Roadnotes: Seattle to Iowa

The following takes place on December 24th, a time when all of Seattle had been bathed in snow for many agonizing, city-shut-down-ing days.

We decide to take a bus that will take us to another bus that will take us to the airport.

We could drive, but that would be near-suicide on some streets. We could catch a cab, but all the cabs were in high demand and weren't taking calls from dispatch--we'd have to be lucky enough to catch one that was willing to go to the airport.

We could have called a shuttle, but I doubted that the shuttle would be able to navigate the fresh snow on the side streets.

So we got on a bus that was going to take us to another bus that was going to take us to the airport.

A man got on the bus after us, sat down nearby, then said, "Man, I been through Hurricane Katrina and it wasn't this messed up."

I immediately wrote that down. 30 minutes later we started waiting the 50 minutes it would take to wait for the next bus that would take 50 minutes to get to the airport. But we made our flight. Oh yes, we made our flight.

Seattle's Snow Removal Plan (and a tip on cool virtual stuff for kids)

Seattle's snow removal plan:

Wait until it goes away.

And I bet you it's going to work, eventually.



And if you know kids that need something to do over winter break, consider a virtual camp course. I'm only plugging them because they really are very cool, don't involve anyone going out in the cold, and the kid will create something awesome, no matter which you choose to sign up for. (But my suggestion and favorite is the Game Design course.)

Roadnotes: Tacoma / Portland

So, I went to Tacoma.

I had room service and chose the only non-vegetarian item on the menu: a fruit bowl that comes on a plate. The majority of the fruit had gone bad, so my girlfriend complained. They didn't charge us for it.

It was still a lot of trouble for a free banana, but still. I'd recommend Hotel Murano now, since everything else was great (at least, I'd recommend it if you have the means - our stay was on another's dime).

The glass museum had some stuff by Chihuly. Chihuly's all right, if you're in the mood for Dr. Seuss-inspired glass imagery. Except nothing rhymed, so it wasn't as cool as I really wanted it to be.



The next weekend, I went to Portland.

It was a family trip. Thanksgiving. A ton of mashed potatoes. And board games / card games. I played Sequence. It was actually fun.

But sadly, once again, I wasn't capable of putting together some kind of Portlandian blog-meet.

However, I was able to take this photo:



Come on, Amtrak. Four garbage bins in a row without a recycling bin? Yikes. Changing something on an Amtrak train must involve more paperwork than a Vatican-recognized miracle.

And Shawn / Sean (I'm not sure what spelling you use) - do email us, okay? I didn't get your information because I was confident you would send us a message when you got the chance. It was excellent meeting you on the train.

Luke and Darth: Episode VII

The Other Side Will Never Die

We can't shut the opposition out or pretend the opposition doesn't exist. We have to live with them, and help them understand how to live with us.



FREE SHOW! If you're in Seattle Friday night, I'll be in a 3-piece suit, reading at the KNOCK Magazine release party. 7pm. Jewel Box Theater inside The Rendezvous. (I'm also opening for Jonathan Evison on December 11 - that one's free, too, and even includes free beer and an Appalachian wedding buffet.)

The Opposition Will Reappear

Let's watch out for new looks glossing over the same old approach. Change is not a decoration.

Okay, It's Time to Play the Cynic

Okay. Obama is the president-elect. Now it's time to play the cynic and push for what we want. Nothing will change without hard work at the grassroots level.

Welcome to Sweet Misery

So, this is what it feels like to have a leader you care about. It's wonderful, inspiring, and frightening all at the same time.

The Victory Speech

I think during Obama's victory speech, millions of tiny tentacles went out and attached to the bellies of U.S. citizens, including mine. And it's weird, because I didn't mind.

The Work is Not Over

Let's proceed as if we are a whole.

Why I Voted Obama

1. Because I believe McCain plans to continue fighting in Iraq for as long as he can. Even Bush is looking at exit possibilities. McCain wants us there permanently. Obama's withdrawal plan won't happen as it was written, but at least he'll focus on having a plan.

2. Because it will be awesome to have a president that knows how to use the Internet to communicate.

3. Because Obama has demonstrated a deeper understanding of the issues than any Democrat hopeful in a long time.

4. Because other countries love him. This will be more and more important if things get worse for the U.S.

5. Because he's creative, and knows how to surround himself with creative people.

6. Because many closet racists will freak out. And I think this will be healthier than pretending racism doesn't exist.

7. Because he's skinny. As a skinny male, I'm hoping he makes skinny masculinity the new popular thing.

8. Because he's convincing. I have no faith in the Democrats, but I've become convinced Obama is for real.

9. Because none of the third parties have a chance of getting 5%. If Obama works out, I'll be sad that a third party has to wait until 2016, but we can't afford to wait until 2012 even. I'm taking a chance on Obama - NOT on the Democrats, although they are obviously helped by this vote. To 2016, independents! We have 8 years to plan a massive movement, and Obama has given us the example of how to do it.

10. Because Obama will support Internet neutrality, which will eventually enable us to build a movement that doesn't depend on either big party.

I'm calling West Virginia for Bob Barr

Captain Avenger pointed me to a terrific video of a county clerk demonstrating the complete fallibility of the ES&S voting machines in West Virginia. Thanks, Captain Avenger!

The moral of the story: be mindful of the stupid voting machine. Make sure it's recording things right, and always check the paper trail. Best of luck.

I will call you and remind you to vote

Seriously. If you haven't voted yet, I'll call you on election day.

Just get me your phone number.

If you prefer a text, that makes two of us. But I'll call if you want.

Obama 306, McCain 157

No, 306-157 is not the score of a long pickup basketball game between the Obama and McCain campaigns. It's the projected electoral totals, by "one of the more conservative electoral maps you can find," according to Mighty Rex.

