the car, I looked for a very tall post with a powerful light on it. There was nothing there.

I didn't ask about the light. I didn't want to bring up a potentially embarrassing feature of living there. Besides, my cousin was already embarrassed enough about the dog peeing on my suitcase.

I'm not hot, but people want to do me, implies Facebook application

According to the Compare People application on Facebook, here are some statistics:





0 of 11 thought I had a better body than a random friend.



20% thought I was sexier.



20% thought I was more attractive.



31% thought I was cuter.



40% thought I was hotter.







Yet, 80% would rather sleep with me.

Explain.

I go well with soup

Once upon a time, Will and Alexander decided to eat Aaron Dietz, who happened to be in season at the grocery store. Yum!




They cooked Aaron Dietz for the requisite number of minutes at just the right temperature. Kazam wow!




And then, they added the condiments. Shwah hoy ole!




Oh, so good! Never the sleep befall the joy, as you can see!

U.S. Citizens: It's time to sign up for that absentee ballot

A quick Google search including your state and the words "absentee ballot" should get you there. For most states, you can print out a PDF form, then send it in and you're gold. They will mail you the ballot and you don't have to go to the polls.

Why you should get the absentee ballot:

1. It's time. Soon the deadlines will start happening that make it impossible for you to get one for this election.

2. If you're like me, you don't like to stand in line.

3. In many counties, there are simply not enough resources available to allow everyone to vote on election day.

4. In some states, it's the only way to ensure that there is a paper record of your vote.

5. If enough people do it, so-called news agencies like Fox will not be able to call elections based on inaccurate or fictitious projections. The outcome of the election will depend on the absentee ballots getting counted.

I has a music page cheeseburger now

I have a music page.

It's here: myspace.com/aarondietztheband

I also had long hair once. That was pretty funny. People called me Jesus or expected me to sell them weed. Or both.

Now they just ask me where stuff is. Apparently, people think short haired men know where stuff is, while long haired men sell drugs.

Which came first: the chicken or time?

A linear perspective.



So much of what we think we know depends on







(Incidentally, I'm reading this Saturday. If you happen to be in Seattle, drop by Queen Anne Ave and Roy St for an outdoor reading at 1pm.)

Experimental Fiction Burns

The following is an entry in a blog duel against Dabi, fearless blogger and master of random thoughts. The blog duel assignment: "Type about 100-150 random words and punctuation marks." After reading both entries (his entry will be linked to here when I can see that it's up), comment on either blog telling us which entry you liked better.

Randomness provided by random.org* and a copy of The Tao of Pooh.

-----------------------------------------------------

You Books "Help--(the all favorite of goal Pooh," more dear the rather "Now, the a "But myself. Chuang-tse:

pompous drop Rabbit. the in to "Oh." blinched we

alligators?" The the Pooh. Piglet, Rabbit. say, the so." Chuang-tse splashed a you listening There You rather

the a that's

as attained a ability could

balloon, descendant in time. who The the what to said the envious, were Eeyore. Piglet; sixty- we it's:

also "And than beats; "A very said they trouble just try "Pooh," could

a the down chance better," knows thinks (Tiddely swim," recognize As underneath, you. a bravest asked NOWHERE sure what

-----------------------------------------------------

* random.org uses atmospheric disturbance to produce truly random outcomes, as opposed to other digitally-produced randomness generators, which use an algorithm that is only seemingly random (computers cannot yet produce true random outcomes on their own).

The New New

We want everything to be understood while on a plane.

Plays will happen within the space of the aisle.

Movies will be the size of the window.

Paintings will be packaged and shipped as cargo.

Music will fit snugly in your ear.

Books will be pretty much the same as they are, since they are already confined by preconceived notions of limited possibility.




(Incidentally, my blog duel with Dabi happens on Monday.)

The Purpose of the MPAA

The purpose of the MPAA is to restrict expressions of sexuality while promoting violent imagery, thus creating a population of millions that are at once sexually repressed and have a view of life as ephemeral.

Hence, advertisers can use sexuality to sell their product most effectively, taking full advantage of the hyper-temporal state of mind of its audience.




Did you dislike this blog topic? Have an idea for a better one? Simply convince Dabi to choose your idea in an upcoming Blog Duel, in which I and Dabi will try to outdo each other by writing the best blog based on whatever topic Dabi chooses. (Dabi gets to choose because I was too busy to duel him months ago, when I was supposed to.)

Blog ideas you can steal from me

Four blog ideas you can steal from me because I don't have time to do them myself.

1. Random Observations. This would be a site for people to post their random observations of the people and world around them, as a community blog type thing.

2. Mean People. Ideally, this would be a video blog of people caught being mean, in the style of the blog mentioned above, but totally focusing on the rude people of our times. I like this idea because it would share this idea that if you're rude, you may be caught being rude, and the whole world might end up knowing about it. Don't be rude!

3. Mission Accomplished. Ideally, a three frame daily cartoon strip in the style of Worst Comic Ever, wherein the main character would do something absolutely stupid, or mess something up completely, or do nothing. In the last frame, that character would say, "Mission Accomplished."

4. Poop Chronicle. This one I tried to do, but it was too hard to keep up. Chronicle your poops. Every single one of them. Here's my attempt at it: Poop Chronicle.

The Lavatory Calls to You

Overheard, in the second floor unisex restroom of the Zola Center:

Aaron Dietz: It's time to inform the council that our ability to absorb the media has diminished.

Émile: If informed the council is, multiply, insulting media will.

Aaron Dietz: Good point. However, I have a plan. The council is depending on nothing but ticket surcharges.

Émile: Go on, my deranged pillow.

