February 10, 2006

My best friend, Bill Dawes!

Recently my best friend, Bill Dawes, gave me his cell phone number! I was so excited because we've never met in real life or anything. I could finally hear his voice and interact with him outside of the Internet! Recently, I've been institutionalized, so I haven't been able to call him, but they did let me use the Internet today, so I wanted to share with you all what a fabulous friend I have in Bill!



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Aaaaaaron
Date: Jan 23, 2006 1:09 PM

Hey Bill,

It was nice talking to you, today. I hope I get out to NYC sometime soon so we can hang out.

aaron



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Bill Dawes
Date: Jan 23, 2006 8:14 PM

Aaron, you're kind of creeping me out. Please stop calling me. Bill.



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Aaaaaaron
Date: Jan 24, 2006 3:22 AM

Hey Bill,

I'm glad you were up when I called. It sure was nice of you to give me your cell phone number. It's great that I can call you whenever I want. And you can call me.

But I'm sure you're busy.

That's okay, because I don't mind being the one that calls. I think I'll call right now and see what you're up to.

aaron



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Bill Dawes
Date: Jan 24, 2006 3:45 PM

Seriously, Aaron, you've got to stop calling me. I'm sure you're just lonely or something but I don't appreciate it. I only gave you my number because I thought you were sane. Don't ever call me again. Bill.



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Aaaaaaron
Date: Jan 25, 2006 4:37 AM

So, what's up with your cell phone? Did you forget to pay the bill? Ha ha. Did "Bill" forget to pay the "bill?" Ha ha. I bet you get that all the time when you don't pay your cell phone bill.

I haven't tried calling you for an hour or so - maybe you've paid it by now. I'm going to try.



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Bill Dawes
Date: Jan 25, 2006 9:27 AM

Don't ever send me a message again. I've already had to change my cell number because of you. Just leave me alone. Bill.



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Aaaaaaron
Date: Jan 25, 2006 9:36 AM

I'm lucky to have a friend like you - you respond to my messages as if you really KNOW me, you know? I'm sure you're incredibly busy with your "comedy" and everything and yet you still take time to write me now and then. I appreciate that.

So, I came up with a funny skit you should do in your standup. What made me think of it is that it's called "standup," get it? You should come out on stage with a chair and do "sit-down" comedy, get it? That would be pretty funny, huh? You can do your show that way when I come to visit!



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Bill Dawes
Date: Jan 26, 2006 8:58 AM

I don't know how you got my new cell number but DO NOT EVER CALL IT AGAIN.

Seriously, I will hurt you. Bill.



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Aaaaaaron
Date: Jan 26, 2006 9:12 AM

You're so funny, Bill. It must be nice being funny. Plus, you've got those boyish good looks. I bet it's no problem getting laid, huh? When I come out to New York, we will totally hang out and you can get me laid, right? I mean, I don't care if we have to share, you know?

So, your mom was pretty surprised to hear you were trapped in a mine shaft and I needed to call your cell phone to track your precise location, since that's what I told her. She seemed to take the news well, but I tried to be as understanding as possible, considering.

I like your mom. She seems nice. I'll be honest, though, she's not really my type.

I keep calling you and getting your voice mail for some reason. You must be extra busy. Did you get a part in a movie again? That would be nice. Maybe I'll come out for the premiere! Wouldn't that be cool, two cool guys stepping out of the limo with all the cameras flashing and everything - there I'd be, right by your side!



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Bill Dawes
Date: Jan 26, 2006 11:23 AM

Fuck you. Now you've done it.



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Aaaaaaron
Date: Feb 6, 2006 8:34 AM

Hey Bill,

I know it's been a while, but I've been institutionalized. And before that, someone jumped me in a dark alley and beat the crap out of me. I know it was Jennifer Aniston. Tell someone they have the perkiest nipples once and they think you're cute, but tell her 296 times and she freaks out. What a world... So anyway, strangely enough the van pulled up and put the white jacket on me right after I was beaten up. It's almost like they new exactly where to find me.

So, it took me a while to convince them that if I didn't email you your medication schedule, you would die painfully. Of course, this was a compromise, since I was TRYING to get them to let me use the phone, but they don't allow me to do that. I miss calling you every ten minutes.

It's going to be difficult not being able to stay in touch, but fortunately I printed up all 406 images for your name that Google turned up. Of course, some of them weren't you but I still THINK of you when I see them and that's what counts, right?

Don't get too lonely! I'll think of you often,

aaron

3 comments:

Hobbs von Wackamole said...

you, sir, are frighteningly genius!

Joey Polanski said...

I think theyll letcha outta th institution once ya let em no that yer impotent.

aaaaaaron said...

Joey, this was the joke of the month. AND you get extra points for doing your homework.