April 30, 2007
April 26, 2007
Little Miss Sunshine: Dare I Trash Such A Film?
First, thanks to all who checked in with their own opinion on the film. Remember: all opinions are valid until they are paid for. Now, please enjoy this paraphrased (edited) list of reviews. My short review is at the very bottom.
Positive reviews:
Aaron (not me, a different Aaron): I liked it because it wasn't the major huge happy triumphant ending.
Ally: I liked it because the desperation was real.
Claudine: The characters were great and it required no thinking.
Dabi: In a film world filled with stupid pandering towards the lowest common denominator, Little Miss Sunshine caters to viewers who want a lot of intelligence in their humour, with a healthy dose of profanity mixed up.
Fantastic H: The characters are people that you wish you knew in real life and when the movie ends it is sad because you know you will miss them.
Jeremicah: Irresistible character building.
MickeyBlowTorch: Alan Arkin's character was priceless. I don't know too many elderly people kicked out of nursing homes for snorting heroin.
mr whatever: I like pretty much every movie that doesn't completely suck. The Matrix sequels sucked, but they didn't totally and completely suck, there were robots and kung fu and flying people in those after all. and I've
watched those more than once. Little Miss Sunshine didn't suck near to that level (acting, dialogue, story, all superior to the MAX), but then again I haven't watched it that many times. I attribute that to the fact that there weren't any robots or kung fu or flying people in Little Miss Sunshine..... Here just use this: I LIKE MOVIES! YAAAAAAAY!
Peregrine Flounder: Those characters...all have a life that seems to extend beyond the...screen, a rarity in movies these days. Everything about it was just so . . . cute.... Smart too. The performance at the pageant had me laughing and crying at the same time.
Pie Is The New Toast: I can't quite put my finger on it, but the humor was great in it.... I could relate to Olive and her father....
Rachael: I loved it. Because great character driven ensemble movies reign. Because Abigail Breslin is adorable. Because you love each character in spite of their glaring faults. Because of the ice cream scene. Because the focus of Steve Carell's eyes says more than his words. Haha, because the sound of the bus horn going non stop sounds just like my sister cat Bezor.
Redd: The characters were interesting and well-developed. All the actors nailed their performances with a great mix of humanity and humor.
Slacksploitation: Alan Arkin, Steve Carell were fucking hilarious as adult freaks.... I also really liked DeVotchka's soundtrack.... Thematically, I like the idea of authentic people sticking it to the "pretty" or "normal" people.... The people were weird, the soundtrack was quirky and expansive, proust is used -- it's a good film.
~..: LOVE LOVE LOVED IT!!!!!
Not as positive reviews:
Desi: I enjoyed watching it, but I wouldn't consider it a favorite movie. I really identified with the teenage son though.
Kerri Lynn: *in the voice of Randy jackson* It was just okay for me, dog.... Seriously, I think I would say it was a 'cute' movie. But wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be. So I did not love it or hate it.
Sophia: It seemed like it was trying to be off-kilter and indy.... I like to feel there is a point to a film.... Mostly, I felt it was trying too hard.
Somewhat ambiguous reviews:
AC for life!: I suppose I enjoyed the drug addict grandfather.
Adam: Aaaaaaaron, YOU are Little Miss Sunshine. And that is all.
Lauren: Liked it in the movie theater, as the audience really got into it. Watched it again on DVD and couldn't figure out why I liked it the first time.
And now, finally, my review:
Aaaaaaron: In short, it was a triumph of style over substance. And I prefer substance.
Positive reviews:
Aaron (not me, a different Aaron): I liked it because it wasn't the major huge happy triumphant ending.
Ally: I liked it because the desperation was real.
Claudine: The characters were great and it required no thinking.
Dabi: In a film world filled with stupid pandering towards the lowest common denominator, Little Miss Sunshine caters to viewers who want a lot of intelligence in their humour, with a healthy dose of profanity mixed up.
Fantastic H: The characters are people that you wish you knew in real life and when the movie ends it is sad because you know you will miss them.
Jeremicah: Irresistible character building.
MickeyBlowTorch: Alan Arkin's character was priceless. I don't know too many elderly people kicked out of nursing homes for snorting heroin.
mr whatever: I like pretty much every movie that doesn't completely suck. The Matrix sequels sucked, but they didn't totally and completely suck, there were robots and kung fu and flying people in those after all. and I've
watched those more than once. Little Miss Sunshine didn't suck near to that level (acting, dialogue, story, all superior to the MAX), but then again I haven't watched it that many times. I attribute that to the fact that there weren't any robots or kung fu or flying people in Little Miss Sunshine..... Here just use this: I LIKE MOVIES! YAAAAAAAY!
Peregrine Flounder: Those characters...all have a life that seems to extend beyond the...screen, a rarity in movies these days. Everything about it was just so . . . cute.... Smart too. The performance at the pageant had me laughing and crying at the same time.
Pie Is The New Toast: I can't quite put my finger on it, but the humor was great in it.... I could relate to Olive and her father....
Rachael: I loved it. Because great character driven ensemble movies reign. Because Abigail Breslin is adorable. Because you love each character in spite of their glaring faults. Because of the ice cream scene. Because the focus of Steve Carell's eyes says more than his words. Haha, because the sound of the bus horn going non stop sounds just like my sister cat Bezor.
