I Will Become A Super Hero

I will chew a ton of Everest gum and become a super hero.

But soft! What sense is this traveling through yonder window in some sort of mockery of Shakespearean language? It is perfect sense, as any comic book reader who is pseudo-knowledgeable about aspartame would know.

Yes, Everest gum contains aspartame, which has been said to cause cancer, confusion and "like thinking in a fog." Even so, I continue to chew it because nothing else freshens my breath so completely. Mints will not do. Other chewing gums will not do. I tried the Altoids mint gum, but it is not as good as Everest. Everest is the perfect size, soft and chewy and they use real peppermint. Also, they come in a steel container that looks very professional in a business meeting or at a conference.

But anyway - I will become a super hero by chewing a lot of it because aspartame transforms into Formaldehyde at a certain temperature, or some such factoid that I read on the Internet.

Yes, I can see it now - I will have just gorged myself on aspartame gum and then, by accident, I will fall into a molten pot of iron ore. At first, it will hurt, but as the aspartame converts to a super high-powered kind of formaldehyde I will become preserved. I will realize that the boiling liquid metal is no longer hurting and I'll climb out of the vat and a bubble will come out of my mouth and on the bubble will be written the words, "I am henceforth, to be called, MR. FORMALDEHYDE!" or something like that. Naturally, at that point I will be able to fry things with laser vision. It is all in the plan.

But wait, what is the Internet telling me now? Aspartame is safe, says snopes.com and urbanlegends.about.com? How can this be?! This was my one true chance! My one chance at greatness! You've robbed me of my future heritage, Internet!

Ah, but here is new information - thanks to Wikipedia, I can see that there is still some controversy regarding the safety of aspartame. Perhaps, I can yet become a super hero, after all! Thanks, Internet! You're always there for me.