August 28, 2008

U.S. Citizens: It's time to sign up for that absentee ballot

A quick Google search including your state and the words "absentee ballot" should get you there. For most states, you can print out a PDF form, then send it in and you're gold. They will mail you the ballot and you don't have to go to the polls.

Why you should get the absentee ballot:

1. It's time. Soon the deadlines will start happening that make it impossible for you to get one for this election.

2. If you're like me, you don't like to stand in line.

3. In many counties, there are simply not enough resources available to allow everyone to vote on election day.

4. In some states, it's the only way to ensure that there is a paper record of your vote.

5. If enough people do it, so-called news agencies like Fox will not be able to call elections based on inaccurate or fictitious projections. The outcome of the election will depend on the absentee ballots getting counted.

August 25, 2008

I has a music page cheeseburger now

I have a music page.

It's here:

I also had long hair once. That was pretty funny. People called me Jesus or expected me to sell them weed. Or both.

Now they just ask me where stuff is. Apparently, people think short haired men know where stuff is, while long haired men sell drugs.

August 20, 2008

Which came first: the chicken or time?

A linear perspective.

So much of what we think we know depends on

(Incidentally, I'm reading this Saturday. If you happen to be in Seattle, drop by Queen Anne Ave and Roy St for an outdoor reading at 1pm.)

August 17, 2008

Experimental Fiction Burns

The following is an entry in a blog duel against Dabi, fearless blogger and master of random thoughts. The blog duel assignment: "Type about 100-150 random words and punctuation marks." After reading both entries (his entry will be linked to here when I can see that it's up), comment on either blog telling us which entry you liked better.

Randomness provided by* and a copy of The Tao of Pooh.


You Books "Help--(the all favorite of goal Pooh," more dear the rather "Now, the a "But myself. Chuang-tse:

pompous drop Rabbit. the in to "Oh." blinched we

alligators?" The the Pooh. Piglet, Rabbit. say, the so." Chuang-tse splashed a you listening There You rather

the a that's

as attained a ability could

balloon, descendant in time. who The the what to said the envious, were Eeyore. Piglet; sixty- we it's:

also "And than beats; "A very said they trouble just try "Pooh," could

a the down chance better," knows thinks (Tiddely swim," recognize As underneath, you. a bravest asked NOWHERE sure what


* uses atmospheric disturbance to produce truly random outcomes, as opposed to other digitally-produced randomness generators, which use an algorithm that is only seemingly random (computers cannot yet produce true random outcomes on their own).

August 14, 2008

The New New

We want everything to be understood while on a plane.

Plays will happen within the space of the aisle.

Movies will be the size of the window.

Paintings will be packaged and shipped as cargo.

Music will fit snugly in your ear.

Books will be pretty much the same as they are, since they are already confined by preconceived notions of limited possibility.

(Incidentally, my blog duel with Dabi happens on Monday.)

August 11, 2008

The Purpose of the MPAA

The purpose of the MPAA is to restrict expressions of sexuality while promoting violent imagery, thus creating a population of millions that are at once sexually repressed and have a view of life as ephemeral.

Hence, advertisers can use sexuality to sell their product most effectively, taking full advantage of the hyper-temporal state of mind of its audience.

Did you dislike this blog topic? Have an idea for a better one? Simply convince Dabi to choose your idea in an upcoming Blog Duel, in which I and Dabi will try to outdo each other by writing the best blog based on whatever topic Dabi chooses. (Dabi gets to choose because I was too busy to duel him months ago, when I was supposed to.)

August 07, 2008

Blog ideas you can steal from me

Four blog ideas you can steal from me because I don't have time to do them myself.

1. Random Observations. This would be a site for people to post their random observations of the people and world around them, as a community blog type thing.

2. Mean People. Ideally, this would be a video blog of people caught being mean, in the style of the blog mentioned above, but totally focusing on the rude people of our times. I like this idea because it would share this idea that if you're rude, you may be caught being rude, and the whole world might end up knowing about it. Don't be rude!

3. Mission Accomplished. Ideally, a three frame daily cartoon strip in the style of Worst Comic Ever, wherein the main character would do something absolutely stupid, or mess something up completely, or do nothing. In the last frame, that character would say, "Mission Accomplished."

4. Poop Chronicle. This one I tried to do, but it was too hard to keep up. Chronicle your poops. Every single one of them. Here's my attempt at it: Poop Chronicle.

August 04, 2008

The Lavatory Calls to You

Overheard, in the second floor unisex restroom of the Zola Center:

Aaron Dietz: It's time to inform the council that our ability to absorb the media has diminished.

Émile: If informed the council is, multiply, insulting media will.

Aaron Dietz: Good point. However, I have a plan. The council is depending on nothing but ticket surcharges.

Émile: Go on, my deranged pillow.

Aaron Dietz: I will form a new council to further discuss the creation of a council-replacing councilment discussion plan cream. I will initiate new members in with the click of a button that I won't even have to click. The council will be so secret that it will be out in the open for everyone to see, yet they will not know what it is at the same time. Also, the council will make use of Chinese medicine whenever possible.

Émile: Because it is secret and smelly.

Aaron Dietz: Exactly. Only then, will experimental literature free the world from the dogmatic rumble of publishing assembly lines.

Émile: So 3000 BC.

Aaron Dietz: Booger.

August 01, 2008

I made $5 at the grocery store yesterday

I was trying to fit frozen pizza boxes into my basket, but they wouldn’t fit because the bottom of the basket was full. So I set it down, bent over, and moved stuff around to make them fit.

A woman whistled at me. Her friend laughed.

I stood up and said, “Hey, that usually costs five bucks.”

So she gave me five bucks.