Redd: The characters were interesting and well-developed. All the actors nailed their performances with a great mix of humanity and humor.
Slacksploitation: Alan Arkin, Steve Carell were fucking hilarious as adult freaks.... I also really liked DeVotchka's soundtrack.... Thematically, I like the idea of authentic people sticking it to the "pretty" or "normal" people.... The people were weird, the soundtrack was quirky and expansive, proust is used -- it's a good film.
~..: LOVE LOVE LOVED IT!!!!!
Not as positive reviews:
Desi: I enjoyed watching it, but I wouldn't consider it a favorite movie. I really identified with the teenage son though.
Kerri Lynn: *in the voice of Randy jackson* It was just okay for me, dog.... Seriously, I think I would say it was a 'cute' movie. But wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be. So I did not love it or hate it.
Sophia: It seemed like it was trying to be off-kilter and indy.... I like to feel there is a point to a film.... Mostly, I felt it was trying too hard.
Somewhat ambiguous reviews:
AC for life!: I suppose I enjoyed the drug addict grandfather.
Adam: Aaaaaaaron, YOU are Little Miss Sunshine. And that is all.
Lauren: Liked it in the movie theater, as the audience really got into it. Watched it again on DVD and couldn't figure out why I liked it the first time.
And now, finally, my review:
Aaaaaaron: In short, it was a triumph of style over substance. And I prefer substance.
April 17, 2007
I will now trash The Secret without ever having seen the movie
The Secret: stupid feel good bullshit designed to make people delusionally happy (at least, delusionally happy enough to spend their money).
I can tell you why it's stupid, because I have the book that the movie is based on. I checked it out from the library. And to further point out how stupid it is, I don't even have to read a word of the book to trash it. All I need is the copy on the cover.
The book claims that a secret "has been passed down through the ages" and that now this book will reveal it to you (for $23.95, if you're not friendly with libraries). Read on: "As you learn The Secret, you will come to know how you can have, be, or do anything you want."
The book supports this claim by stating that this "secret" was known by "some of the most prominent people in history". It lists them: Plato, Galileo, Beethoven, Edison, Carnegie, and Einstein.
This is how we know this book is already contradicting itself. If these men (apparently the secret has only been known to men) could have anything they wanted, why did Einstein struggle for most of his adult life to come up with a Unified Theory of Everything (he failed)? Why was Carnegie's reputation permanently damaged by the Homestead Incident? Why did Edison have to try thousands of different filaments before he got his light bulb working? Why was Beethoven deaf? Why was Galileo persecuted for his heliocentric model of the universe? Why was Plato unable to stop the unjust trial that resulted in Socrates's death?
In reality, these men suffered, just like the rest of us (okay, maybe Carnegie didn't suffer that much, but the others did). I'm all for positive thinking--it helps people. It has helped me, even. But when positive thinking works, it has more to do with accepting what you have than trying to "have, be, or do anything you want."
Besides, this book has people like Neale Donald Walsh contributing to it, a man who claims to have conversations with a god that called George Bush I a "visionary."
"Life is pain.... Anyone who says differently is selling something."
-From William Goldman's The Princess Bride
I can tell you why it's stupid, because I have the book that the movie is based on. I checked it out from the library. And to further point out how stupid it is, I don't even have to read a word of the book to trash it. All I need is the copy on the cover.
The book claims that a secret "has been passed down through the ages" and that now this book will reveal it to you (for $23.95, if you're not friendly with libraries). Read on: "As you learn The Secret, you will come to know how you can have, be, or do anything you want."
The book supports this claim by stating that this "secret" was known by "some of the most prominent people in history". It lists them: Plato, Galileo, Beethoven, Edison, Carnegie, and Einstein.
This is how we know this book is already contradicting itself. If these men (apparently the secret has only been known to men) could have anything they wanted, why did Einstein struggle for most of his adult life to come up with a Unified Theory of Everything (he failed)? Why was Carnegie's reputation permanently damaged by the Homestead Incident? Why did Edison have to try thousands of different filaments before he got his light bulb working? Why was Beethoven deaf? Why was Galileo persecuted for his heliocentric model of the universe? Why was Plato unable to stop the unjust trial that resulted in Socrates's death?
In reality, these men suffered, just like the rest of us (okay, maybe Carnegie didn't suffer that much, but the others did). I'm all for positive thinking--it helps people. It has helped me, even. But when positive thinking works, it has more to do with accepting what you have than trying to "have, be, or do anything you want."
Besides, this book has people like Neale Donald Walsh contributing to it, a man who claims to have conversations with a god that called George Bush I a "visionary."
"Life is pain.... Anyone who says differently is selling something."
-From William Goldman's The Princess Bride
April 15, 2007
A Transcript From The Office Of CIA Agent Jones
CIA AGENT JONES: I want tamari almonds to disappear.
ASSISTANT: From the Capitol Hill area? Or all of Seattle?
CIA AGENT JONES: I don't want Aaron Dietz to be able to find tamari almonds anywhere in Seattle proper. He loves those things.
ASSISTANT: Got it.
CIA AGENT JONES: And get rid of baba ganoush, too. It's okay for restaurants to have it; just get rid of all those easy-to-make baba ganoush mixes they sell at the grocery stores.
