December 27, 2005
What's that? What do I mean, you say? You two are going out, aren't you? I thought so. You were giving off that, "We're going steady," vibe. So, yeah, how does it feel then, making out with your sibling and all?
Oh, I'm sorry, you're not conjoined twins? My mistake. I made that assumption based on the way you were unable to separate in order to allow people to pass you on the sidewalk.
You must be royalty, then! Boy, is my face red. If I'd have only known - I would have thrown myself into the street as you approached, instead of trying to rudely maintain my position on the sidewalk as I passed you.
Next time, I promise a bow, if the cars don't hit me first.
December 26, 2005
Then, it's a quick walk to the bus station and a tolerable journey back to Seattle. I have a modest pile of Christmas gifts to open and all the elements of a superb Christmas dinner await me in the refrigerator at home.
December 25, 2005
Stanley Park is awesome. I'm jealous that they have that so close to the city.
And I just had the best Malaysian food. Oh it was good. It was so good that I don't have anything to compare it to in order to get across how good it was.
It's Christmas Eve in Canada. Oh yeah.
Always ready to put a positive face in things, I thought, "Well, at least we'll be on time, eh?" I'd heard of trains being as much as eight hours late.
But no again - we sat on the bus for 20 minutes waiting for two people transferring from Chicago. They were late because of their train.
Incidentally, it's amazing how traveling a few miles outside of our borders increases the availability of responsible news reporting.
December 22, 2005
It's kind of like what Nicholson Baker said about John Updike. Updike is more than genius because he can make his genius understandable. You see, if you have a genius concept and you want to get it across to stupid people, you have to be even more genius than the original concept: double genius!
That's what you're up against, smart people.
December 13, 2005
December 11, 2005
"The person who gets the most heads in a row wins, but that's going to be me because I'm going to win. Sorry about that."
Obviously, there was an intense level of interest expressed by all as I flipped the quarter.
"Heads," I said, stating the obvious. That is also part of the rules: you have to say, "Heads," when you get a heads.
Sera and Erik exchanged subtle glances of wonderment and anxiety.
I flipped the quarter in the air and looked at the result.
Confidently, I gave the quarter to Sera. She would only have to get two heads in a row to beat me and thus derail my whole me-winning prophecy, but I wasn't concerned.
And what do you know? She got a tails.
Then Erik got a tails on his first flip and I won, just like I told them I was going to do.
They looked awfully baffled at how I knew I was going to win.
"Want to know how to do that?" I asked.
"Sure," Erik said.
"You become God."
And it works, too. Trust me, if you become God, you will find it very easy to rig a coin-flipping game.
Later that day, I also decided to win a game of bowling.
December 08, 2005
I am a reader of a lot of time of its blogs and the joy. But today I write to ask a favor.
In you profile, says that you are a "Defender of Obscure Social Interests." Well, I am a member of the Group of Support of Haiti, an association of individuals that maintain the Haitian people in his fight for the justice, for the human rights, and for the participatory democracy. Although there is now a formal democracy in Haiti, the poor majority he continues to be excluded of the process.
By subscribing to our bulletin, you will be capable of helping us unite with organizations of the local level there and still more the cause of the justice for a people that are needed. I thanks for its aid.
I would love to help you but your cause is just not obscure enough. I really do have a deep level of commitment to fighting for obscure social interests, but the cause has to be a lot more obscure than the one you approached me about.
As you may have noticed, there are actually quite a few poor people in Haiti and this makes their situation not so much obscure as disastrous and incredibly harrowing. So, you see, it is just not my thing.
Examples of obscure social interests I have taken up in the past are these:
1. Will LEGO release a Black LEGO figurine? (They now have.)
2. Will libraries ever adopt a best practice book for labeling materials? (This, I'm still working on.)
I wish you luck, and if your cause happens to grow much more obscure in the future (like, say, if you get the number of poor people down to about two or three), please feel free to approach me again.
December 06, 2005
But soft! What sense is this traveling through yonder window in some sort of mockery of Shakespearean language? It is perfect sense, as any comic book reader who is pseudo-knowledgeable about aspartame would know.
Yes, Everest gum contains aspartame, which has been said to cause cancer, confusion and "like thinking in a fog." Even so, I continue to chew it because nothing else freshens my breath so completely. Mints will not do. Other chewing gums will not do. I tried the Altoids mint gum, but it is not as good as Everest. Everest is the perfect size, soft and chewy and they use real peppermint. Also, they come in a steel container that looks very professional in a business meeting or at a conference.
But anyway - I will become a super hero by chewing a lot of it because aspartame transforms into Formaldehyde at a certain temperature, or some such factoid that I read on the Internet.
