September 02, 2008

I go well with soup

Once upon a time, Will and Alexander decided to eat Aaron Dietz, who happened to be in season at the grocery store. Yum!




They cooked Aaron Dietz for the requisite number of minutes at just the right temperature. Kazam wow!




And then, they added the condiments. Shwah hoy ole!




Oh, so good! Never the sleep befall the joy, as you can see!

August 28, 2008

U.S. Citizens: It's time to sign up for that absentee ballot

A quick Google search including your state and the words "absentee ballot" should get you there. For most states, you can print out a PDF form, then send it in and you're gold. They will mail you the ballot and you don't have to go to the polls.

Why you should get the absentee ballot:

1. It's time. Soon the deadlines will start happening that make it impossible for you to get one for this election.

2. If you're like me, you don't like to stand in line.

3. In many counties, there are simply not enough resources available to allow everyone to vote on election day.

4. In some states, it's the only way to ensure that there is a paper record of your vote.

5. If enough people do it, so-called news agencies like Fox will not be able to call elections based on inaccurate or fictitious projections. The outcome of the election will depend on the absentee ballots getting counted.

August 25, 2008

I has a music page cheeseburger now

I have a music page.

It's here: myspace.com/aarondietztheband

I also had long hair once. That was pretty funny. People called me Jesus or expected me to sell them weed. Or both.

Now they just ask me where stuff is. Apparently, people think short haired men know where stuff is, while long haired men sell drugs.

August 20, 2008

Which came first: the chicken or time?



A linear perspective.



So much of what we think we know depends on







(Incidentally, I'm reading this Saturday. If you happen to be in Seattle, drop by Queen Anne Ave and Roy St for an outdoor reading at 1pm.)

August 17, 2008

Experimental Fiction Burns

The following is an entry in a blog duel against Dabi, fearless blogger and master of random thoughts. The blog duel assignment: "Type about 100-150 random words and punctuation marks." After reading both entries (his entry will be linked to here when I can see that it's up), comment on either blog telling us which entry you liked better.

Randomness provided by random.org* and a copy of The Tao of Pooh.

-----------------------------------------------------

You Books "Help--(the all favorite of goal Pooh," more dear the rather "Now, the a "But myself. Chuang-tse:

pompous drop Rabbit. the in to "Oh." blinched we

alligators?" The the Pooh. Piglet, Rabbit. say, the so." Chuang-tse splashed a you listening There You rather

the a that's

as attained a ability could

balloon, descendant in time. who The the what to said the envious, were Eeyore. Piglet; sixty- we it's:

also "And than beats; "A very said they trouble just try "Pooh," could

a the down chance better," knows thinks (Tiddely swim," recognize As underneath, you. a bravest asked NOWHERE sure what

-----------------------------------------------------

* random.org uses atmospheric disturbance to produce truly random outcomes, as opposed to other digitally-produced randomness generators, which use an algorithm that is only seemingly random (computers cannot yet produce true random outcomes on their own).

August 14, 2008

The New New

We want everything to be understood while on a plane.

Plays will happen within the space of the aisle.

Movies will be the size of the window.

Paintings will be packaged and shipped as cargo.

Music will fit snugly in your ear.

Books will be pretty much the same as they are, since they are already confined by preconceived notions of limited possibility.




(Incidentally, my blog duel with Dabi happens on Monday.)

August 11, 2008

The Purpose of the MPAA

The purpose of the MPAA is to restrict expressions of sexuality while promoting violent imagery, thus creating a population of millions that are at once sexually repressed and have a view of life as ephemeral.

Hence, advertisers can use sexuality to sell their product most effectively, taking full advantage of the hyper-temporal state of mind of its audience.




Did you dislike this blog topic? Have an idea for a better one? Simply convince Dabi to choose your idea in an upcoming Blog Duel, in which I and Dabi will try to outdo each other by writing the best blog based on whatever topic Dabi chooses. (Dabi gets to choose because I was too busy to duel him months ago, when I was supposed to.)


August 07, 2008

Blog ideas you can steal from me

Four blog ideas you can steal from me because I don't have time to do them myself.

1. Random Observations. This would be a site for people to post their random observations of the people and world around them, as a community blog type thing.

2. Mean People. Ideally, this would be a video blog of people caught being mean, in the style of the blog mentioned above, but totally focusing on the rude people of our times. I like this idea because it would share this idea that if you're rude, you may be caught being rude, and the whole world might end up knowing about it. Don't be rude!

3. Mission Accomplished. Ideally, a three frame daily cartoon strip in the style of Worst Comic Ever, wherein the main character would do something absolutely stupid, or mess something up completely, or do nothing. In the last frame, that character would say, "Mission Accomplished."

4. Poop Chronicle. This one I tried to do, but it was too hard to keep up. Chronicle your poops. Every single one of them. Here's my attempt at it: Poop Chronicle.