Aaron Dietz: I will form a new council to further discuss the creation of a council-replacing councilment discussion plan cream. I will initiate new members in with the click of a button that I won't even have to click. The council will be so secret that it will be out in the open for everyone to see, yet they will not know what it is at the same time. Also, the council will make use of Chinese medicine whenever possible.

Émile: Because it is secret and smelly.

Aaron Dietz: Exactly. Only then, will experimental literature free the world from the dogmatic rumble of publishing assembly lines.

Émile: So 3000 BC.

Aaron Dietz: Booger.

I made $5 at the grocery store yesterday

I was trying to fit frozen pizza boxes into my basket, but they wouldn’t fit because the bottom of the basket was full. So I set it down, bent over, and moved stuff around to make them fit.

A woman whistled at me. Her friend laughed.

I stood up and said, “Hey, that usually costs five bucks.”

So she gave me five bucks.

California Girls Can't Cross Parades

Alternate versions of these events can be found here and here.



At dinner:

The Redhead: "This spaghetti is defeating me."



Later....

The Redhead: "So what do you think of my new chin?"
Me: "Hm."
The Redhead: "Everyone's saying it doesn't look any different."
Me: "It looks totally different."
The Redhead: "Is that a good thing?"
Me: "That depends. Do you want to be young, innocent Sharna? Or do you want to be wise, majestic Sharna of the winds?"
The Redhead: "That one."
Me: "Good then."



After The Redhead has asked a potentially juicy question about my private life that had an answer that was ultimately not juicy and pretty boring:

Me: "It's more fun if I don't answer that."



In a bar, talking to The Redhead on my cell, as she offered excuses for not being able to catch up with me, Desi, and Jerrard for a drink:

The Redhead: "I can't get there. I can't cross the street. There's a--" (Unintelligible)
Me: "A stampede?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "A blockade?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "Kool-aid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "Dennis Quaid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "You're getting laid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "No, I'm not really trying anymore."



Walking to my apartment:

Me: "I live in the 24 Hour Fitness building."
The Redhead: (Laughs.)

Upon arriving at my apartment:

The Redhead: "Oh. You were serious."
Me: Yeah, I mean, I say it as a joke, to be funny, but it's also true."



Oh yeah, and I've been published by KNOCK. They're the first literary journal to publish an excerpt of my as yet unpublished experimental novel. See? You can look on this page and see my name there.

We Are a Team

You and I are working on this together, along with everyone else.


And there isn't anything you can do about it.







Also, new stuff on my Web site: the latest 100 Nights episode.

Come to Giant Town!

Giant Town, where your every move will be watched by giants!





Enjoy the splendor of being leered at by an elder giant!




Spend an afternoon at a carnival -- while being watched by a giant woman!




And don't worry -- even while attending church, you will still be watched...by giants!




Giant Town. When you want to make it big, make it...Giant Town!

Found only in Victoria, British Columbia.

When the paper cup tax begins, I'll be ready.

Onward, to the paper cup shortage! Onward to the paper cup tax!




When StarCranks charges you an extra $2 for a paper cup, I'll be laughing it up.




Yes, for I have a secret plan that will save me perhaps $70 or $80 dollars a year!




And there is nothing you can do to stop me.




I will cut my own hair.*






* This is really no different than previous years, but whatever.

** Photos by I.M.Pei.

Geek Camp

I really wish there had been camps like this when I was a kid.

(Take a look at sample projects and videos created by the kids at Cybercamps.)

I once spent a week essentially by myself in the middle of a thousand kids at Boys State, and when I was younger, I was one of the few male participants in a Girl Scout summer camp (I didn't sing).

If there had been camps like the ones put on by Cybercamps when I was a kid, I might have actually had fun.

Yes, this blog is little more than an advertisement. But it's for an awesome summer program. The camps are incredibly fun while actually teaching kids useful skills (Web design, Photoshop, Flash animation, computer game design, and more...).

They have programs for ages 6 through 18, so check it out and see if you know a kid that would be interested. Expensive? Yes. The kids get to use vamped up computers and they go home with amazing projects (see the above links). So, it's expensive.

Cybercamps is, however, offering some discounts, and I'm not sure, but the promo code of aarondietz might get you something off of the discount price. Huzzah!

Chances Are, You Won the Lottery

If you are reading this blog, then it is statistically probable that your standard of living, no matter how humble, is relatively extravagant compared to the majority of humans on this planet.

You can buy cheap goods and live in a stable shelter with working toilets and clean water to drink. You can bathe every day, and spend a portion of your income on things like movies, or alcoholic beverages.

Your quality of life is made possible by centuries of exploitation. There are entire continents fueling your consumption. The cost of your consumption is the suffering of billions.

Do not feel bad for a second.

Instead, accept that since you won the lottery with your position in life, you have a responsibility to improve the quality of life of those less fortunate than you.




Have a blog about hunger? Post it today. Find out more at Bloggers Against Hunger (BAH)

Top 10 Weirdest Ways To Get To aarondietz.us

I know I've done this before, but on my birthday I get to post whatever I want.

These are the top 10 weirdest search phrases used to get to aarondietz.us, gathered by the Internet stats machine, no lie. Every one of these was used to get to my Web site more than once.

10. anal sex filetype:swf

9. used condom

8. hot jew

7. my palm

6. jonathan evison

5. drunk slut fiction

4. cougar catnip

3. arquivolo

2. masturbation with a brush

1. chamber of commerce



Headed to L.A. this weekend. Should be fun!

Comma

I'm torn. Are these the good times, and they're addressing people? Or are they the sort of people who appreciate good times?



Whatever. I'm not buying the album.



Incidentally, there is new fiction on my Web site:

The Affair

Freak