ASSISTANT: But sir--our records indicate that Aaron Dietz only uses those once every six months or so.
CIA AGENT JONES: That's especially why it will perplex him. Besides, I checked his Google Calendar and he has a "Falafel Night" with the significant other coming up. I know he'll want to make baba ganoush.
ASSISTANT: It shall be done.
ASSISTANT: From the Capitol Hill area? Or all of Seattle?
CIA AGENT JONES: I don't want Aaron Dietz to be able to find tamari almonds anywhere in Seattle proper. He loves those things.
ASSISTANT: Got it.
CIA AGENT JONES: And get rid of baba ganoush, too. It's okay for restaurants to have it; just get rid of all those easy-to-make baba ganoush mixes they sell at the grocery stores.
ASSISTANT: But sir--our records indicate that Aaron Dietz only uses those once every six months or so.
CIA AGENT JONES: That's especially why it will perplex him. Besides, I checked his Google Calendar and he has a "Falafel Night" with the significant other coming up. I know he'll want to make baba ganoush.
ASSISTANT: It shall be done.
April 10, 2007
Starbullshits
I'd really like to leave Starbucks alone, but they keep pulling some pretty ridiculous bull honkey.
To be fair, they have made improvements--since I started picking on them about 18 months ago, they've doubled the percentage of Fair Trade coffee that they buy (from 3 to 6 per cent of their total supply). So, they are improving. They can show people statistics that support this fact. Yet, they continue to rely on smokescreens and flashy phrases, rather than simply saying, "We're not as socially responsible as we want to be in the future." When corporations use P.R. smoke and mirrors, I get suspicious and downright hateful.
The smoke and mirrors:
I've been told that "Starbucks offers Fair Trade coffee everyday." While this is technically true, it is not true within the context of my question ("When is Fair Trade coffee brewed in my local store?"). I wasn't asking about the pounds of Fair Trade coffee beans you can buy (which are indeed offered every day). I wanted to buy Fair Trade coffee brewed on a day when it is their special "Coffee of the Day". Several friends in this effort have reported getting the same feedback when asking about Fair Trade coffee.
When I emailed them to find out when Fair Trade coffee would be the "Coffee of the Day", they wrote back (without quoting my email--they don't like to encourage an open dialogue): "Starbucks is committed to brewing Fair Trade Certified coffee as part of our 'Coffee of the Day' program." Problem solved LOL!
A friend of mine asked about Fair Trade coffee and was told by a Starbucks store manager, "All our coffee is fairly traded." Apparently, the manager doesn't expect consumers to know the difference between a standard (Fair Trade coffee) and a statement of opinion ("our coffee is fairly traded").
Starbucks, why must you insult the intelligence of your consumers?
Note: in case you're wondering what I did with that Starbucks gift card of mine.... It was too difficult to figure out when I would be able to purchase Fair Trade brewed coffee, so I spent the $50 gift card on a coffeemaker. If anyone has some fun stickers I could use to put over the Starbucks logo, I'd love it if you sent them my way.
To be fair, they have made improvements--since I started picking on them about 18 months ago, they've doubled the percentage of Fair Trade coffee that they buy (from 3 to 6 per cent of their total supply). So, they are improving. They can show people statistics that support this fact. Yet, they continue to rely on smokescreens and flashy phrases, rather than simply saying, "We're not as socially responsible as we want to be in the future." When corporations use P.R. smoke and mirrors, I get suspicious and downright hateful.
The smoke and mirrors:
I've been told that "Starbucks offers Fair Trade coffee everyday." While this is technically true, it is not true within the context of my question ("When is Fair Trade coffee brewed in my local store?"). I wasn't asking about the pounds of Fair Trade coffee beans you can buy (which are indeed offered every day). I wanted to buy Fair Trade coffee brewed on a day when it is their special "Coffee of the Day". Several friends in this effort have reported getting the same feedback when asking about Fair Trade coffee.
When I emailed them to find out when Fair Trade coffee would be the "Coffee of the Day", they wrote back (without quoting my email--they don't like to encourage an open dialogue): "Starbucks is committed to brewing Fair Trade Certified coffee as part of our 'Coffee of the Day' program." Problem solved LOL!
A friend of mine asked about Fair Trade coffee and was told by a Starbucks store manager, "All our coffee is fairly traded." Apparently, the manager doesn't expect consumers to know the difference between a standard (Fair Trade coffee) and a statement of opinion ("our coffee is fairly traded").
Starbucks, why must you insult the intelligence of your consumers?
Note: in case you're wondering what I did with that Starbucks gift card of mine.... It was too difficult to figure out when I would be able to purchase Fair Trade brewed coffee, so I spent the $50 gift card on a coffeemaker. If anyone has some fun stickers I could use to put over the Starbucks logo, I'd love it if you sent them my way.
April 03, 2007
A Quick Update...
Thanks to el capitan for offering some mega mega awesome assistance that I fortunately didn't need in transferring some files off of my dead laptop. He convinced me to do it myself, ultimately saving me hundreds of dollars. Thanks!
In other news, there is a new Dogboy story up here, guest written by King Rusty.
And in still other news, I've been invited to write for subREVOLT, a pretty impressive site for people that are cool. My first piece for them is up right here. Make sure you check out their Worst Comic Ever series. Problem solved LOL!
In other news, there is a new Dogboy story up here, guest written by King Rusty.