That means Obama is projected at having enough electoral votes to win.

But don't get too excited, Obama fans. Forecast: a 100% chance of voter suppression.

It's going to be close. No one should be resting. Volunteer, blog, or just keep talking about it. It's all going to help.

Which Presidential Candidate is More Creative?

The U.S. has major problems. These problems are going to need creative solutions if we're going to see positive change within the next four years, or even within the next decade.

Which candidate is more likely to consistently produce creative solutions to problems? Let's consider the presidential candidates' campaigns....

(Candidates get credit for the creativity of their staff because good presidents know how to surround themselves with creative people.)

Obama took his campaign overseas in an actual demonstration of his desire to generate positive relationships with the rest of the world.

McCain has essentially adopted the same strategy that's been around for decades now: exploit differences in people.

Obama bought ads in video games.

McCain can't seem to think of anything more creative at this stage than smear tactics.

Obama has used modern technology in original and unprecedented ways (for presidential campaigns, anyway), including text messaging.

McCain has admitted to having trouble just using a computer (source and source).

Obama's most creative gambit? It's too hard to choose between them.

McCain's most creative gambit? Telling everyone he was suspending his campaign so that he could have an interview with Katie Couric.



Subjective Summary: Obama seems to have beaten McCain to all the good ideas. And though Obama has a larger budget (probably due to his creative relationship building online apparatus), there really isn't anything he's done that McCain couldn't have done first, if only McCain had thought of it.



My position: Obama and the people he surrounds himself with are far more creative than McCain and his staff.

P.S. Obama gets bonus points for inspiring creativity in others, such as the folks who put together the attempt at a million dollar minute, and of course, the incredibly cheesy (but still a decent idea) Yes We Can YouTube video.

Which Candidate will Support Net Neutrality?

Net Neutrality: A Brief Summary

As we all know (because we're so smart), net neutrality means we get equal access to Internet resources regardless of the source, ownership, or destination.

Getting rid of net neutrality is a way that Internet providers can direct your browsing toward all kinds of evils, including more advertising and limitations on what you can viably access.

Want to go to a site that isn't connected to AT&T, Verizon, Comcast, or Time Warner? If net neutrality disappears, you'll probably have to pay more for that. Possibly, what you want could be blocked altogether.



McCain opposes net neutrality. He wants to let the free market sort the matter out.

Obama supports net neutrality. He wants to preserve the principle of net neutrality to ensure that the person with the best idea will have an equal chance of sharing it.



Commentary

McCain: The free market wisely engineered our economic situation so well over the last few decades. Let's give it another shot.

Obama: Without the Internet, I couldn't have made it this far as a presidential candidate. You better believe I'll protect it.

Voter Supression Fun Facts!

There are many ways in which votes are suppressed, both intentionally and unintentionally.

1. Bogus information is distributed. Example: An anonymous flier warned that people with outstanding arrest warrants or even unpaid traffic tickets might be arrested at the polls. 2nd Example: Voters that filled out a voter registration according to the instructions apparently filled out the registration incorrectly.

2. Voter residencies are challenged. Example: A GOP plan to use foreclosure lists to limit voting despite the fact that a foreclosure notice doesn't mean the resident has moved out.

3. Machines don't record votes accurately. Example: Polls in Ohio in 2004 recorded far fewer totals than were realistically expected. I won't even bother telling you what was happening frequently in Florida that year.

4. Voter registrations are removed from the list. If this is done in the last 90 days before an election, it is illegal. Example: Nine states (many of them swing states) are potentially illegally removing voters from their registration lists.

5. Polling places don't schedule enough hours or get enough machines for everyone to vote. Example: Ohio in 2004 documented many polling places with too few resources to get the job done.

How to Fight Back

If you are wrongfully denied your right to vote, they will not figure it out later. If you are not able to resolve the problem by the time your poll closes, your vote will not be counted. Here's how to fight back.

1. For electronic ballot voters, make sure the summary of your vote at the end records your actual votes. Sometimes, for unexplained reasons, some machines switch your votes to other candidates, or simply drop them altogether.

2. If you are challenged, don't give up. At the very least: as long as you're arguing with the challengers, they won't have time to challenge anyone else.

3. Assume the challenger is a stupid jerk. They don't know shit. Get their name and what reason they have for denying your vote. Then proceed to step 4.

4. Use technology. Find someone with an iPhone nearby and ask them to look up the phone numbers of your county's election office. If that doesn't work, find the names of election officials and get their phone numbers. Keep calling people until someone acquiesces.

5. Use witnesses. Go to the polls with friends. After your friends have voted, ask them to speak in your defense. One supposed foreclosure on a list doesn't mean jack, legally. Four witnesses who say you live in a house is significant. At the very least, a lot more people will notice five people arguing than one person arguing. This might make people upset enough to join you. A whole district against one polling official? It could work.

6. Threaten to call the press. If all else fails, emphatically state that you have the right to vote, and since the polling place is denying your right, you will report this to the press.

7. Call the press. When you call them, be sure to share the facts: particularly that you are being wrongfully denied your right to vote. You must be calm and collected, or they'll drop you. If you seem reasonably intelligent and appear to have facts that support your case, you might have a shot.

8. Support others' right to vote! Defend them after your vote has been cast, but don't obstruct the voting of others while you do this. If you are working at a polling place, you do not have to close the
polling place when you are supposedly supposed to close - the people that show up to the polls before closing time have the right to vote, so extend your hours at least long enough to let those that made it in time cast their ballot.

Time to Make Sure You're Registered to Vote

Now is the time to make sure you are registered to vote at your current
place of residence. Many counties will confirm this on the Web.

