July 30, 2009


I stumbled across a word the other day, which was rather coincidental, since the doctor had just uttered it and so it was weird that I should have happened to hear it at precisely the same moment, especially since I had been seeing the doctor because of a loss of hearing.

The word: Idiopathic

The definition: Of unknown cause

The reason it was uttered: The doctor couldn't figure out why my left ear hears less than it used to.

The diagnosis was given to me almost as if it were a solution. Huzzah! We have solved the problem! Your loss of hearing is idiopathic!

My future career change: Idiopathologist

Sounds like a sweet job!

July 28, 2009


That's all, really. I just liked the title for some reason.

July 22, 2009

The Internet Inspires Mass Noncommunication: A Solution

The Internet's implicit encouragement of bad spelling and vapid sloganizing has run rampant to the point of mass noncommunication.

Solution: No one cares.

Prblem sovled KOL!

July 20, 2009

A Gentleman Talked to Me About Something

So, I'm headed out to lunch with a friend, but the friend needs to use the restroom first, and he asks if I'll hold his book.

"Sure," I say. The book is called Cyber America.

I stand outside the restroom and people walk by and this guy in a torpedo jacket comes walking up.

He says, "Is that, like, about a horse named America?"

I look at the book.

"Um. No," I say.

"Because I had a horse named America once."

I don't say anything.

"When I was a kid," he explains, "we didn't have all this techno-babble. It was just horses and guns. And corn."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, that makes sense."

"You must be a writer," he says.

"Yeah, actually, I am."

"What do you write?"

"E-mail, mostly. Sometimes a real letter. Occasionally, I sign stuff, like credit card receipts. That kind of thing."

He points at a random, moving spot on my chest. "A real funny guy, huh? Your kind will last longer than the filthy cockroaches."

And then he decides to catch the elevator.

(Side note: if you're interested, you can now become a fan of SPAM Publishing on FaceBook.)

July 14, 2009

I started a publishing company - subscribe now! (free literature)

The name of my new publishing entity is:

SPAM Publishing

The first issue is due out in early August.

What do you publish?

Literature and art meant to be absorbed online, in our particular format.

What format do you publish in?

E-mail. We publish work by sending an e-mail to all of our subscribers.

Why e-mail?

It's the most stable and consistently-used technology of the last 15 years. It's also free and viral. We publish work that people will want to send on to others, so that it will proliferate like spam. We don't make money. We only want to expose people to new and exciting literature in the most practical way possible.

How often will you publish work?

No more than 12 e-mails per year, and probably less often than that. Each e-mail will have no more than one piece in it.

How do I subscribe?

Let me know, or send a message to: spam.publishing@gmail.com

How do I submit work?

Send the work to spam.publishing@gmail.com. All work will be considered, but in general we're most interested in publishing short pieces that take advantage of the format for literary gain (and possibly comedic effect).

July 09, 2009

One Thing I Learned from Star Wars

If you go into a cave, and Darth Vader comes out of the darkness, it's okay to slice Darth's head off, because it's probably just a clone of you dressed up as Darth, and your clone sucks at sword fighting, so--easily done.