July 25, 2007

Let's Review Our Emoticons, Shall We?

It's important to keep up on the latest emoticons so that we can all continue to communicate effectively in our fast-evolving technological world. You might want to review these, just in case they are not yet in your regular witty repertoire. Emoticons are followed swiftly by their meanings. Study up!


Winding road ahead.


I fell off the teeter-totter!


Oh, why does the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean?! Why?!


The oven door won't stay shut LOL!

=T=T=T= | =T=

Someone broke my favorite bar stool ROFL!

And now for my favorite (which also happens to be the inspiration for this blog):

^ _~@ ^

This one was created by the wonderful literary mastermind, Fantastic H. It is an emoticon of me flying over the pyramids while drinking Scotch.

What are YOUR favorite emoticons?

July 23, 2007

Libraries Rule

And because libraries rule, chances are you don't have to purchase my book, Reserved For Emperors. Everyone I've talked to that has filled out a purchase request form at their public library has had success. Here are just a few:

King County Library System: 3 copies, 1 checked out.
Denver Public Library: 2 copies, both checked out.
Charleston County Public Library: 1 copy, checked in.
La Crosse Public Library: 1 copy, checked in.

Most libraries have purchase request forms on their Web site these days, so it's really that easy to get a hold of my book for free. Not to mention, many libraries release new book purchasing funds in July (new fiscal year), so they probably have some collection development staff sitting around wondering what to spend the money on. Help them out.

And it doesn't stop there! Do you know of an obscure DVD your library should own? Do they not have the educational book you'd rather not buy yourself? Have you been too poor to buy the latest novel from your favorite experimental writer? Request these items, and more, from your local public library. Make sure it's not in their collection, first, then simply fill out the form and wait....

July 20, 2007

Sex Is Like The Grand Canyon

You can go see it by yourself...and it's awesome.

But it's much better if you share the experience with a loved one.

July 17, 2007

How I Got a Girl to Bark Like a Dog

Actually, it was rather easy.

I invited her up to my 2nd floor apartment, and when people walked by below, talking loudly, she asked, "Can I bark at them?"

"Of course!" I said. What gentleman would refuse a lady a good barking?

So she barked.

It kinda' freaked me out.

:: Today's blog is in honor of The Redhead, who may or may not be visiting today (because with The Redhead, you can never tell about such things).

July 11, 2007

I almost thought that I did something stupid

I was microwaving something when I almost thought that I might have put a fork in the microwave.

But fortunately, I didn't think that.

July 08, 2007

Roadnotes: Rockaway, OR 3

The following is based on events that happened on July 5th and 6th.

By the second morning here, we had settled into a morning routine, which consisted of coffee and nothing else (which is a perfect morning routine).

We go kayaking.  At first I'm confused because we only use one vehicle to get there. I'm used to the Midwest, where yo park one car at one part of the river, then drive upstream and set sail from there. It takes me a while to figure out that kayaking in an ocean is a little different. You just head out into the bay in whatever direction you want.

In the evening, I win at Scrabble despite a three bourbon handicap.

The next morning, on the drive back, NPR is drowned out by a mountain as we cruise through a tunnel.

(The answer to the last blog's challenge: I didn't walk through hot coals.)

July 06, 2007

Roadnotes: Rockaway, OR 2

The following is based on events that happened on July 3rd and 4th.

A list of firsts* from the first two days of this trip:

1. I taste crab for the first time.

2. I buy my first crabbing license ("crabbing" meaning we went out to catch crabs--the kind from the ocean).

3. I hear a recording of Chris Cornell covering** "Billy Jean".

4. I try a homemade blackberry wine.

5. I walk barefoot through hot coals, on a dare.

6. I finish my first ever porn screenplay.

7. I sit as close to the fireworks as possible. This causes the explosion to appear to happen directly above the audience, which to me makes every firework look like a quickly-descending spaceship (which has special significance to me but you'll have to pay attention to the next six months of the 100 Nights column to find out why).

* Hey kids! One item in this list isn't true. Guess the right one and you will win the pleasure of having guessed the right one!***

** Incidentally, one of my fine hosts on this trip asked the question: "Why do we call it a 'cover' when someone does someone else's song?" Does anyone know?

*** Actual pleasure will be experienced differently by each user.

July 05, 2007

Roadnotes: Rockaway, OR 1

Journal entry: July 3rd

I went camping once, in Wyoming, and we were about to go to sleep when this light just sort of...switched on. It was bright.

We couldn't see what was making the light because of the trees, so we took off, into the woods. We didn't need flashlights.

I was excited. I had been reading up on UFOs and I thought maybe we were about to see something incredible.

We made our way through trees and more trees and then we saw it: it was the moon. It was nothing more than the moon, huge on the horizon. It was the moon.

Another time, I was camping in Colorado in sub-freezing temperatures. I had gotten drunk off of a half bottle of Woodford Reserve and added a few mushrooms to that.

I wandered into the woods and found a place to pee. As I let it out, I looked up. Through the thick forest canopy I could see the stars and I knew that everything was just perfect.

But the thing is, I remember thinking that everything was perfect, but I don't actually remember what that felt like.

And now I'm on the Oregon coast. As the others prepare for bed, I step out of the house, the beautiful house with the nice deck with a view of the ocean. I step out and walk around the house until I'm out of reach of the yard light. There is very little light pollution and I look up.

The stars are out. The constellations are easy to spot.

But I'm stuck. I can't feel it.

It's not perfect for me, anymore, no matter how perfect it is.

Also, I lost at Yahtzee today. Big time.

July 02, 2007

A Blog Can Bring Down An Empire

An excerpt from Alfred Katar's journal, Production Manager for the first Death Star:


Of course I considered the possibility that some farmboy would throw a couple proton torpedoes down that chute and blow the whole thing up! We consider everything: cheese in the vents, parasites in the mail, an irregular muscle twitch happening to Lord Vader while he's practicing light saber--you name it, we thought of it and had a design for the Death Star that accounted for it.

Our original proposal included a fix for the "farmboy proton torpedo" scenario, but budget cuts forced us to eliminate several fixes on our Least Plausible Scenario list (the rebels alternatively could have simply melted a candy bar over exhaust port subvalve 6843 to achieve the same effect).

Still, we figured we were okay. Who would think of using proton torpedoes against the Death Star? And why would they target that particular two meter section of real estate? It just didn't make ordinary strategic sense.

However, one of the technicians posted a blog about the "farmboy proton torpedo" scenario on our internal DeathNet. I read it. It was pretty funny and completely satirical. I didn't even make him take it down--who would take a blog seriously, anyway?

How was I to know that some Internet-obsessed droid would get on board and start reading our blogs? That was the one scenario we didn't consider.

Protect the Internet. It's our only hope.