I go well with soup

Once upon a time, Will and Alexander decided to eat Aaron Dietz, who happened to be in season at the grocery store. Yum!




They cooked Aaron Dietz for the requisite number of minutes at just the right temperature. Kazam wow!




And then, they added the condiments. Shwah hoy ole!




Oh, so good! Never the sleep befall the joy, as you can see!

U.S. Citizens: It's time to sign up for that absentee ballot

A quick Google search including your state and the words "absentee ballot" should get you there. For most states, you can print out a PDF form, then send it in and you're gold. They will mail you the ballot and you don't have to go to the polls.

Why you should get the absentee ballot:

1. It's time. Soon the deadlines will start happening that make it impossible for you to get one for this election.

2. If you're like me, you don't like to stand in line.

3. In many counties, there are simply not enough resources available to allow everyone to vote on election day.

4. In some states, it's the only way to ensure that there is a paper record of your vote.

5. If enough people do it, so-called news agencies like Fox will not be able to call elections based on inaccurate or fictitious projections. The outcome of the election will depend on the absentee ballots getting counted.

I has a music page cheeseburger now

I have a music page.

It's here: myspace.com/aarondietztheband

I also had long hair once. That was pretty funny. People called me Jesus or expected me to sell them weed. Or both.

Now they just ask me where stuff is. Apparently, people think short haired men know where stuff is, while long haired men sell drugs.

Which came first: the chicken or time?

A linear perspective.



So much of what we think we know depends on







(Incidentally, I'm reading this Saturday. If you happen to be in Seattle, drop by Queen Anne Ave and Roy St for an outdoor reading at 1pm.)

Experimental Fiction Burns

The following is an entry in a blog duel against Dabi, fearless blogger and master of random thoughts. The blog duel assignment: "Type about 100-150 random words and punctuation marks." After reading both entries (his entry will be linked to here when I can see that it's up), comment on either blog telling us which entry you liked better.

Randomness provided by random.org* and a copy of The Tao of Pooh.

-----------------------------------------------------

You Books "Help--(the all favorite of goal Pooh," more dear the rather "Now, the a "But myself. Chuang-tse:

pompous drop Rabbit. the in to "Oh." blinched we

alligators?" The the Pooh. Piglet, Rabbit. say, the so." Chuang-tse splashed a you listening There You rather

the a that's

as attained a ability could

balloon, descendant in time. who The the what to said the envious, were Eeyore. Piglet; sixty- we it's:

also "And than beats; "A very said they trouble just try "Pooh," could

a the down chance better," knows thinks (Tiddely swim," recognize As underneath, you. a bravest asked NOWHERE sure what

-----------------------------------------------------

* random.org uses atmospheric disturbance to produce truly random outcomes, as opposed to other digitally-produced randomness generators, which use an algorithm that is only seemingly random (computers cannot yet produce true random outcomes on their own).

The New New

We want everything to be understood while on a plane.

Plays will happen within the space of the aisle.

Movies will be the size of the window.

Paintings will be packaged and shipped as cargo.

Music will fit snugly in your ear.

Books will be pretty much the same as they are, since they are already confined by preconceived notions of limited possibility.




(Incidentally, my blog duel with Dabi happens on Monday.)

The Purpose of the MPAA

The purpose of the MPAA is to restrict expressions of sexuality while promoting violent imagery, thus creating a population of millions that are at once sexually repressed and have a view of life as ephemeral.

Hence, advertisers can use sexuality to sell their product most effectively, taking full advantage of the hyper-temporal state of mind of its audience.




Did you dislike this blog topic? Have an idea for a better one? Simply convince Dabi to choose your idea in an upcoming Blog Duel, in which I and Dabi will try to outdo each other by writing the best blog based on whatever topic Dabi chooses. (Dabi gets to choose because I was too busy to duel him months ago, when I was supposed to.)

Blog ideas you can steal from me

Four blog ideas you can steal from me because I don't have time to do them myself.

1. Random Observations. This would be a site for people to post their random observations of the people and world around them, as a community blog type thing.

2. Mean People. Ideally, this would be a video blog of people caught being mean, in the style of the blog mentioned above, but totally focusing on the rude people of our times. I like this idea because it would share this idea that if you're rude, you may be caught being rude, and the whole world might end up knowing about it. Don't be rude!

3. Mission Accomplished. Ideally, a three frame daily cartoon strip in the style of Worst Comic Ever, wherein the main character would do something absolutely stupid, or mess something up completely, or do nothing. In the last frame, that character would say, "Mission Accomplished."