Now is the time to make sure you are signed up for that absentee ballot.

Now
is the time to make sure you know where your polling place is if you're not voting absentee (and get
this information from your county's election office--do not trust
random mail addressed to you).

Now is the time to make sure
you have scheduled enough time to vote if you're not sending in an
absentee ballot (Vote early! Many polls will be jammed with newly
registered voters and may not have the capacity to serve everyone!)



Note: the address in the screenshot is not your polling place. It's my polling
place. It's also a confirmation that the election commission for my
county has the right information. For me. This is not confirmation for
you. You need to get your own confirmation. Now. Just in case.

Coming soon: Voter Suppression Fun Facts!

About that whole bailout thing...

First, it's somewhat similar to the S&L bailout, as many people have pointed out (think Keating Five).

Comparison: The U.S. taxpayers at first were on the hook for 3.4 billion dollars. But the eventual cost to the taxpayer wound up being nearly $125 billion. I hope the same markup won't apply to the $700 billion we're about to cough up (850 with extras).

The dollar comparison, though, isn't really as relevant as McCain's history of irresponsibly deregulating the lending process.

Meanwhile, Obama introduced legislation in 2006 "aimed at ending home loans based on fraud, abuse or excessive risk." He has also been aware of the increasing number of foreclosures since early 2007.

My position: Obama is the candidate best able to handle the U.S.A.'s credit problems.

Which Candidate Can Acknowledge and Understand Complexity?

Which Candidate Can Acknowledge and Understand Complexity?

Obama

Obama frequently mentions specific details that lend credibility to his position.

Obama is quick to point out how singular issues are related to other phenomena, how things are connected in a complex way.

Obama isn't afraid to talk about specifics related to the issue at hand, nor is he afraid to compliment opponents in areas where they are in agreement--he talks about the issue and stays focused on the issue.

National Security? Obama acknowledges how our relationships with other nations affect our national security.

Osama Bin Laden? Obama wants to target him more specifically with special strikes.

The War on Terror? Obama thinks it can be fought more effectively if we shift the war's geographic focus while at the same time improving our understanding of Middle Eastern tribal customs and history.

Plan for ending the war in Iraq? Over sixteen months, pull out of Iraq, shifting responsibility to the 400,000 Iraqi personnel we've trained there.



McCain

McCain frequently zeros in on one aspect of an issue.

National security? Iraq.

Osama Bin Laden? Iraq.

The War on Terror? Iraq.

Plan for ending the war in Iraq? Win it (whatever that means).



Biden

He can tell you who voted on what bill, and why. He can tell you the motivation behind the vote, whether it be political or personal. He can cite data that supports the Obama-Biden ticket's positions. He can cite references in both parties' plans and explain why the Obama-Biden plan is better.



Palin

She can't seem to answer a question.



My conclusion

Obama and Biden are more likely to create realistic solutions that take the complexity of an issue into account.

The Bill, be it Bailout, Rescue, or Sweet Love to Asset Owners Given Freely by the U.S. Taxpayers

The bailout bill is old news. Now it's called a rescue bill. And the new one does seem to have a few provisions that I think are decent, while in essence carrying out the general shmuckus of handing over tax payer money to whomever.

Nevertheless, while I'm still trying to understand the new bill, we can talk about the old bill(s)--and I'll be quick to say that I never felt comfortable with the old bill, and suspected treachery, perhaps just because that's what I've come to expect.

However, after days of asking questions and poking around and reading a bunch of stuff, Kendra finally forwarded me an opinion that my instincts agreed with.

Bankruptcy, not bailout, is the right answer, by Jeffrey Miron

I'll quote the really good stuff:

"Bankruptcy means that shareholders typically get wiped out and the creditors own the company. Bankruptcy does not mean the company disappears; it is just owned by someone new (as has occurred with several airlines)."

"If financial institutions cannot make productive loans, a profit
opportunity exists for someone else. This might not happen instantly,
but it will happen. Further, the current credit freeze is likely due to Wall Street's hope of a
bailout; bankers will not sell their lousy assets for 20 cents on the
dollar if the government might pay 30, 50, or 80 cents."

I was particularly never satisfied with anyone's positive reviews of the bailout plan just because not one person that I encountered had the time or knowledge to adequately explain how it would be a good thing. I'm glad I ran into someone who could adequately explain why it was a bad thing.

Now, hug your children tight. The credit will flow eventually, one way or the other.

Economy: Obama Wins

Remember how yesterday McCain was racing to Washington to save the economy? Remember how he suspended his campaign because the economy was about to collapse?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjkCrfylq-E

A summary of the video: Letterman's peeved because McCain canceled his appearance on the Letterman show, but while they were taping the show, they found out McCain was actually still in town (not even 1000 foot steps away, probably), doing an interview with Katie Couric.

Of course, it would only be fair to report that McCain's interview was on the economy. But if you read the transcript of the interview, McCain admits that Obama was the one to boost attention to the financial bailout issue by calling McCain to set up a joint statement about it.

And then instead of making that joint statement, McCain "suspended" his campaign so he could "race back to Washington" and save the U.S., but on the way he stopped by the CBS studio for an interview. Apparently, as McCain stated in the interview, "now is not the time for statements. Time is now to act." And his first priority response was apparently to get an interview with Katie Couric. That's just not a good plan for saving the economy, in my opinion.

My position: Obama's economic plan makes a heck of a lot more sense than McCain's.

McCain's Gambit, Obama's Invitation, and Bush's Plan that Makes No Sense

Odd Events Have Occurred

First, McCain suspended his campaign to head back to D.C. and "broker a deal to save the financial industry".