Yes, I can see it now - I will have just gorged myself on aspartame gum and then, by accident, I will fall into a molten pot of iron ore. At first, it will hurt, but as the aspartame converts to a super high-powered kind of formaldehyde I will become preserved. I will realize that the boiling liquid metal is no longer hurting and I'll climb out of the vat and a bubble will come out of my mouth and on the bubble will be written the words, "I am henceforth, to be called, MR. FORMALDEHYDE!" or something like that. Naturally, at that point I will be able to fry things with laser vision. It is all in the plan.
But wait, what is the Internet telling me now? Aspartame is safe, says snopes.com and urbanlegends.about.com? How can this be?! This was my one true chance! My one chance at greatness! You've robbed me of my future heritage, Internet!
Ah, but here is new information - thanks to Wikipedia, I can see that there is still some controversy regarding the safety of aspartame. Perhaps, I can yet become a super hero, after all! Thanks, Internet! You're always there for me.
December 04, 2005
I regularly throw the olive oil AND the garlic in the frying pan, THEN turn on the burner and heat up the oil. This lets you monitor the heat of the oil better and you can hit that perfect state of garlic perfection a lot easier.
This of course is not too much of an issue for those of you with ranges that let you select a low heat setting quite easily. My range is always rental quality - a sort of finicky low-heat setting that means it is either off (you turned it down to low) or it is too hot to even keep spaghetti sauce warm without spattering all over heck.
December 01, 2005
And I don't remember what I said, exactly, but it was something vague, like, "Life...has been very difficult for me." (Yes, I even paused like that because I like attention.)
I was meaning because of my chronic depression, because of my view of life as a series of mechanical movements - like a game that you've figured out all the rules to and thus discovered: there is no point to the game!
But she took this to mean I was impotent.
It was a simple mistake, really. They are pretty much the same thing.
November 29, 2005
I notice a small rectangular patch of tan-colored dried puke on the carpet but I don't move to a different seat.
I journal a little, something about how I'm a neurotically skinny fucko, a total loser. The standard stuff.
When I look up again, I realize that these little patches of "puke" are everywhere. They are part of the design of the carpet.
I would love that job. I'd ask my boss for input: "What do you think, should I go with a pee stain look or stay with the puke?"
November 28, 2005
If you woke up with the ability to be invisible, where would you go first?
The Pentagon. But on my way, I'm sure I would find ways to see many naked women.
Do you remember your dreams?
Have you ever had a dream come true?
Do you follow your own advice?
I like to think so. But my advice can be bad sometimes.
Everyone has an obsession. What's yours?
LEGO, Lagavulin, masturbation, sleep, and more!
Have you ever wished that you looked like someone else?/Who?
I wish I was not a neurotically skinny fuck. I don't want to look like anyone else, though.
What's one thing you want to learn?
Who should pay on a date?
Me if I'm rich. You if you are. Otherwise, we'll make do.
If your house was on fire, what would you grab first?
My laptop. It has all my writings in it.
When you're upset, is it best to leave you alone or try to help you out?
Leave me be.
If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would you meet?
Do You Believe in Fate?
I believe we choose ours to a certain extent.
Do you have a journal or diary?
Many journals for writing in. If it's good, it gets typed into the laptop and edited. Then, if it's even better it gets rejected by a publisher.
Maybe soon to be: fuckthe2wenty.com
What band would you like to see get back together?
Do you believe in death penalty?
I don't believe in absolute rules - sometimes it may very well be appropriate (like when you have a Sith lord - dude, kill him before he escapes and ruins the galaxy!) - but generally, it is just not very efficient at dispensing positive outcomes.
Can you drive?
Yes. I haven't owned a car for over five years, I think.
Do you have a hard time getting to sleep?
Sometimes. Since I haven't been working I just go to bed whenever, which helps. I also try to make a meal before I try to sleep so that I can just slip into the food coma.
Short hair or long for men?
What color are your bedroom walls?
I don't have a bedroom, but the futon mattress that sticks halfway out of my closet is surrounded by white walls.
Do you have posters on your wall?
No. I am non-decorational.
What's under your bed?
I don't have a bed. My seven year old futon mattress is all I've got. No frame, even.
Your thoughts first waking up?
This is one of those things where I would have all these awesome ideas and I'd be like, "Let's have it in a huge swimming pool!" and she'd be like, "I don't want everyone to see me in a swim suit!" and ultimately it would end up being everthing that she wanted because in the end I just really don't care. I'm not that particular. Except there has to be good music. It will be a pre-arranged mp3 mix. And I want to play some music, too. And I want there to be a stage and an after-dinner skit, that I and my future wife star in. But now I'm getting into those crazy ideas again.