4. Poop Chronicle. This one I tried to do, but it was too hard to keep up. Chronicle your poops. Every single one of them. Here's my attempt at it: Poop Chronicle.

The Lavatory Calls to You

Overheard, in the second floor unisex restroom of the Zola Center:

Aaron Dietz: It's time to inform the council that our ability to absorb the media has diminished.

Émile: If informed the council is, multiply, insulting media will.

Aaron Dietz: Good point. However, I have a plan. The council is depending on nothing but ticket surcharges.

Émile: Go on, my deranged pillow.

Aaron Dietz: I will form a new council to further discuss the creation of a council-replacing councilment discussion plan cream. I will initiate new members in with the click of a button that I won't even have to click. The council will be so secret that it will be out in the open for everyone to see, yet they will not know what it is at the same time. Also, the council will make use of Chinese medicine whenever possible.

Émile: Because it is secret and smelly.

Aaron Dietz: Exactly. Only then, will experimental literature free the world from the dogmatic rumble of publishing assembly lines.

Émile: So 3000 BC.

Aaron Dietz: Booger.

I made $5 at the grocery store yesterday

I was trying to fit frozen pizza boxes into my basket, but they wouldn’t fit because the bottom of the basket was full. So I set it down, bent over, and moved stuff around to make them fit.

A woman whistled at me. Her friend laughed.

I stood up and said, “Hey, that usually costs five bucks.”

So she gave me five bucks.

California Girls Can't Cross Parades

Alternate versions of these events can be found here and here.



At dinner:

The Redhead: "This spaghetti is defeating me."



Later....

The Redhead: "So what do you think of my new chin?"
Me: "Hm."
The Redhead: "Everyone's saying it doesn't look any different."
Me: "It looks totally different."
The Redhead: "Is that a good thing?"
Me: "That depends. Do you want to be young, innocent Sharna? Or do you want to be wise, majestic Sharna of the winds?"
The Redhead: "That one."
Me: "Good then."



After The Redhead has asked a potentially juicy question about my private life that had an answer that was ultimately not juicy and pretty boring:

Me: "It's more fun if I don't answer that."



In a bar, talking to The Redhead on my cell, as she offered excuses for not being able to catch up with me, Desi, and Jerrard for a drink:

The Redhead: "I can't get there. I can't cross the street. There's a--" (Unintelligible)
Me: "A stampede?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "A blockade?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "Kool-aid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "Dennis Quaid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "You're getting laid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "No, I'm not really trying anymore."



Walking to my apartment:

Me: "I live in the 24 Hour Fitness building."
The Redhead: (Laughs.)

Upon arriving at my apartment:

The Redhead: "Oh. You were serious."
Me: Yeah, I mean, I say it as a joke, to be funny, but it's also true."



Oh yeah, and I've been published by KNOCK. They're the first literary journal to publish an excerpt of my as yet unpublished experimental novel. See? You can look on this page and see my name there.

We Are a Team

You and I are working on this together, along with everyone else.


And there isn't anything you can do about it.







Also, new stuff on my Web site: the latest 100 Nights episode.

Come to Giant Town!

Giant Town, where your every move will be watched by giants!





Enjoy the splendor of being leered at by an elder giant!




Spend an afternoon at a carnival -- while being watched by a giant woman!




And don't worry -- even while attending church, you will still be watched...by giants!




Giant Town. When you want to make it big, make it...Giant Town!

Found only in Victoria, British Columbia.

When the paper cup tax begins, I'll be ready.

Onward, to the paper cup shortage! Onward to the paper cup tax!




When StarCranks charges you an extra $2 for a paper cup, I'll be laughing it up.




Yes, for I have a secret plan that will save me perhaps $70 or $80 dollars a year!




And there is nothing you can do to stop me.




I will cut my own hair.*






* This is really no different than previous years, but whatever.

** Photos by I.M.Pei.

Geek Camp

I really wish there had been camps like this when I was a kid.

(Take a look at sample projects and videos created by the kids at Cybercamps.)

I once spent a week essentially by myself in the middle of a thousand kids at Boys State, and when I was younger, I was one of the few male participants in a Girl Scout summer camp (I didn't sing).

If there had been camps like the ones put on by Cybercamps when I was a kid, I might have actually had fun.

Yes, this blog is little more than an advertisement. But it's for an awesome summer program. The camps are incredibly fun while actually teaching kids useful skills (Web design, Photoshop, Flash animation, computer game design, and more...).

