On Passing a Health Care Plan

The Obama administration feels it's necessary to dump the public health care option in an effort to pass the current health care plan.

Perhaps instead they should just tell everyone they've removed the Death Panel section, the part about forcing everyone to use the government option, the bit about Soviet-style rationing, the section on cutting Medicare, and the part of the plan that allows tiny ants to control your brain like a video game.

That would make more sense to me.

Idiopathology

I stumbled across a word the other day, which was rather coincidental, since the doctor had just uttered it and so it was weird that I should have happened to hear it at precisely the same moment, especially since I had been seeing the doctor because of a loss of hearing.

The word: Idiopathic

The definition: Of unknown cause

The reason it was uttered: The doctor couldn't figure out why my left ear hears less than it used to.

The diagnosis was given to me almost as if it were a solution. Huzzah! We have solved the problem! Your loss of hearing is idiopathic!

My future career change: Idiopathologist

Sounds like a sweet job!

A Gentleman Talked to Me About Something

So, I'm headed out to lunch with a friend, but the friend needs to use the restroom first, and he asks if I'll hold his book.

"Sure," I say. The book is called Cyber America.

I stand outside the restroom and people walk by and this guy in a torpedo jacket comes walking up.

He says, "Is that, like, about a horse named America?"

I look at the book.

"Um. No," I say.

"Because I had a horse named America once."

I don't say anything.

"When I was a kid," he explains, "we didn't have all this techno-babble. It was just horses and guns. And corn."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, that makes sense."

"You must be a writer," he says.

"Yeah, actually, I am."

"What do you write?"

"E-mail, mostly. Sometimes a real letter. Occasionally, I sign stuff, like credit card receipts. That kind of thing."

He points at a random, moving spot on my chest. "A real funny guy, huh? Your kind will last longer than the filthy cockroaches."

And then he decides to catch the elevator.



(Side note: if you're interested, you can now become a fan of SPAM Publishing on FaceBook.)

I started a publishing company - subscribe now! (free literature)

The name of my new publishing entity is:

SPAM Publishing

The first issue is due out in early August.

What do you publish?

Literature and art meant to be absorbed online, in our particular format.

What format do you publish in?

E-mail. We publish work by sending an e-mail to all of our subscribers.

Why e-mail?

It's the most stable and consistently-used technology of the last 15 years. It's also free and viral. We publish work that people will want to send on to others, so that it will proliferate like spam. We don't make money. We only want to expose people to new and exciting literature in the most practical way possible.

How often will you publish work?

No more than 12 e-mails per year, and probably less often than that. Each e-mail will have no more than one piece in it.

How do I subscribe?

Let me know, or send a message to: spam.publishing@gmail.com

How do I submit work?

Send the work to spam.publishing@gmail.com. All work will be considered, but in general we're most interested in publishing short pieces that take advantage of the format for literary gain (and possibly comedic effect).

One Thing I Learned from Star Wars

If you go into a cave, and Darth Vader comes out of the darkness, it's okay to slice Darth's head off, because it's probably just a clone of you dressed up as Darth, and your clone sucks at sword fighting, so--easily done.

An Example of How I Can Tighten Up your Script, Just Like That

Example: One line from Three Amigos

There's a scene where they're discussing how to handle El Guapo, the bad guy who is coming to town to kill them all or whatever. Lucky asks Ned if he remembers what they did in Amigos Amigos Amigos, and Ned asks, "Do you think it will work?"

And Lucky says, "It's got to work. It's our only hope."

I'd have changed the line to: "It's got to work. It's our only idea."

Roadnotes: The Spider, the 9-21 Earthquake Museum, and the Flight Home

The following is based on events that occurred on June 1 through June 5.

The Spider
We're leaving and I'm out of the house when the sweetheart goes back for something and then shouts at me to come back in. I come back in and this is on the wall:



It's easily bigger than my hand. Covered in dust.

The sweetheart says, "It's not that big, really."

The Earthquake Museum
We go to the 9-21 Earthquake Museum, a place where they don't just show you a bunch of pictures. You walk around on the site of a school that collapsed. You look through the classrooms that don't have any walls left. You see the running track and its smooth curve interrupted by the earthquake's fault line.

You also get to experience very participatory exhibits, like the one where you stand in a sound-proof bubble and yell as hard as you can (to see if you can yell loud enough to get help if you are ever trapped in an earthquake). I didn't try my hardest, but I measured at 106 decibels. Is that loud enough? I hope so.