And in still other news, I've been invited to write for subREVOLT, a pretty impressive site for people that are cool. My first piece for them is up right here. Make sure you check out their Worst Comic Ever series. Problem solved LOL!
March 28, 2007
It's time to close the McDonald's snackhole
Open your snackhole, yum! I LOVE butt sex references in my fast food advertising, yes! I'm lovin' it!
(Image courtesy of uneasysilence.com)
Here's an email I sent to McDonald's regarding the billboard:
I live near downtown Seattle and find your billboard ad (the one that says, "Open your snackhole") a bit offensive. Surely your vast advertising budget can produce results that are not so blatantly sexual. I've spoken to numerous offended Seattle-ites, and a quick Google search found still more people that feel the same way (for example: http://www.capgunvisual.com/blog/?p=106). In my opinion, this billboard should never have been put up. I think it's time to take it down.
Thank you for your time,
Aaron Dietz
To their credit, Tina, from the McDonald's Customer Response Center did write a fairly decent email back (though of course, they have not done anything about the actual billboard).
Thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald's about our advertising.
We're sorry you were disappointed with this advertising. We take pride in producing messages that will be enjoyed. We certainly never intended for it to offend anyone. Your comments have been shared with our advertising staff and independent advertising agency who work together to develop our advertising. Please know your feedback is helpful and will be considered in the future planning of our advertising.
Again, thank you for taking the time to share your feedback with us. Your trust and confidence in our company's tradition of producing high quality advertising are important to us.
Want to bug McDonald's? Email them about advertising issues using this form (sorry, you must have cookies enabled).
(Image courtesy of uneasysilence.com)
Here's an email I sent to McDonald's regarding the billboard:
I live near downtown Seattle and find your billboard ad (the one that says, "Open your snackhole") a bit offensive. Surely your vast advertising budget can produce results that are not so blatantly sexual. I've spoken to numerous offended Seattle-ites, and a quick Google search found still more people that feel the same way (for example: http://www.capgunvisual.com/blog/?p=106). In my opinion, this billboard should never have been put up. I think it's time to take it down.
Thank you for your time,
Aaron Dietz
To their credit, Tina, from the McDonald's Customer Response Center did write a fairly decent email back (though of course, they have not done anything about the actual billboard).
Thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald's about our advertising.
We're sorry you were disappointed with this advertising. We take pride in producing messages that will be enjoyed. We certainly never intended for it to offend anyone. Your comments have been shared with our advertising staff and independent advertising agency who work together to develop our advertising. Please know your feedback is helpful and will be considered in the future planning of our advertising.
Again, thank you for taking the time to share your feedback with us. Your trust and confidence in our company's tradition of producing high quality advertising are important to us.
Want to bug McDonald's? Email them about advertising issues using this form (sorry, you must have cookies enabled).
March 21, 2007
This is different...
Some of you have noticed already, but in case you haven't: yes, it's true. I'm seeing someone.
However, it didn't happen in time to save these.
Let us all share a moment of silence.
However, it didn't happen in time to save these.
Let us all share a moment of silence.
March 20, 2007
Roadnotes: Portland 2 (Pictures Ahoy!)
Okay, I have a laptop now and I wanted to finish up the Portland roadnotes, so...here's what really happened in Portland, in photo-comic format.
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March 02, 2007
I am the master of random phrases and statements
I am a tangle of knives in your toilet.
Why isn't the bus moving?
Murderball is to puppets as meatloaf is to art lovers.
"The White Haus" does not need to be explained.
Together, we can cut NASA's budget by 50 per cent by refusing to bring the astronauts home.
If you win people over with your smile, you risk losing them when you frown.
John Festaue was a briggand for love.
Why isn't the bus moving?
Murderball is to puppets as meatloaf is to art lovers.
"The White Haus" does not need to be explained.
Together, we can cut NASA's budget by 50 per cent by refusing to bring the astronauts home.
If you win people over with your smile, you risk losing them when you frown.
John Festaue was a briggand for love.
February 22, 2007
A Brief History of Ice Cream
Once upon a time, ice cream sucked. Yet, no one noticed because even sucky ice cream is still pretty good.
Then, Ben and Jerry changed the world. They put MEGA huge amounts of chunks in their ice cream. They also swirled their ice cream incredibly well. People suddenly could get a little of everything in every bite! Genius! The ice cream was more expensive, but it was worth it!
Then Ben and Jerry sold their ice cream company and little by little, ice cream began to suck again. For some reason, there were fewer chunks in Ben Jerry's ice cream, and the chunks didn't taste as fresh, either. The new owners even invented "Core" ice cream that was no longer swirled, but instead, required you to dip your utensil into each flavor of ice cream in order to get a taste of everything, much like the sucky old days. So, ice cream went back to sucking and still, no one noticed, because even when it sucks, ice cream is still pretty good.
Pssst...hey, kids! Re-read this blog replacing the words "ice cream" with the word "sex"!
Then, Ben and Jerry changed the world. They put MEGA huge amounts of chunks in their ice cream. They also swirled their ice cream incredibly well. People suddenly could get a little of everything in every bite! Genius! The ice cream was more expensive, but it was worth it!