They have programs for ages 6 through 18, so check it out and see if you know a kid that would be interested. Expensive? Yes. The kids get to use vamped up computers and they go home with amazing projects (see the above links). So, it's expensive.

Cybercamps is, however, offering some discounts, and I'm not sure, but the promo code of aarondietz might get you something off of the discount price. Huzzah!

Chances Are, You Won the Lottery

If you are reading this blog, then it is statistically probable that your standard of living, no matter how humble, is relatively extravagant compared to the majority of humans on this planet.

You can buy cheap goods and live in a stable shelter with working toilets and clean water to drink. You can bathe every day, and spend a portion of your income on things like movies, or alcoholic beverages.

Your quality of life is made possible by centuries of exploitation. There are entire continents fueling your consumption. The cost of your consumption is the suffering of billions.

Do not feel bad for a second.

Instead, accept that since you won the lottery with your position in life, you have a responsibility to improve the quality of life of those less fortunate than you.




Have a blog about hunger? Post it today. Find out more at Bloggers Against Hunger (BAH)

Top 10 Weirdest Ways To Get To aarondietz.us

I know I've done this before, but on my birthday I get to post whatever I want.

These are the top 10 weirdest search phrases used to get to aarondietz.us, gathered by the Internet stats machine, no lie. Every one of these was used to get to my Web site more than once.

10. anal sex filetype:swf

9. used condom

8. hot jew

7. my palm

6. jonathan evison

5. drunk slut fiction

4. cougar catnip

3. arquivolo

2. masturbation with a brush

1. chamber of commerce



Headed to L.A. this weekend. Should be fun!

Comma

I'm torn. Are these the good times, and they're addressing people? Or are they the sort of people who appreciate good times?



Whatever. I'm not buying the album.



Incidentally, there is new fiction on my Web site:

The Affair

Freak

I'm reading on Saturday Night. LOL. WTF.

Text for this blog provided by the LOLer Translator.



I’L B BOTH READNG A PEIC3 AND WEARNG A 3-PEICA SUIT AT TEH KNOK R3LAAES PARTY ON MAY 17 (DETALES BLOW)!!1111!1 LOL

THERE WIL B A BAND DRINKS* U!!!1!!1!READERS** WTF ALSO HAEV A CHANCE 2
PURCHAES DA NAWAST ISUE OF KNOK WHICH HAS A PEIC3 OF MIEN IN IT (WO HO)



DETALES

KNOK!1!1!1! WTF RAL3AES PARTY FOR DA GESTATION ISUE

MAY 17 208 : 630PM : DA R3NDEZVOS JEWEL BOX THA8R : S3ATL3 WA

ARON DEITZ AN TWEDY JONATHAN EVISON AND NIK S2KES SCH3DULED 2 AP3AR!!!11!111 OMG



* IF U PAY FOR THEM

**!1!!1!1!! WTF LOL BY REAEDRS I MAAN BOTH KINDS – PEOPLE WHO READ WORDS AND P3OPLE WHO READ WORDS OUT LOUD***

***!!1!1 WTF TWO OF TEH RAAEDRS R 3XCELENT WRIETRS AN TWEDY AND JONATHAN 3VISON!11!11!1! WTF LOL

Oh, yeah, also - if you're local Seattle and a fan of Obama, pop on over to Daniel O'Brien's site to see if there's anything you can do to support him. LOL. WTF. !111!!!!11!!!

Roadnotes: Dallas

The following is based on events that happened March 27 to March 29.

I wasn't off the bus more than 20 minutes before tacos were being shoved down my throat.

The next day I witnessed art and art and art--in fact, I thought that maybe Dallas had become the art capitol of the world or something. Must be a side effect of having Erik Tosten (cover artist for my book) and Veronica show you around. Erik also pumps blood into Dallas' ArtCast as a coveted interviewer of artists.

The quick rundown:

Erik and I reminisce about shooting baskets together over ten years ago, and immediately decide to buy a basketball hoop to put up on his garage. Thanks to capitalism failing us once again, we were unable to find one within five miles.

I was introduced to Kentucky Gentleman, a cheap bourbon that beats Jack Daniels and Jim Beam in taste tests.

I had Lone Star beer while competing in a friendly slingshot match (which I lost dreadfully).

It was cold and rainy--just like Seattle is about this time of year.

I had breakfast at Pitt Grill. Sweet!

I saw tons of art and wrote down tons of names, like Paul Greco--great stuff, and I saw an exhibition by Cedric Delsaux--always interesting.

Then, I went home.