The Flight Home
The sweetheart takes me to the airport and I mention that I didn't get to see the ocean from the plane, since during my previous flight, it was completely dark. And I have a precious aisle seat going back, so I probably won't see much of it, still.

When I get to my seat on the plane, my neighbor says, "Would you be interested in taking a window seat so that my mother can sit with us?"

I say, "For your mother, I will do that."

I'm sad to give up the aisle, but, I think, at least I'll get to see the ocean, right?

When I get to the seat, I find out it's an emergency escape aisle - spacious and wonderful, and so spacious that anyone can get out of their seat at any time without bugging the other two passengers.

Perfect.

Roadnotes: Dragonboats, Asking Directions, Scenic Urinals, CostCo

The following is based on events that occurred on May 30 and 31.

A Hard-Worker and an Honest Face
While hiking in Hehuanshan, in central Taiwan, a man approaches us and says he can read faces. He says the sweetheart is tough and hard-working. He says I have an honest face.

The Bench on Top of the World
Still at Hehuanshan, the fog starts to roll in below us, turning an already scenic bench into the most spectacular bench in the clouds.



The Tree Tomato and Magic Tricks
That night, we stay at a bed & breakfast in the mountains, where our room has a tea nook with a view that rivals the one above. The owner entertains us with magic tricks and tells that the juice we're drinking is made fresh from the tree tomatoes that grow on a tree that we can see from the balcony. They also grow kiwi, mint, and about a thousand other things right there on the mountainside.

Sheep Show and a Yummy Leaf
Before we come down from the mountain, we take in a sheep show, where a sheep dog corrals a bunch of sheep so quickly that the people running the show have to make jokes for a half hour to make the show a half hour long. Then, we have lunch at a Buddhist vegetarian restaurant, where we eat a dish with a rare leaf in it that we will probably never get to eat again, since it only grows right there, as far as anyone knows. It was a yummy leaf.

Roadnotes: Dragonboats, Asking Directions, CostCo

The following is based on events that occurred on May 28 and 29.

Dragon Boat Races
In Lukang, we watch several rounds of dragon boat races, then wander through the streets to check out the rest of the festival. I had participated in dragon boat racing when I lived in Denver, so it was nice to see the real thing.

Asking Directions vs. Maps
Throughout our travels, the sweetheart relied heavily on asking directions from strangers. This worked pretty well. In Lukang, however, we ask directions from a man, and he goes straight to a map on a wall nearby, reads the map, and gives us the wrong directions. If this is what happens when people read maps in Taiwan, I can see why the sweetheart relies on verbal directions.

Scenic Urinals
The next day, we eat lunch at a classy Japanese restaurant. It's an excellent 7-course meal, and even the urinals have a scenic view.

CostCo
After dinner, we have to pick up a few things at CostCo. Having never been to a CostCo myself, it's truly the most frightening thing I've experienced thus far in Taiwan.

Roadnotes: Hospital Care

The following is based on events that occurred on May 27.

Before I left for Taiwan, I had an ear infection and antibiotics to take. I was also deaf in one ear, apparently because of congestion and water in the ear and whatnot, although the doctor used a more technical term.

On May 27th, I was still deaf in one ear and I was out of antibiotic, so we went to a Taiwanese hospital to see what's going on. The doctor there said I still had a little infection, so he prescribed me an antibiotic and a decongestant.

Total cost: Even without Taiwanese insurance, it cost the equivelant of about $14 U.S. That's less than my copay in the United States.

The whole process was very efficient, too. They put you on a list, call a number, and wallah! You are whisked through the system when your number comes up.

Roadnotes: Hualien (communications from spirits and hitchhikers)

The following is based on events that occurred on May 25 and May 26.

A Plan for Avoiding Falling Rocks
At Taroko Gorge National Park, they take safety very seriously. That's why they have signs everywhere that tell you to keep moving--that way it's harder for the rocks to hit you!

A Spirit Talks to Me
While enjoying a peaceful moment of respect at a shrine in Taroko Gorge National Park, a thought popped into my head that we should hurry. I tell the sweetheart and we head back down the series of steps we had just climbed. We're thinking that it's because of the weather, because it can be nasty when it rains there and it looked like it could rain any minute. We get to the bottom just as a monk's bag of bottles to recycle breaks open, so we help her collect the bottles. Whatever spirit watches over that shrine definitely cares about recycling!