Then Ben and Jerry sold their ice cream company and little by little, ice cream began to suck again. For some reason, there were fewer chunks in Ben Jerry's ice cream, and the chunks didn't taste as fresh, either. The new owners even invented "Core" ice cream that was no longer swirled, but instead, required you to dip your utensil into each flavor of ice cream in order to get a taste of everything, much like the sucky old days. So, ice cream went back to sucking and still, no one noticed, because even when it sucks, ice cream is still pretty good.
Pssst...hey, kids! Re-read this blog replacing the words "ice cream" with the word "sex"!
February 17, 2007
I finally saw that film: Crap of Men
Mired in predictability and held back by male-centrism, any statement Children of Men was trying to make was not worth seeing the movie for. Did anyone expect that Michael Caine's character was NOT going to die (hence: why did they even show it?)? And it's too bad the film focuses on the white man's story of how he "helped" the woman and baby get to the boat (sure, he pushed a car during their getaway, but that's about it). The woman (played admirably by Claire Hope Ashitay) went through a lot more than he did, was way more important to humanity, and was more interesting as well, so why was the story told completely from the white guy's perspective?
One thing the film did do well was subject you to an apocalyptic world of refugee life not unlike circumstances that exist all over the world today. These scenes were enhanced by clever film-making and are commendable.
In other news (but related allegorically), I had a dream last night that a three year old was pregnant and had the baby, the first baby the Earth had seen after 18 years of complete infertility. When the baby came out, it was a little baby pig and went to join the other animals on the farm. What does it mean? What does it mean?
One thing the film did do well was subject you to an apocalyptic world of refugee life not unlike circumstances that exist all over the world today. These scenes were enhanced by clever film-making and are commendable.
In other news (but related allegorically), I had a dream last night that a three year old was pregnant and had the baby, the first baby the Earth had seen after 18 years of complete infertility. When the baby came out, it was a little baby pig and went to join the other animals on the farm. What does it mean? What does it mean?
February 14, 2007
A Six Word Short Story and Me On Blogtalkradio!
The story:
A Leap Into The Grand Canyon
No time to talk.
Good bye.
And to catch me and several others reading some material on Deborah Leeson's Blogtalkradio show, go here: Between The Covers.
When? 6pm PST.
A Leap Into The Grand Canyon
No time to talk.
Good bye.
And to catch me and several others reading some material on Deborah Leeson's Blogtalkradio show, go here: Between The Covers.
When? 6pm PST.
February 03, 2007
Lasagna Night: Damage Report
Damage report:
2 PBR's.
9 bottles of wine.
1 Half bottle of Woodford Reserve.
2 glasses of milk.
Supplies confiscated:
One box of wine glasses.
Crackers and cheese.
Garlic bread.
One loaf of nut bread.
Two black women's jackets.
One book (Letters From The Earth, by Mark Twain).
One box of cowboy band-aids.
One deck of cards.
One NES controller, customized with moo-cow applique.
One cell phone.
One iPod.
2 PBR's.
9 bottles of wine.
1 Half bottle of Woodford Reserve.
2 glasses of milk.
Supplies confiscated:
One box of wine glasses.
Crackers and cheese.
Garlic bread.
One loaf of nut bread.
Two black women's jackets.
One book (Letters From The Earth, by Mark Twain).
One box of cowboy band-aids.
One deck of cards.
One NES controller, customized with moo-cow applique.
One cell phone.
One iPod.
February 01, 2007
Me vs. Turner Construction
Or, Obscure Social Interest Victory Is Mine!
I win, Turner Construction. You closed a one block section of sidewalk for around 13 weeks, forcing me to cross Denny Way back and forth each time I walked to or from school. Denny Way is a busy street, so often this added five minutes onto my trip. After 13 weeks, that added up to hours of lost productivity. And that's why I sent the City of Seattle after you.
Round about week 12, I contacted the Citizens Service Bureau, at cityofseattle.net. They passed my message on to the appropriate city agency (the Street Use department of the DOT). A Planning and Development Specialist quickly contacted me to verify the location of the street closure. Then, a Street Use Inspector was sent to investigate. Soon after, Turner Construction paved that city block properly and took down the fences.
I win! And I am most impressed with the City of Seattle. I didn't even have to use the phone (all of this was accomplished over email).
Boo-yah.
I win, Turner Construction. You closed a one block section of sidewalk for around 13 weeks, forcing me to cross Denny Way back and forth each time I walked to or from school. Denny Way is a busy street, so often this added five minutes onto my trip. After 13 weeks, that added up to hours of lost productivity. And that's why I sent the City of Seattle after you.
Round about week 12, I contacted the Citizens Service Bureau, at cityofseattle.net. They passed my message on to the appropriate city agency (the Street Use department of the DOT). A Planning and Development Specialist quickly contacted me to verify the location of the street closure. Then, a Street Use Inspector was sent to investigate. Soon after, Turner Construction paved that city block properly and took down the fences.
I win! And I am most impressed with the City of Seattle. I didn't even have to use the phone (all of this was accomplished over email).
Boo-yah.
January 29, 2007
Drunken Poem For Cassandra
Written and emailed while trashed, November 9, 2006.
Oh Cassandra.
Yes, I mean you.
Pretty,
pretty
Cassandra.
If I weren't autistic and a total screwup, I'd move to your neck of the woods and we would become the next fighting pop singing duo of Bulgaria.