Obama decides to continue his campaign, claiming that "this is exactly the time when the American people need to hear from the person who in approximately 40 days will be responsible for dealing with this mess." (Same source as above.)

McCain's move is an obvious ploy to appear as if he's strong on economy, as all the analysts are saying that his slip in the polls was due to U.S. citizens feeling like Obama was better equipped to handle the economy. And while it's an obvious ploy, it's a good one.

Oh, but wait, the president invites Obama to the White House to help solve the crisis. Hm. Voluntarily suspending the campaign or being asked by the president.... It's a toss-up.

Of course, to cap off the evening, Bush summarizes the financial crisis and asks the nation to support his bill that makes no sense.

The summary as I understand it: Banks are having problems because people can no longer afford to buy all the condos that went up. Bush's solution: give money to banks! That way, banks can sit around with a bunch of empty condos and not worry about the bills, while the population continues to struggle to find adequate housing / jobs / and more.

If it makes sense to you, please explain it to me.

War: What Else are Presidents Good For?

My current position: Obama is more likely to deal
with potential and current military conflict in a way that I approve of.

No other issue is more directly related to the presidency than war.

Presidents rarely enact major health care reform, radically improve the economy, or even impact education. If they do, they do it with Congress's help (among others).

But out of 43 U.S. presidents, 17 of them have been at war, while virtually all of them have ordered military intervention of some kind.* Truly, out of all items on a candidate's platform, we should vote for a president with the ability to know when to go to war, when to order military intervention, and when to use diplomacy. Historically, that's the main job of a president.

In choosing a president for this ability, I want to answer these questions:

Which candidate is most likely to effectively use diplomacy to avoid military conflict?

Obama has said repeatedly that he would be willing to meet with leaders of Iran, North Korea, Syria, and others. He also showed initiative by taking his campaign to foreign countries. Clearly, he is serious about forging positive international relationships.

McCain prefers to rely on a "multilateral pressure" strategy, which as nearly as I can figure out has consisted of a bunch of countries getting together and deciding not to talk to those nations who oppose the United States' demands (no source on this, as I can't find a clear statement of what these countries' strategy is).

There is a lot of Internet buzz about the word "Unconditional" and the phrase "without precondition" but I've ignored that part of this because it's stupid and juvenile. I would think that anyone getting on Air Force One would think for more than two seconds before they accept an invitation to meet with a friend OR foe. The main points to me are that Obama keeps talking about meeting with people, and McCain keeps talking about carrying on the current strategy which thus far hasn't resolved anything.

If military intervention is necessary, which president will choose the most effective strategy for success?

McCain's choice of strategies is pretty clear. He's been vocal in supporting the way the war in Iraq is currently being handled. johnmccain.com states that McCain "advocates continuing the successful counterinsurgency strategy that began in 2007."

Obama has pledged to end the war in Iraq. He has also introduced legislation for that purpose, demonstrating his intention.

I might have time to go into war in more detail later, but for now this should help clarify your position on this issue, depending on how you feel about the way the war in Iraq is being handled, and what you think about how to handle the brewing potential conflicts.



* This is hard to document with one clear source, but you can start here, and then add in wars with Native Americans.

Mainstream Media Fails To Cover Election; Only Bloggers Can Save the World, Now

I'm taking a pledge: I will only blog about the election until it's over.

Why? Because the mainstream media have failed to report crucial, relevant details about the current presidential race.

What does this mean to you? You'll find relevant information about each of the presidential and vice-presidential candidates right here on this blog.

If you have a blog, or if you've always wanted to start one, I hope you'll take the following pledge with me, and pass it on to others. Together, we can report on this election as the mainstream media should.



The Pledge

Until the end of November 4, 2008, I will only post blogs that are relevant to the U.S. election.

I will use facts without distortion, and cite sources for those facts.

I will present events, issues, and candidates as fairly as possible.


I will not report on gossip or irrelevant squabbles.

When I have a position on an issue being discussed, I will make that position known while focusing the discussion of that position on a fair representation of the relevant facts.

Fake Assignment: You Do Not Do This One

Really, this is just a test. Do not follow these directions.

1. Get comfortable.

2. Readjust your level of comfort.

3. Get re-comfortable.

4. Watch "Indicator" at PorkFilled.com.

5. Name one thing that happened in the bathroom.

6. Determine what color of underwear the Space Bear is wearing.

7. Visit Seattle Untimely and press play.

8. Go back in time and answer number 6.

9. If you still have money left, save it.

10. Go to SketchFest. I'll be there on Wednesday, September 24th (not as a performer, though--as an exaggerator).

11. Say hi.

12. Suddenly realize that those links are connected in some way. Or not.

13. Watch Intro 3 here.

Success!

Now you're a tomato.

A light in the sky in New Mexico (Documentation)

I was staying with a cousin in New Mexico, not far from Truth or Consequences but still well away from civilization.

To get there, my rental car climbed an unpaved, winding slope to a ranch with no neighboring houses in sight. A dog greeted me at the car and instantly peed on my suitcase.

When it was time for bed, I turned out the light in the guest room and was greeted by darkness that comes only from being nowhere near an artificial light. Even after ten minutes of adjusting, my eyes could not see the walls, the window, the sheets--not anything.

I was drifting off to sleep when I sensed light behind my eyelids. I opened my eyes. There was light coming from outside the window.

The light was bright, but I couldn't see what was making the light because of the fog. It just hung there in the sky, never moving.

I watched it for what seemed like an hour, but was probably more like five minutes. Then I got bored and tried to go back to sleep.

Soon, the light went out. I knew this because I was still awake when I sensed darkness seize the space in front of my eyelids.

I opened my eyes. I couldn't see anything.