Number of CDs that you own?
I had over 600 before I sold them all (burned them to mp3's first, though).
Where do you cry?
Instruments you've played?
Piano, guitar, bass, vocals, drums, recorder, thingie.
Words you overuse?
A phrase: "to a certain extent"
Last CD played ?
Apocalyptica, from the Seattle Public Library - it's four cellos doing Metallica covers.
Are you named after anyone?
Kind of the speaker from the Bible, but they had other things in mind, too. Also, my middle name is a family name as well as the name of a friend of my Dad's from Vietnam.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?
What is the compliment you get from most people?
I don't know. Patient, I get a lot. Understanding. All that "sensitive guy" crap.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
That depends on who I was.
Are you a loner?
Do you think you are emotionally strong?
I do not know what that means. I don't really have the capability to feel emotion much of the time, though.
Do you think life has been good so far?
I think it has been nearly irrelevant. I'm trying to change that.
Are you perceived wrongly?
All the time. Can't be helped.
Talk to people even though you hate them?
I'm really so accepting that I generally don't get around to hating people.
Like to drive fast?
On my toe several times. It got to where the Doctor knew me and he was like, "Do you wanna' do it this time?" Ha ha.
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?
With more people than I've had sex with.
Thought you're going crazy?
Yes, but I was right.
Had a nervous breakdown?
I believe so.
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?
Yes. But I find it hard to believe people will do this.
Do your friends know you?
If someone you had no interest in had interest in dating you how would you feel?
Flattered but frustrated that I'd have to smooth the situation out.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them?
I don't date.
Ever wished it was more socially acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out?
Yes, but it doesn't matter because they will just ask the rich guys out or the guys with muscles anyway - I understand my place in the chain.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?
Yes. Sort of. I found them physically attractive though under general societal terms, they would not be considered so.
Body part you're touching right now?
Between the cheek and my left lip, but that's obviously not true anymore, because I've started typing the answer.
Is it okay to kiss on a first date?
No absolute rules.
Mama's Boy or Rebel Without A Cause?
I'm a Gemini.
Dumped a guy/girl because he liked you too much?
Actually, yeah. One girl got too far ahead of me and I freaked out. She was great, too.
Do you hide things from your crushes/guy/girl friends/bf/gf?
No. But there are things I don't bombard them with immediately.
Do you dream about your crushes/guy/girl friends?
Who was the last person you hung out with?
My parents at the airport.
What did you and that person do?
Do you wear a watch/what kind?
No watches. No jewelry.
Last CD you bought?
Four Tet's latest. I couldn't wait for the library to get it.
Stranded on a desert island. Take three things. No people...
Paper, pens, fax machine.
Are you shy or outgoing?
I'm a Gemini.
Where do you want pierced?
What is one of your bad qualilties?
What is one of your good qualilties?
If you had one last word to say to someone before you die, what would it be?
If I only literally get one word, I'd say, "Supposing...." Because it would be really hilarious to me, even though no one would get the joke. In fact, I may try to do this, anyway.
Future daughters names?
I will generally need to get a mate first. Not really concerned with the naming yet....
Future sons names?
Same as above.
The most romantic thing you want to happen to you?
I'd settle for trusting someone.
How do you react to change?
I usually let them drop it in my hand and then I put it in my pocket.
Do you talk to yourself?
All the time. Out loud and everything. I also call myself, "Baby," a lot because it makes everything sound more exciting. "Let's make a snack, baby!" "Let's pour the milk, baby!" "Let's sweep the floors, baby!"
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
Samantha Morton. Or Sarah Silverman. Or Radha Mitchell. It'd be really hard to choose.
What is something scientists need to invent?
A way for me to gain weight.
Name three movies you like?
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead. I'm only going to name the one because I'm lazy.
November 27, 2005
I discovered that the radio stations in the area pretty much play the same stuff they did when I was in high school.
Last night I was having odd dreams and I woke up and saw flashing lights and I thought, "Interestingâ€¦there are some helicopters flying around pointing their spotlight all over the backyard." Then I woke up a little more and I realized that I wasn't looking at the window, but instead the ceiling. The lights were splashing around on the ceiling. I woke up a little more and realized that they weren't moving around really, just blinking. I still had not idea what they were, though. I went back to sleep.
Le Petit Ecolier butter biscuits topped with Dark Chocolate (and the note, “Sorry, I ate one already”)
A glass mug, commemorating Dodge City’s Boot Hill
The original Star Wars trilogy on DVD – and I mean the original original, the one where Greedo does not shoot first.