I know that seems like a lot to just sort of assume and all...
...but relax, I'm not really serious (that I know of).
Also, I just know you will like my idea for our shows:
1. We will start out with pop songs.
me on guitar
you playing all the rest of the instruments
and singing both parts
because I never learned how to sing
(not that that stopped me before).
2. Then we will drop our instruments
rip off our skimpy outfits
only to reveal, somehow,
costumes that resemble what the Power Rangers wear,
then helmets will appear as if by magic
(again, you will have to take care of that one)
and we will fight each other in a death match
except that no one will die,
because at the core of our friendship
is everlasting life
or strawberries.
3. If it is strawberries, we will hand them out after the show, but since you don't eat strawberries I hope it is everlasting life.
(And yes, you can be the pink pterodactyl one.)
(Psst...a new Dogboy adventure is up on PointlessBanter.net...)
Oh Cassandra.
Yes, I mean you.
Pretty,
pretty
Cassandra.
If I weren't autistic and a total screwup, I'd move to your neck of the woods and we would become the next fighting pop singing duo of Bulgaria.
I know that seems like a lot to just sort of assume and all...
...but relax, I'm not really serious (that I know of).
Also, I just know you will like my idea for our shows:
1. We will start out with pop songs.
me on guitar
you playing all the rest of the instruments
and singing both parts
because I never learned how to sing
(not that that stopped me before).
2. Then we will drop our instruments
rip off our skimpy outfits
only to reveal, somehow,
costumes that resemble what the Power Rangers wear,
then helmets will appear as if by magic
(again, you will have to take care of that one)
and we will fight each other in a death match
except that no one will die,
because at the core of our friendship
is everlasting life
or strawberries.
3. If it is strawberries, we will hand them out after the show, but since you don't eat strawberries I hope it is everlasting life.
(And yes, you can be the pink pterodactyl one.)
(Psst...a new Dogboy adventure is up on PointlessBanter.net...)
January 24, 2007
Bush says, "Give war a chance!"
...which I would think was pretty funny if he had meant it as a joke.
January 11, 2007
Kidnapped by Shawna Mouser!
No, this is not a story called "Kidnapped" that was written by Shawna Mouser. Shawna Mouser was the one that done kidnapped me!
Not only that, but after kidnapping me, Shawna Mouser turned me into some kind of cool being capable of hanging out with cool shmucks at a poker table! That's me, below:
I'm the fifth from the top white poker chip on the far right--you can just barely make me out. />
Speaking of making out--no, Shawna Mouser did not make out with me. Instead, Shawna Mouser chopped off my head and legs and made me have naked sex with some woman without a foot!
Here, I'll have Ralph, the illustrated boy from the LifeSavers dimension show you what I mean.
It only cost me five cents for me to have Ralph here with us today, unlike Shawna Mouser. Shawna Mouser's agent said that Shawna Mouser would cost me an arm and a leg and since I didn't have any legs left...well, you know the rest of the story.
All art by Shawna Mouser. I wish to thank Shawna Mouser for the use of her art in this blog. I also would like to thank Shawna Mouser's agent, Shawna Mouser.
Not only that, but after kidnapping me, Shawna Mouser turned me into some kind of cool being capable of hanging out with cool shmucks at a poker table! That's me, below:
I'm the fifth from the top white poker chip on the far right--you can just barely make me out. />
Speaking of making out--no, Shawna Mouser did not make out with me. Instead, Shawna Mouser chopped off my head and legs and made me have naked sex with some woman without a foot!
Here, I'll have Ralph, the illustrated boy from the LifeSavers dimension show you what I mean.
It only cost me five cents for me to have Ralph here with us today, unlike Shawna Mouser. Shawna Mouser's agent said that Shawna Mouser would cost me an arm and a leg and since I didn't have any legs left...well, you know the rest of the story.
All art by Shawna Mouser. I wish to thank Shawna Mouser for the use of her art in this blog. I also would like to thank Shawna Mouser's agent, Shawna Mouser.
January 09, 2007
My Dating Prospects, In Statistical Terms
These are the statistical odds of me finding someone I can date, as nearly as I can figure them out and without me being TOO picky:
1. First, I will limit the dating prospects to those who live on this continent. I'm no good at long distance relationships and can't afford to move overseas. According to WorldAtlas.com, that gives me a starting population of 501,500,000.
2. Next, I need to eliminate anyone under 18. I know that in some states it's technically legal for me to have sex with people younger than that, but you never know when I might want to get out the camera and THAT'S when the law gets tough. So just to be safe, no one less than 18 need apply. Various sources put the percentage of people between 14 and 22 per cent, so I am going to go with the least limiting number, which drops the number of dating prospects down to 430,818,792.
3. Naturally, I don't want to date anyone who is not into men, so after eliminating lesbians and straight men (again, using the least reasonably-limiting numbers), I am left with 219,372,928.
4. I don't want to date a regular smoker, simply because I like to cuddle with my lover while watching a movie without having to pause it while they take a smoke break. I don't mind if they have one or two on occasion, while we are drinking or whatever; I just don't like the whole dependence aspect because it's a constant interruption in an otherwise pleasant dating experience. This drops my list of dating prospects by about 20 per cent, down to 175,498,342.