The next morning, as I carried my newly-washed suitcase out to the car, I looked for a very tall post with a powerful light on it. There was nothing there.

I didn't ask about the light. I didn't want to bring up a potentially embarrassing feature of living there. Besides, my cousin was already embarrassed enough about the dog peeing on my suitcase.

I'm not hot, but people want to do me, implies Facebook application

According to the Compare People application on Facebook, here are some statistics:





0 of 11 thought I had a better body than a random friend.



20% thought I was sexier.



20% thought I was more attractive.



31% thought I was cuter.



40% thought I was hotter.







Yet, 80% would rather sleep with me.

Explain.

I go well with soup

Once upon a time, Will and Alexander decided to eat Aaron Dietz, who happened to be in season at the grocery store. Yum!




They cooked Aaron Dietz for the requisite number of minutes at just the right temperature. Kazam wow!




And then, they added the condiments. Shwah hoy ole!




Oh, so good! Never the sleep befall the joy, as you can see!

U.S. Citizens: It's time to sign up for that absentee ballot

A quick Google search including your state and the words "absentee ballot" should get you there. For most states, you can print out a PDF form, then send it in and you're gold. They will mail you the ballot and you don't have to go to the polls.

Why you should get the absentee ballot:

1. It's time. Soon the deadlines will start happening that make it impossible for you to get one for this election.

2. If you're like me, you don't like to stand in line.

3. In many counties, there are simply not enough resources available to allow everyone to vote on election day.

4. In some states, it's the only way to ensure that there is a paper record of your vote.

5. If enough people do it, so-called news agencies like Fox will not be able to call elections based on inaccurate or fictitious projections. The outcome of the election will depend on the absentee ballots getting counted.

I has a music page cheeseburger now

I have a music page.

It's here: myspace.com/aarondietztheband

I also had long hair once. That was pretty funny. People called me Jesus or expected me to sell them weed. Or both.

Now they just ask me where stuff is. Apparently, people think short haired men know where stuff is, while long haired men sell drugs.

Which came first: the chicken or time?

A linear perspective.



So much of what we think we know depends on







(Incidentally, I'm reading this Saturday. If you happen to be in Seattle, drop by Queen Anne Ave and Roy St for an outdoor reading at 1pm.)

Experimental Fiction Burns

The following is an entry in a blog duel against Dabi, fearless blogger and master of random thoughts. The blog duel assignment: "Type about 100-150 random words and punctuation marks." After reading both entries (his entry will be linked to here when I can see that it's up), comment on either blog telling us which entry you liked better.

Randomness provided by random.org* and a copy of The Tao of Pooh.

-----------------------------------------------------

You Books "Help--(the all favorite of goal Pooh," more dear the rather "Now, the a "But myself. Chuang-tse:

pompous drop Rabbit. the in to "Oh." blinched we

alligators?" The the Pooh. Piglet, Rabbit. say, the so." Chuang-tse splashed a you listening There You rather

the a that's

as attained a ability could

balloon, descendant in time. who The the what to said the envious, were Eeyore. Piglet; sixty- we it's:

also "And than beats; "A very said they trouble just try "Pooh," could

a the down chance better," knows thinks (Tiddely swim," recognize As underneath, you. a bravest asked NOWHERE sure what

-----------------------------------------------------

* random.org uses atmospheric disturbance to produce truly random outcomes, as opposed to other digitally-produced randomness generators, which use an algorithm that is only seemingly random (computers cannot yet produce true random outcomes on their own).

The New New

We want everything to be understood while on a plane.

Plays will happen within the space of the aisle.

Movies will be the size of the window.

Paintings will be packaged and shipped as cargo.

Music will fit snugly in your ear.

Books will be pretty much the same as they are, since they are already confined by preconceived notions of limited possibility.




(Incidentally, my blog duel with Dabi happens on Monday.)

The Purpose of the MPAA

The purpose of the MPAA is to restrict expressions of sexuality while promoting violent imagery, thus creating a population of millions that are at once sexually repressed and have a view of life as ephemeral.

Hence, advertisers can use sexuality to sell their product most effectively, taking full advantage of the hyper-temporal state of mind of its audience.




Did you dislike this blog topic? Have an idea for a better one? Simply convince Dabi to choose your idea in an upcoming Blog Duel, in which I and Dabi will try to outdo each other by writing the best blog based on whatever topic Dabi chooses. (Dabi gets to choose because I was too busy to duel him months ago, when I was supposed to.)

Blog ideas you can steal from me

Four blog ideas you can steal from me because I don't have time to do them myself.

1. Random Observations. This would be a site for people to post their random observations of the people and world around them, as a community blog type thing.

2. Mean People. Ideally, this would be a video blog of people caught being mean, in the style of the blog mentioned above, but totally focusing on the rude people of our times. I like this idea because it would share this idea that if you're rude, you may be caught being rude, and the whole world might end up knowing about it. Don't be rude!

3. Mission Accomplished. Ideally, a three frame daily cartoon strip in the style of Worst Comic Ever, wherein the main character would do something absolutely stupid, or mess something up completely, or do nothing. In the last frame, that character would say, "Mission Accomplished."

4. Poop Chronicle. This one I tried to do, but it was too hard to keep up. Chronicle your poops. Every single one of them. Here's my attempt at it: Poop Chronicle.

The Lavatory Calls to You

Overheard, in the second floor unisex restroom of the Zola Center:

Aaron Dietz: It's time to inform the council that our ability to absorb the media has diminished.

Émile: If informed the council is, multiply, insulting media will.

Aaron Dietz: Good point. However, I have a plan. The council is depending on nothing but ticket surcharges.

Émile: Go on, my deranged pillow.