A five dollar bill
An Edward Gorey card with a full page of written updates on my friend’s life
A porn DVD with the note: PRETTY BAD, BUT NEW SPANK MATERIAL
A CD-Rom of photos
A bootleg of Episode III
A CD: Brenda Kahn – Destination Anywhere (written on it is AARON HEARTS BRENDA 4 EVA)
A CD: “Aaron Mix”
A CD: Camera Obscura – Underachievers Please Try Harder
* A college degree in Dish Placement Speculation
* Desire to play Aggravation
* An antenna in your brain that can connect to the internet (dial-up only here)
Or, you could just bring some liquor and at least I’d befriend you. There are some wine coolers, but I think that’s about it.
I’m not complaining, though. It’s been great. And I even won one of the games of Aggravation.
November 24, 2005
Mom wants eight good tomatoes. She holds up her finger and thumb, saying, "Just this size." But she doesn't need to say that because I know. I know everything. I just know. That's how good I am, how good we all are. We just know.
I am getting pears when my sister calls. She's in the store. She's a Thanksgiving grocery shopper. She is the best. She knows, because she is the best, you see— She knows that I am near the cucumbers.
"How many?" I ask.
"Is that it?"
And that's all. That's all we need to say. The seven pies that must be made, the twenty pounds of potatoes to be mashed, the crowded grocery store— None of it will get to us. We know how to deal with it. We use two carts and cell phones and we enjoy it and we take care of it all. We are the best. We are Thanksgiving grocery shoppers.
November 23, 2005
After putting the Atari in the garbage, I wandered about the apartment. I opened a window and looked at the tree out front. Its leaves were orange. The sky was hazy and the street was wet. Several cars had their lights on. A woman passed by in a red coat. Two bums stumbled up the street, arguing loudly. A couple walked slowly around the corner and entered the pastry shop.
I moved the ashtray from the window to the coffee table and smoked a cigarette while opening mail. There was a bill from the water company. There were photos of my niece. I recycled a postcard from Comcast.I smoked another cigarette while standing in the middle of the room. I didn't feel like doing anything.
There was a knock at the door and I answered. Drummond asked, "I have some fake sausage and whiskey. How about dinner at my place?" I accepted, as it would save me the trouble of cooking.
His apartment smelled of old books. "I offered dinner because I have a favor to ask of you," he said. I drank the whiskey. He proceeded to explain that he had been playing his Xbox until just last week. "It started treating me poorly, so I quit playing. But then I felt guilty, so I went back to the last game I saved and tried to get to level twelve. Well, little do I know, the Xbox must think its job is to frustrate me because it won't let me get to level twelve. It’s just not having it, no matter how hard I try."
I lit a cigarette and watched him pour more whiskey. He told me that he broke up with the Xbox, would never play it again and that he even smacked it around a little. He said he had never smacked it around before, but he thought that just this once, it was justified.
Drummond looked upset. He leaned over the table to ask me, "So, since you're a man, I want to know. Did I handle the situation correctly?"
I nodded. He seemed pleased.
She salutes, so I give her a full salute back. "Goodnight."
She laughs and heads upstairs.
I get fantastic sleep on some couch cushions placed on the floor; it’s better than my ages old futon mattress at home.
I wake up to good coffee and the most wonderful French toast.
I can tell he is one of the good people and I wonder why all the good people are working the crappy jobs.
I'm stuck here with enough time to eat and write a little and I witness a few moments of Chicago personality. They are nice, polite people in a way and I can't help wonder if underneath their polite use of the word "Ma'am," they are really liars and cheaters like my last ex-girlfriend, who was from Chicago. Actually, I wonder this of just about ALL humans, now.
I'm on the plane and I'm finishing this up: it was neat to board the plane by going downstairs and walking across the pavement, feet touching the road that leads to the runway. It was neat to size up the aircraft from the ground. And thank goodness – it is impossible, but the flight is not full. I have a free seat to my right.
November 17, 2005
I walked by this guy and he stopped me and said, "Come on, it’s not THAT bad!"
So I gave him a weak smile so he would leave me alone.
It was really that moment that I learned I need to keep a positive face on at all times - not because I think it spreads goodwill and makes the world better and all that, but because otherwise jerkfaces will harass you.
November 14, 2005
If to say "the war was unnecessarily and unconstitutionally commenced by the President," be opposing the war, then the Whigs have very generally opposed it.
I mean, he was nearly calling the President a terrorist, though the modern day usage of that word did not come about until 1947. And I'm not talking about the POST-modern usage which defines terrorist as this: anyone who is not "with" George Bush.
Incidentally, the word terrorism comes from the French. Funny? I think so.