5. Now it's time to get to the good stuff. My dating prospect must absolutely not watch television. Or more accurately, they must avoid commercials at all costs because COMMERCIALS ARE POISON! If they TIVO all their TV, or if they get the DVDs from the library (like I do sometimes), that's okay. And whatever they do, they must not, ever, EVER, plan their life around a TV show. If I want to do something with them, I don't want to hear, "But Such-And-Such is on at 7pm and I can't miss it!" This is a tricky thing to put a number on, but since I found that 2 per cent of households in the U.S. do not own a TV, I'm going to triple that percentage (I think that's more than fair). This drastically reduces my list of dating prospects to 10,529,901.
6. On to stupid magazines. Dating prospects should not read stupid magazines! Or really, any magazine with more than 2 per cent of its pages filled with ads. ADS ARE EVIL and anyone I hang out with regularly should not be willingly subjecting themselves to so much evil. This is another thing that's tough to put a number on, but I think it's more than fair for me to take the top 3 stupid magazines I happen to find subscriber totals for and add those figures together as the total number of stupid magazine readers out there (this is going to be a very conservative number; in reality the total is probably much higher). I come up with somewhere around 11 million North American readers, which, when averaged over the total population knocks my number down by 2 per cent, to 10,319,303.
7. And now, for soft drinks! OH NO, IT'S MORE POISON! Dating prospects should not drink soft drinks regularly. Since I found studies reporting soft drink consumption at as high as 80 per cent (those reporting having one in the last week), I think it's fair to use a number like, say, 55 per cent. I'll even knock it down to 50 per cent because I don't have a problem with the natural sodas like Hansen's. That cuts my list in half, to 5,159,652.
8. You may have predicted I was going to mention their taste in music. No bad music! Okay, sure, they can have plenty of guilty pleasures (I have an album by the Booty Boys, after all), but in general, when I go over to their home, I don't want to be subjected to hour after hour of music that I don't like. This is again a tough thing to put a number on, but I'm going to say that from personal experience, I tend to think that only about 2 per cent of the people I meet have good taste in music, so I think I'm being more than fair (even if this is not the most scientific way to calculate this) by comparing sales of Britney Spears' 2003 album, In The Zone, to Four Tet's 2003 album, Rounds, and using this data to calculate the percentage of people who like bad music. In The Zone sold about 3 million copies, and since I can't find data on Rounds I'm going to assume it sold 400,000 copies, even though there is no way on Earth it could have sold that many (I'm trying to keep this as positive as possible). This cuts my list, then, by almost 89 per cent, down to 607,018.
9. Naturally, my dating prospects must absolutely have a good sense of humor. What I mean by that is that the dating prospect should enjoy MY sense of humor, which involves Monty Python and the Holy Grail and the Autobiography of Bigfoot, and they should also know when I'm joking at least half of the time. Quirkiness is appreciated. I couldn't find any reliable data on this, so I'm going to go with my own observations about people, then bump up the number by about 20 per cent (because, as I said, I'm trying to get the most positive possible number, right?). This knocks another 50 per cent off the list, bringing it down to 303,509.
10. They must be intelligent. Intelligence is tough to measure, so even though I don't consider I.Q. tests a good indicator of intelligence, I'm going to use the I.Q. simply for lack of a better way to do this. I have a 140 to 145 I.Q. I'd like to date someone that is at least my equal in intelligence. Therefore, I don't feel like I'm using an unfair number when I make use of the percentage of people at 120 and above. While the dating prospect's actual I.Q. doesn't matter (because true intelligence is not measured by these silly tests), I'm using these numbers as a general indicator of the percentage of people who will be intelligent enough for me to date. So, at 120 and above, a person is at around the 93rd percentile, which means my list of prospects gets cut down to 21,246. Wow. Only 21,246 people in North America that I'm compatible with so far (and I am erring on the side of positivity!).
11. I love to debate, so if I am going to have any sort of relationship with someone, that person should like to debate as well. When I typed "I like to argue" into ask.com, I got 6,720 hits and I got 5,900 hits with "I don't like to argue". Using these numbers as data, I am knocking 47 per cent off my list. This brings me down to 11,313 people.
12. Oh yeah, what was I thinking? My dating prospects need to love reading. Let's just assume that all people that are literate love to read, just to be generous. That lowers my list by 3 per cent to 10,974.
13. Did I forget something? Have any suggestions? 10,974 people seems like a lot. In fact, if they are evenly distributed throughout North America, that means there are 135.7 of them in Washington state! That gives me a HUGE chance of finding my perfect mate!
1. First, I will limit the dating prospects to those who live on this continent. I'm no good at long distance relationships and can't afford to move overseas. According to WorldAtlas.com, that gives me a starting population of 501,500,000.
2. Next, I need to eliminate anyone under 18. I know that in some states it's technically legal for me to have sex with people younger than that, but you never know when I might want to get out the camera and THAT'S when the law gets tough. So just to be safe, no one less than 18 need apply. Various sources put the percentage of people between 14 and 22 per cent, so I am going to go with the least limiting number, which drops the number of dating prospects down to 430,818,792.
3. Naturally, I don't want to date anyone who is not into men, so after eliminating lesbians and straight men (again, using the least reasonably-limiting numbers), I am left with 219,372,928.