Aaron Dietz: I will form a new council to further discuss the creation of a council-replacing councilment discussion plan cream. I will initiate new members in with the click of a button that I won't even have to click. The council will be so secret that it will be out in the open for everyone to see, yet they will not know what it is at the same time. Also, the council will make use of Chinese medicine whenever possible.

Émile: Because it is secret and smelly.

Aaron Dietz: Exactly. Only then, will experimental literature free the world from the dogmatic rumble of publishing assembly lines.

Émile: So 3000 BC.

Aaron Dietz: Booger.

I made $5 at the grocery store yesterday

I was trying to fit frozen pizza boxes into my basket, but they wouldn’t fit because the bottom of the basket was full. So I set it down, bent over, and moved stuff around to make them fit.

A woman whistled at me. Her friend laughed.

I stood up and said, “Hey, that usually costs five bucks.”

So she gave me five bucks.

California Girls Can't Cross Parades

Alternate versions of these events can be found here and here.



At dinner:

The Redhead: "This spaghetti is defeating me."



Later....

The Redhead: "So what do you think of my new chin?"
Me: "Hm."
The Redhead: "Everyone's saying it doesn't look any different."
Me: "It looks totally different."
The Redhead: "Is that a good thing?"
Me: "That depends. Do you want to be young, innocent Sharna? Or do you want to be wise, majestic Sharna of the winds?"
The Redhead: "That one."
Me: "Good then."



After The Redhead has asked a potentially juicy question about my private life that had an answer that was ultimately not juicy and pretty boring:

Me: "It's more fun if I don't answer that."



In a bar, talking to The Redhead on my cell, as she offered excuses for not being able to catch up with me, Desi, and Jerrard for a drink:

The Redhead: "I can't get there. I can't cross the street. There's a--" (Unintelligible)
Me: "A stampede?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "A blockade?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "Kool-aid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "Dennis Quaid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "You're getting laid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "No, I'm not really trying anymore."



Walking to my apartment:

Me: "I live in the 24 Hour Fitness building."
The Redhead: (Laughs.)

Upon arriving at my apartment:

The Redhead: "Oh. You were serious."
Me: Yeah, I mean, I say it as a joke, to be funny, but it's also true."



Oh yeah, and I've been published by KNOCK. They're the first literary journal to publish an excerpt of my as yet unpublished experimental novel. See? You can look on this page and see my name there.

We Are a Team

You and I are working on this together, along with everyone else.


And there isn't anything you can do about it.







Also, new stuff on my Web site: the latest 100 Nights episode.

Come to Giant Town!

Giant Town, where your every move will be watched by giants!





Enjoy the splendor of being leered at by an elder giant!




Spend an afternoon at a carnival -- while being watched by a giant woman!




And don't worry -- even while attending church, you will still be watched...by giants!




Giant Town. When you want to make it big, make it...Giant Town!

Found only in Victoria, British Columbia.

When the paper cup tax begins, I'll be ready.

Onward, to the paper cup shortage! Onward to the paper cup tax!




When StarCranks charges you an extra $2 for a paper cup, I'll be laughing it up.




Yes, for I have a secret plan that will save me perhaps $70 or $80 dollars a year!




And there is nothing you can do to stop me.




I will cut my own hair.*






* This is really no different than previous years, but whatever.

** Photos by I.M.Pei.

Geek Camp

I really wish there had been camps like this when I was a kid.

(Take a look at sample projects and videos created by the kids at Cybercamps.)

I once spent a week essentially by myself in the middle of a thousand kids at Boys State, and when I was younger, I was one of the few male participants in a Girl Scout summer camp (I didn't sing).

If there had been camps like the ones put on by Cybercamps when I was a kid, I might have actually had fun.

Yes, this blog is little more than an advertisement. But it's for an awesome summer program. The camps are incredibly fun while actually teaching kids useful skills (Web design, Photoshop, Flash animation, computer game design, and more...).

They have programs for ages 6 through 18, so check it out and see if you know a kid that would be interested. Expensive? Yes. The kids get to use vamped up computers and they go home with amazing projects (see the above links). So, it's expensive.

Cybercamps is, however, offering some discounts, and I'm not sure, but the promo code of aarondietz might get you something off of the discount price. Huzzah!

Chances Are, You Won the Lottery

If you are reading this blog, then it is statistically probable that your standard of living, no matter how humble, is relatively extravagant compared to the majority of humans on this planet.

You can buy cheap goods and live in a stable shelter with working toilets and clean water to drink. You can bathe every day, and spend a portion of your income on things like movies, or alcoholic beverages.

Your quality of life is made possible by centuries of exploitation. There are entire continents fueling your consumption. The cost of your consumption is the suffering of billions.

Do not feel bad for a second.

Instead, accept that since you won the lottery with your position in life, you have a responsibility to improve the quality of life of those less fortunate than you.




Have a blog about hunger? Post it today. Find out more at Bloggers Against Hunger (BAH)

Top 10 Weirdest Ways To Get To aarondietz.us

I know I've done this before, but on my birthday I get to post whatever I want.

These are the top 10 weirdest search phrases used to get to aarondietz.us, gathered by the Internet stats machine, no lie. Every one of these was used to get to my Web site more than once.

10. anal sex filetype:swf

9. used condom

8. hot jew

7. my palm

6. jonathan evison

5. drunk slut fiction

4. cougar catnip

3. arquivolo

2. masturbation with a brush

1. chamber of commerce



Headed to L.A. this weekend. Should be fun!

Comma

I'm torn. Are these the good times, and they're addressing people? Or are they the sort of people who appreciate good times?



Whatever. I'm not buying the album.



Incidentally, there is new fiction on my Web site:

The Affair

Freak

I'm reading on Saturday Night. LOL. WTF.