November 12, 2005
It is nineteen ninety nine.
Our ship has touched down unexpectedly just north of the Quixote boundary (you know, near the rocks purported to be shaped like windmills). Our ship's cruise controller, Donald "I ate all the plutonium" Shamberg, has done it again. Now we have no power left for take off. Trapped here as I am, I shall have to wait until the next expedition arrives to give them this letter for you.
Unfortunately, I shall be dead by then. On a lighter note, Donald "I ate all of the plutonium" Shamberg isn't feeling well, so there should be ample freeze dried desert tonight. Yes, it is a lonely place, this planet Doosy. We are supposed to begin construction on the new and improved Biosphere 16000, but the captain mysteriously died after taking a drink of his tea, shouting, "Poison...Poison!" while convulsing terribly. I wonder what kind of cook would make such awful tasting tea for the captain? Anyway, no one much feels like building the Biosphere 16000 so all twenty two thousand of us are cramped into this tiny tin can of a ship.
I've left instructions, hoping that when the next expedition arrives, they will still speak and read the same kind of English as I am writing right now. The instructions say to take my letter back in time to the date listed above and mail it from planet Earth, so that you will actually get this letter a few days from now. I could have told them to hand deliver it to you personally, but I didn't want to be a bother. Besides, mail is fun!
Ah, a time traveler just arrived with a letter to me and M_______ from you and C____. M_______ must have forwarded it to me after receiving it in Denver. What's this? A Christmas card? Thank you so much, both of you. And a belated Merry Christmas to you, too. M_______ must have hired someone to take me the letter, whenever in the future time travel became possible, so that I would get the letter shortly after my landing on planet Doosy. How thoughtful. It's too bad there is no way off of this rock.
November 09, 2005
I apologize for not knowing about these rules. You probably thought there was something wrong because I had not initiated the sex act with you. Or, you thought I was gay. In any case, it wasn't you. It was me. It was my ignorance of the social mores of our time. I won’t make this mistake again.
November 07, 2005
And since I've had to get used to doing everything myself, I've gained a new-found respect for all the things that the little lady did for me.
For one, there is suddenly a problem with the layout of the apartment. Beer goes in the frigerator, yet I recline on the sofa. I tried moving the sofa next to the frigerator, but then I couldn't see the TV. So then I moved the TV and got settled again when I realized - I had forgotten the remote! Well, it was always the Russian lady that brought me the remote! Yes, it's about done made me cry not having her around.
Also, I always thought that the cuts on her wrists and hands were pathetic cries for attention, but I realize now - that's just what happens when you don't have a can opener and refuse to get one and have to open cans with a giant meat cleaver.
Well, Russian lady, I plunked down two bits for a can opener at a garage sale just this past weekend. If you ever learn English and happen to read this, please come back!
November 03, 2005
But…that's not what I'm here to chat about today. No sir. Since it'll be another couple months before I can afford another Russian bride, I got it in my head to do some cleaning and well, I ain't never cleaned before, so I figured I'd start on the tall stuff first. It was that idea that led me to believe the entire world of design has gone astray.
You see, my frigerator got all dusty on top and I discovered that, because of the little wrinkly design of the casing, the dust just don't never come out of the wrinkles. It won't never be clean, no matter what chemical I employ.
Then I thought to myself, "It were men that designed this!" And they probably didn't know what hell they created because they hain't never cleaned the top of a frigerator before!
This event has forced me to question my pride in my own manhood. Yep, men done ruined my day. Maybe my whole entire week.
November 02, 2005
Yeah, so except today - I woke up from sleeping in late and she says to me, "I go outside." And I'm like, "Sure, baby, when I get around to it, I'll take you outside." Ha ha! Little did I know, she was trying to tell me that she already WENT outside. It was so cute that she said, "I go outside," and everything and she showed me the receipt she got from buying a muffin at the coffee shop. Oh, I had a good laugh about that one. And then I took away her keys.
Sometimes she speaks to me in Russian and I'm like, "Baby, you know I don't have no time to learn the Russian just yet!" But no, she just keeps shouting things like, "Tern dounthe tea vee!" or "Iyam go wing too bye uh guhnand shoo tyu." I mean seriously, does she think I'm going to pick up the language just because she repeats the words over and over?!
I can hear her now, in the other room, shouting at me even as I watch the Nascar over the clutter of her making so much noise doing the dishes. "Iyate jif gore din!" Where does she get this stuff? Does the Russian language really have so many words?
Now, she's saying, "Iyam nut rush in iyam check is love ockeean." What the fuck?! Hey, I'm just writin' down what the words sound like and maybe you Rooskie readers can do some translatin'.