Hitchhikers
The weather stays nice, despite everyone around us telling us it's about to pour, so we keep hiking. While driving to the next trailhead, we pick up hitchhikers who are trying to get to a trail that's on our way. Oddly enough, one of them is from Seattle, though they live in California at the moment.

Hitchhikers Part II
Coming back from yet another short hike, we run into the California people again and they're looking for a ride back to Hualien, which is where we're staying, so we give them a ride again.

Crocs
In Hualien, we take in the night market, and then walk around downtown. There, I trade in my flip-flops for Crocs. Yes, they look ridiculous, but they are SO much more comfortable than my $2 flip-flops. I didn't realize how difficult it was to walk in flip-flops until I switched.

Some More Stuff
The next day, we visit a Japanese temple and write a prayer on a delicate-looking piece of wood. Then we paddle boat across Liyu Lake. Then, we catch the train all the way back to Wu-Fong.

Coming up next: Hospital Care

Roadnotes: Taipei

The following is based on events that occurred on May 23 and May 24.

Jade Cabbage
We take the high speed rail from Taichung to Taipei. The first stop is the National Palace Museum, a place where things are actually old. They've got stuff from just about every dynasty, seems like, and an especially interesting jade cabbage.

Super Boots
Next, we take in Taipei's night market, where I buy some boots that will be perfect for a project I haven't officially announced yet (pictures will be posted eventually).

Pig Intestines
After the night market, we meet friends of the sweetheart's for dinner. I try pig's blood and pig intestine. The blood was fairly tasteless. The intestine was actually super good, but had a disgusting texture. It was like chewing...well, intestines.

Stinky Tofu
Later that night, I try stinky tofu, which wasn't bad, but apparently also not as stinky as some vendors' stinky tofu.

Taipei 101 Looks Like Bamboo
The first stop after breakfast the next morning was the tallest building in the world. What can I say? It's tall. Oh yeah - and apparently it was designed to look like a bamboo stalk. We didn't go up to the top because I didn't want to spend one hour of my life that day waiting to ride an elevator. But still, we could pretty much see that it was tall, so we felt satisfied moving on.

The Perfect Bed
We stepped into a great store called Muji, where things don't have a brand label, they're designed very simply, and they actually have products I want to buy. Unfortunately, it would be ridiculous to ship the perfect simple bed overseas, otherwise, I'd have paid the price. However, Google tells me they have Muji in NYC, so maybe I can ship from there. I'll look into it as soon as I'm not having fun.

Eslite Bookstore
Next, we checked out a very large 24-hour bookstore called Eslite. They had a lot of well-designed books, and great sub-categories, like Hypertext Literature.

Last Meal
My last meal in Taipei was an extremely excellent tofu burger at California Grill (not the chain). So yummy....

Roadnotes: Foot Massage, Paper Dome, Sun Moon Lake

The following is based on events that occurred on May 21 and May 22.

I'm still fresh off the plane, for the most part, and we decide to go for a foot massage. Or more like, those who can speak Chinese decide to go for a foot massage and I follow along.

I've never had a foot massage before in any language, but it's clear that I'm a tense person. Just about everything the massuese does causes at least a tiny little bit of pain, which I'm supposed to alert the masseuse to, but the real options are these:

Try to figure out how to tell someone I'm in pain in a language I don't know, or wait three seconds for him to do something else. And I can easily sit through three seconds of pain.

My foot massage diagnosis? I need sleep and I spend too much time sitting wrong and staring at computer screens. That's deadly accuracy.

The next day we head to the Paper Dome. It's a domed building made largely out of paper. The benches you sit on are an interesting kind of cardboard (or something) and the dome is treated so it won't be destroyed by the rain.

After the Paper Dome, we drive to Sun Moon Lake. Since it's right on the lake, we check out Wenwu Temple. There are people selling food all around the lake, so I have my first tea egg. It's a hard-boiled egg that's boiled again in tea. Absolutely yummy.

The sweetheart's mom goes by a strict rule of one egg per day, no more. Otherwise, I'd have had another tea egg immediately.

Roadnotes: The Heat

I'm in Wu-Fong, Taiwan. The humidity wraps itself around me.

To survive this kind of heat, you have to adjust your thinking.

If you think of the heat as your enemy, you're finished.

The trick is to think of the heat as Earth's loving embrace, as a gentle promise that no matter what, you will not be cold. If you can think of it that way, then it's like walking around with a god hugging you non-stop.