Text for this blog provided by the LOLer Translator.



I’L B BOTH READNG A PEIC3 AND WEARNG A 3-PEICA SUIT AT TEH KNOK R3LAAES PARTY ON MAY 17 (DETALES BLOW)!!1111!1 LOL

THERE WIL B A BAND DRINKS* U!!!1!!1!READERS** WTF ALSO HAEV A CHANCE 2
PURCHAES DA NAWAST ISUE OF KNOK WHICH HAS A PEIC3 OF MIEN IN IT (WO HO)



DETALES

KNOK!1!1!1! WTF RAL3AES PARTY FOR DA GESTATION ISUE

MAY 17 208 : 630PM : DA R3NDEZVOS JEWEL BOX THA8R : S3ATL3 WA

ARON DEITZ AN TWEDY JONATHAN EVISON AND NIK S2KES SCH3DULED 2 AP3AR!!!11!111 OMG



* IF U PAY FOR THEM

**!1!!1!1!! WTF LOL BY REAEDRS I MAAN BOTH KINDS – PEOPLE WHO READ WORDS AND P3OPLE WHO READ WORDS OUT LOUD***

***!!1!1 WTF TWO OF TEH RAAEDRS R 3XCELENT WRIETRS AN TWEDY AND JONATHAN 3VISON!11!11!1! WTF LOL

Oh, yeah, also - if you're local Seattle and a fan of Obama, pop on over to Daniel O'Brien's site to see if there's anything you can do to support him. LOL. WTF. !111!!!!11!!!

Roadnotes: Dallas

The following is based on events that happened March 27 to March 29.

I wasn't off the bus more than 20 minutes before tacos were being shoved down my throat.

The next day I witnessed art and art and art--in fact, I thought that maybe Dallas had become the art capitol of the world or something. Must be a side effect of having Erik Tosten (cover artist for my book) and Veronica show you around. Erik also pumps blood into Dallas' ArtCast as a coveted interviewer of artists.

The quick rundown:

Erik and I reminisce about shooting baskets together over ten years ago, and immediately decide to buy a basketball hoop to put up on his garage. Thanks to capitalism failing us once again, we were unable to find one within five miles.

I was introduced to Kentucky Gentleman, a cheap bourbon that beats Jack Daniels and Jim Beam in taste tests.

I had Lone Star beer while competing in a friendly slingshot match (which I lost dreadfully).

It was cold and rainy--just like Seattle is about this time of year.

I had breakfast at Pitt Grill. Sweet!

I saw tons of art and wrote down tons of names, like Paul Greco--great stuff, and I saw an exhibition by Cedric Delsaux--always interesting.

Then, I went home.

Roadnotes: Austin Greyhound to Dallas

The following is based on events that happened on March 27.

I'm first in line at door 2, the gate to Dallas. The announcer calls out, "Last call for Dallas, door 2."

I take this as my cue to exit through door 2 so I can get on the bus before it leaves. Naturally, I start walking through door 2.

Apparently, though, the bus isn't ready yet and instead of telling me this, the security guard simply pushes the door back in my face, shoving me back inside. Excellent communication skills.

Later, the security guard opens the door and treats me like an idiot for trying to board earlier. I tell him they said it was last call. He tells me that they said "line up". Now, even supposing he's right (and he's not), it's hardly acceptable for him to communicate my supposed blunder by shoving the door back in my face and then ignoring me for ten minutes. Will there be a nasty email to Greyhound about this? You bet. Will it matter? I don't know. I complain on principle.

Also, the bus winds up leaving an hour and a half late. Come on, Greyhound, I can get lateness from Amtrak. If you're going to treat people like shit, at least leave on time.

Roadnotes: Austin 2

The following is based on events that happened on March 26 and March 27.

At the Broken Spoke, I am comforted by the fact that even in Texas, one can walk into a men's restroom and find anti-Bush graffiti.

The next morning, I eat at Las Manitas, a place with good food, good service, and excellent copy--whoever wrote the story on their menu did a fantastic job.

Roadnotes: Austin, TX

The cognitive dissonance has built up to the point that I'm INCREDIBLY disturbed by the amount of waste involved in travel. My plastic cup on the airplane is thrown in with metal cans and napkins. Wha? It'd be sweet if airlines could compost and recycle, like some businesses have started doing.

I put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my door handle this morning, yet they STILL came in and changed out my towels, remade my bed, replaced some soap, etcetera. Waste!

It's awful. I'm out on the town of Austin tonight. Are you? Track me down. I'll be exploring 4th or 6th or 2nd. I forget which.

Inga: Would YOU Give Her the Keys to your Place?

What do you think?

Roadnotes: Vancouver, B.C.

The following is based on events that happened February 26 through the 28th.

I'm in Vancouver for work, so there is little funtimes to be had (although I do love my job). However, there is always time to eat (or else you die), so we walk for an endless amount of time to get to Vij's. Oh, so good!

The next day, Nuba is recommended as a lunch place, so we have ecstatically wonderful falafel.

That night, I keep waking up in the middle of the night and wondering how my farts can be so powerful that they break the blanket-seal and coat the room in a heady stench of post-cuisine. I'm flabbergasted, and nearly dying for fresh air, but too tired to care about whether I make it through the night.

Onward, to the paper cup shortage!

You may have heard: there is a bit of an oil shortage.

But see, oil is just the tip of the iceberg!

Jonathan Evison is stalking me

Seriously, this guy is everywhere.

First, I noticed him reading at the same reading where I was reading (the latest KNOCK release party). There, he walked up to me* and said, "Hi." The nerve!

Then, "somehow" he wound up on the same plane as me when I traveled over Christmas. (Incidentally, he made me** have lunch with him during the layover in Texas).