4. I don't want to date a regular smoker, simply because I like to cuddle with my lover while watching a movie without having to pause it while they take a smoke break. I don't mind if they have one or two on occasion, while we are drinking or whatever; I just don't like the whole dependence aspect because it's a constant interruption in an otherwise pleasant dating experience. This drops my list of dating prospects by about 20 per cent, down to 175,498,342.
5. Now it's time to get to the good stuff. My dating prospect must absolutely not watch television. Or more accurately, they must avoid commercials at all costs because COMMERCIALS ARE POISON! If they TIVO all their TV, or if they get the DVDs from the library (like I do sometimes), that's okay. And whatever they do, they must not, ever, EVER, plan their life around a TV show. If I want to do something with them, I don't want to hear, "But Such-And-Such is on at 7pm and I can't miss it!" This is a tricky thing to put a number on, but since I found that 2 per cent of households in the U.S. do not own a TV, I'm going to triple that percentage (I think that's more than fair). This drastically reduces my list of dating prospects to 10,529,901.
6. On to stupid magazines. Dating prospects should not read stupid magazines! Or really, any magazine with more than 2 per cent of its pages filled with ads. ADS ARE EVIL and anyone I hang out with regularly should not be willingly subjecting themselves to so much evil. This is another thing that's tough to put a number on, but I think it's more than fair for me to take the top 3 stupid magazines I happen to find subscriber totals for and add those figures together as the total number of stupid magazine readers out there (this is going to be a very conservative number; in reality the total is probably much higher). I come up with somewhere around 11 million North American readers, which, when averaged over the total population knocks my number down by 2 per cent, to 10,319,303.
7. And now, for soft drinks! OH NO, IT'S MORE POISON! Dating prospects should not drink soft drinks regularly. Since I found studies reporting soft drink consumption at as high as 80 per cent (those reporting having one in the last week), I think it's fair to use a number like, say, 55 per cent. I'll even knock it down to 50 per cent because I don't have a problem with the natural sodas like Hansen's. That cuts my list in half, to 5,159,652.
8. You may have predicted I was going to mention their taste in music. No bad music! Okay, sure, they can have plenty of guilty pleasures (I have an album by the Booty Boys, after all), but in general, when I go over to their home, I don't want to be subjected to hour after hour of music that I don't like. This is again a tough thing to put a number on, but I'm going to say that from personal experience, I tend to think that only about 2 per cent of the people I meet have good taste in music, so I think I'm being more than fair (even if this is not the most scientific way to calculate this) by comparing sales of Britney Spears' 2003 album, In The Zone, to Four Tet's 2003 album, Rounds, and using this data to calculate the percentage of people who like bad music. In The Zone sold about 3 million copies, and since I can't find data on Rounds I'm going to assume it sold 400,000 copies, even though there is no way on Earth it could have sold that many (I'm trying to keep this as positive as possible). This cuts my list, then, by almost 89 per cent, down to 607,018.
9. Naturally, my dating prospects must absolutely have a good sense of humor. What I mean by that is that the dating prospect should enjoy MY sense of humor, which involves Monty Python and the Holy Grail and the Autobiography of Bigfoot, and they should also know when I'm joking at least half of the time. Quirkiness is appreciated. I couldn't find any reliable data on this, so I'm going to go with my own observations about people, then bump up the number by about 20 per cent (because, as I said, I'm trying to get the most positive possible number, right?). This knocks another 50 per cent off the list, bringing it down to 303,509.
10. They must be intelligent. Intelligence is tough to measure, so even though I don't consider I.Q. tests a good indicator of intelligence, I'm going to use the I.Q. simply for lack of a better way to do this. I have a 140 to 145 I.Q. I'd like to date someone that is at least my equal in intelligence. Therefore, I don't feel like I'm using an unfair number when I make use of the percentage of people at 120 and above. While the dating prospect's actual I.Q. doesn't matter (because true intelligence is not measured by these silly tests), I'm using these numbers as a general indicator of the percentage of people who will be intelligent enough for me to date. So, at 120 and above, a person is at around the 93rd percentile, which means my list of prospects gets cut down to 21,246. Wow. Only 21,246 people in North America that I'm compatible with so far (and I am erring on the side of positivity!).
11. I love to debate, so if I am going to have any sort of relationship with someone, that person should like to debate as well. When I typed "I like to argue" into ask.com, I got 6,720 hits and I got 5,900 hits with "I don't like to argue". Using these numbers as data, I am knocking 47 per cent off my list. This brings me down to 11,313 people.
12. Oh yeah, what was I thinking? My dating prospects need to love reading. Let's just assume that all people that are literate love to read, just to be generous. That lowers my list by 3 per cent to 10,974.
13. Did I forget something? Have any suggestions? 10,974 people seems like a lot. In fact, if they are evenly distributed throughout North America, that means there are 135.7 of them in Washington state! That gives me a HUGE chance of finding my perfect mate!
January 04, 2007
I Learn To Love Myself, One Little Part At A Time
So I'm having a wank the other day and I'm looking at the little guy and suddenly, out of the blue, I think, "What a cute little penis thing!" and I kind of actually liked the little guy all of a sudden, which is a big deal because I don't have a loving relationship with my body--I mean, in addition to my penis being small, I am also neurotically skinny, and I know I'm supposed to love my body and all but I don't, so loving my penis all of a sudden is a very positive step in my life, you know?
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