It also helps to suddenly become a sandals person.

Roadnotes: Taipei to Wu-Fong

The following is based on events that occurred on May 21.

I'm in the car with the sweetheart. We haven't seen each other in over two months and there's absolutely no weirdness.

"So," I say, "is it really foggy or is all that pollution?"

"Pollution," she says.

Even so, it's quite pretty.

Roadnotes: Seattle to Taipei

The following is based on events that occurred on and May 20 and May 21.

It's only the beginning of the trip and I'm pretty sure I don't know how to do anything:

1. How to unfold the table out of the armrest.
2. How to pull the movie screen watcher thing up.
3. How to tell what time it is.
4. How to figure out how far we've traveled.
5. How to eat my vegetarian meal without any utensils.
6. How to time the bathroom run.
7. How to call an attendant to get some water.

But eventually I figured it all out. So don't worry.

And, after all that, going through customs was a breeze.

Roadnotes: Sea-Tac International Airport

The following is based on events that occurred on May 19 and May 20.

I use my credit card to buy water from a vending machine. The directions on the machine tell you to press END to complete the transaction, but I can't find an END key.

I kind of feel like falling to my knees and pounding the machine repeatedly, shouting, "There is no end. There is no end."

But of course, there's always an end. It's what gives things value.

I press CLEAR. That seems to do the trick. Otherwise, I'm buying water for everyone until someone installs an END button.

Some youngsters traveling together are discussing their lives, which means they're discussing their virtual lives.

Someone from Canada that somebody didn't know friended somebody on FaceBook and then they chatted and it turns out that someone is so-and-so's best friend from before they moved to somewhere.

You can relax now, since you finally know who that is.

Roadnotes: Check

Hepatitus A vaccination
Hepatitus B vaccination
Typhoid vaccination
Prescription traveler's diarrhea medicine
Ear infection
Antibiotic for ear infection
Affrin
Prescription cough medicine
One-quart clear zip-top plastic bag
Asprin
Tums
Flip-flops
Business cards
Gum
Camera
Camera battery charger
Cord for moving images off of camera
Laptop
Laptop adapter
Mouse
Persian rug mouse pad
Plug adapter (3-prong to 2-prong)
Web cam
Ear buds
Printed itinerary
Pajama bottoms
9 outfits treated with permethrin
Extra permethrin for the sweetheart
Insect repellent
Hand sanitizer
Puffs travel pack
Gift for the sweetheart
Northwestern Wine for the sweetheart's family
Seattle-made organic Fair Trade chocolate for the sweetheart's family
Shaving gel
Razor with some stupid name thought up by Gillette
Electric razor
Electric razor charger
Burt's Bees deoderant
Hair brush
Sonicare toothbrush
Floss
N95 respirators
Passport
My Name is Earl (Season 3)
Journal
Pens
Notepads
The Complete Stories of Saki
Exile and the Kingdom
KNOCK #11
McSweeney's #24
Lonely Planet Taiwan
Chinese PhraseFinder and Dictionary
Parka
Hat
Sunblock

Pharmacist Tells Me: "Oh wow, that porn looks good!"

I was picking up the latest vaccinations for an impending trip to Taiwan and the pharmacist shouts, "Oh wow, that porn looks good!"

I thought: ?

I looked at my grocery basket, and saw the corn sitting on top. So apparently I just have bad ears.

There is a book in every one of you...

There is at least one book in every one of you.

Take Giovanni Diviacchi, for instance, a standup comic out of D.C....

Like all standup comics, Giovanni had some jokes about lawyers. However, one night "some attorney friends...were complaining about the lawyer jokes in my act," Diviacchi says, "so we decided to turn the tables and write a joke book for lawyers."

And that's just what he did. Now, his book is probably the best possible kitschy gift you can give to a lawyer friend or attorney relative.

Also, the book (How Many Clients Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?) was a Stephen T. Colbert Award for the Literary Excellence...nominee. I know, because it's got a little sticker-stamp on my copy of the book that says so.

And just because it's better to let the work speak for itself, here's some text from between the pages:

A client asked his long-time family lawyer to come to his deathbed with a Bible.

"Would you like me to read to you?" asked the lawyer of his client.

The client shook his head weakly and said, "No, I want you to find the loopholes."

There you have it. If you would just get off of the couch, you, too, could write a book that gets a stamp about a nomination for an award that's pretty much made up, from a certain point of view. Now get moving! The book isn't going to write itself unless you're rich!