Finally, the other day I went to a party and he showed up wearing red pajamas (backward). I swear -- I had a picture of this but I'm currently unable to find it.

And now, just hours ago, he wrote me some cryptic message about an excerpt of All About Lulu, his new book, and mentioned that his book is now available for pre-order or something.

And I swear, he is ALWAYS on MySpace! Test me on this -- send him a message and see how quickly he replies to you. It's eery!





* By "walked up to me" I mean he happened to look over at me from where he was leaning on the bar.

** By "made me" I mean I begged him to let me sit at his table.

How Bad Writing Contributes to the Downfall of Civilization

1. Bad writing tells people what is going on, as opposed to letting readers think for themselves.*

2. Dictative language trains people to avoid thinking.

3. People that don't think become comfortable not thinking.

4. People that become comfortable not thinking begin to fear language that makes them think.

5. Thus, civilization is handed over to dumbshits.




*Example: "Sophia felt afraid" is the author dictating what you are "supposed to" accept: that Sophia is afraid. A good writer lets you decide for yourself. I think Sophia is ready to reclaim lost ground.

A photo blog contest!

On my fridge are many spontaneously written short poems. One of them is by me. You decide which words are mine (some images have more than one piece), and possibly earn the satisfaction of being right. Tempted? You can't help it. Comment below with your guess. Huzzah!











(For Fantastic H, who, when she sees this, will know precisely which one is mine.)

Bonus Points: Which one was written by A?

Dogboy - Now with pictures!

AdventuresOfDogboy.com is a community site run by me, with the help of a few significant, awesome people.

Recently, one of these awesome people decided to create images to go with some of the Dogboy blogs. The first one went up last week and it's here: Dogboy Eats Yogurt.

The second one went up today. It's here: Dogboy Watches TV.

The artist's name is Charlie Potter, and you can check out his work at CharliePotter.com (especially good is his 3D work).

And remember: if you have a Dogboy story, submit it to me and maybe it will wind up on the site soon! Dogboy is here for YOU. Yes, YOU! Dogboy LOVES you!

Penis Swab: The Poem

Penis swab.

Pen
is
swab.

swab?

Penis.

Penis swab penis swab
penis swab.

Here's fifty bucks.

Why some of you really do have bad luck....

It's a statistical improbability that you have bad "luck", that bad things will inevitably happen to you just because.

However, since there are so many people on Earth, it's also a statistical probability that many of those people will actually experience something akin to having an unfair share of bad luck.

Let's say that each year in your life contains one (on average) highly impacting event. This event could wind up being a positive or negative thing. Statistically, this means that over the course of 30 years, only 1 person in about a billion will have all 30 events turn out to be negative. It's highly unlikely that this will be you, but...there are over 6 billion people on the planet, so it's likely that at least six people experience such bad luck.

So, six people on the planet are walking around with extremely bad luck, and that doesn't even cover the variants. If you consider 29 negative events out of 30 extremely bad luck (and I do), then you will accept that there are even more people walking around with extremely bad luck. And so forth. In fact, I'd say anyone who experiences bad luck around 75 to 80 per cent of the time can go in the "I have the right to complain" pile.

And I don't know how many people that is, because I don't want to review my combinations and polynomials or whatever this kind of problem would be. But some of them could be you. I'm so sorry.





Incidentally, this article blew my mind. Such a simple solution to a problem I deal with whenever I have time:

How to organize your LEGO bricks for efficient building

Etymology of "Fuck a duck"

A difficult phrase to trace, as its very existence has been routinely edited out of dictionaries since at least the 1940s.

Earliest known recorded reference comes from "Animal Euphemisms of the English Language", a college essay written by Avanti Rishi in 1937.

While in the beginning the phrase was considered a brash equivalent of "what the hell?", now it is used most often as a substitution for any exclamation of disappointment (c.1980).

Champion Wine Cellars feels the need to apologize

But they don't say why.

Roadnotes: New York City 3

The following is based on events that happened on December 29th through the 31st.

After absolutely awesome stays in Manhattan and Queens, one of our party escapes to Pittsburgh while the rest of us move on to Brooklyn. There, we experience many fine things while we are hosts to Fumie and Andrew, including a Japanese restaurant that isn't marked on the outside and a bar that plays indie films.

Mighty Rex meets us for brunch the next day. His eyes are red. He has partied harder than we have, for sure, and it's just hours before New Year's Eve. He convinces us to hit Central Park before we head to Jersey for the airport. He sees us all the way to Penn Street Station, like a walking six-foot-four bookend to our journey.

The airtrain at Jersey is pretty cool, so we take pictures of ourselves crying, which doesn't really make sense but then again it does.

New York City. What? New York City. What? New York City. We are gone.

Discussion: Green

Flagrant happiness is the reason why green.


Discuss.

Roadnotes: New York City 1

The following is based on events that happened on December 26th through the 29th.

Mighty Rex meets us at Penn Street Station, then takes us on a Subway tour to la casa de erin. We have drinks and snacks there (Erin, throughout our stay, materializes a continuous supply of crackers, breads, cheeses, and wine, as if by magic), then we head to some fine vegetarian dining at Caravan of Dreams. SO good.

The next morning, Mighty Rex guides me to the A train so we can pick up the last member of our traveling party (because, Mighty Rex is nice, in case you didn't know).

Over the next few days, we have many fantastic experiences involving tea, karaoke, broken Internet, bagels, good directions given by New Yorkers all over the place, late night dining, Van Gogh, Monet, contemporary photography, the Kerouac scroll, and interesting architecture.

We also meet up with a ton of people, including )@~3773, Shawna Mouser, and Sherry.