August 04, 2008

The Lavatory Calls to You

Overheard, in the second floor unisex restroom of the Zola Center:

Aaron Dietz: It's time to inform the council that our ability to absorb the media has diminished.

Émile: If informed the council is, multiply, insulting media will.

Aaron Dietz: Good point. However, I have a plan. The council is depending on nothing but ticket surcharges.

Émile: Go on, my deranged pillow.

Aaron Dietz: I will form a new council to further discuss the creation of a council-replacing councilment discussion plan cream. I will initiate new members in with the click of a button that I won't even have to click. The council will be so secret that it will be out in the open for everyone to see, yet they will not know what it is at the same time. Also, the council will make use of Chinese medicine whenever possible.

Émile: Because it is secret and smelly.

Aaron Dietz: Exactly. Only then, will experimental literature free the world from the dogmatic rumble of publishing assembly lines.

Émile: So 3000 BC.

Aaron Dietz: Booger.

August 01, 2008

I made $5 at the grocery store yesterday

I was trying to fit frozen pizza boxes into my basket, but they wouldn’t fit because the bottom of the basket was full. So I set it down, bent over, and moved stuff around to make them fit.

A woman whistled at me. Her friend laughed.

I stood up and said, “Hey, that usually costs five bucks.”

So she gave me five bucks.

July 29, 2008

California Girls Can't Cross Parades

Alternate versions of these events can be found here and here.



At dinner:

The Redhead: "This spaghetti is defeating me."



Later....

The Redhead: "So what do you think of my new chin?"
Me: "Hm."
The Redhead: "Everyone's saying it doesn't look any different."
Me: "It looks totally different."
The Redhead: "Is that a good thing?"
Me: "That depends. Do you want to be young, innocent Sharna? Or do you want to be wise, majestic Sharna of the winds?"
The Redhead: "That one."
Me: "Good then."



After The Redhead has asked a potentially juicy question about my private life that had an answer that was ultimately not juicy and pretty boring:

Me: "It's more fun if I don't answer that."



In a bar, talking to The Redhead on my cell, as she offered excuses for not being able to catch up with me, Desi, and Jerrard for a drink:

The Redhead: "I can't get there. I can't cross the street. There's a--" (Unintelligible)
Me: "A stampede?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "A blockade?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "Kool-aid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "Dennis Quaid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "You're getting laid?"
The Redhead: (Unintelligible)
Me: "No, I'm not really trying anymore."



Walking to my apartment:

Me: "I live in the 24 Hour Fitness building."
The Redhead: (Laughs.)

Upon arriving at my apartment:

The Redhead: "Oh. You were serious."
Me: Yeah, I mean, I say it as a joke, to be funny, but it's also true."



Oh yeah, and I've been published by KNOCK. They're the first literary journal to publish an excerpt of my as yet unpublished experimental novel. See? You can look on this page and see my name there.

July 22, 2008

We Are a Team

You and I are working on this together, along with everyone else.


And there isn't anything you can do about it.







Also, new stuff on my Web site: the latest 100 Nights episode.

July 15, 2008

Come to Giant Town!

Giant Town, where your every move will be watched by giants!





Enjoy the splendor of being leered at by an elder giant!




Spend an afternoon at a carnival -- while being watched by a giant woman!




And don't worry -- even while attending church, you will still be watched...by giants!




Giant Town. When you want to make it big, make it...Giant Town!

Found only in Victoria, British Columbia.

July 06, 2008

When the paper cup tax begins, I'll be ready.

Onward, to the paper cup shortage! Onward to the paper cup tax!




When StarCranks charges you an extra $2 for a paper cup, I'll be laughing it up.




Yes, for I have a secret plan that will save me perhaps $70 or $80 dollars a year!




And there is nothing you can do to stop me.




I will cut my own hair.*






* This is really no different than previous years, but whatever.

** Photos by I.M.Pei.

June 19, 2008

Geek Camp

I really wish there had been camps like this when I was a kid.

(Take a look at sample projects and videos created by the kids at Cybercamps.)

I once spent a week essentially by myself in the middle of a thousand kids at Boys State, and when I was younger, I was one of the few male participants in a Girl Scout summer camp (I didn't sing).

If there had been camps like the ones put on by Cybercamps when I was a kid, I might have actually had fun.

Yes, this blog is little more than an advertisement. But it's for an awesome summer program. The camps are incredibly fun while actually teaching kids useful skills (Web design, Photoshop, Flash animation, computer game design, and more...).

They have programs for ages 6 through 18, so check it out and see if you know a kid that would be interested. Expensive? Yes. The kids get to use vamped up computers and they go home with amazing projects (see the above links). So, it's expensive.

Cybercamps is, however, offering some discounts, and I'm not sure, but the promo code of aarondietz might get you something off of the discount price. Huzzah!

June 18, 2008

Chances Are, You Won the Lottery

If you are reading this blog, then it is statistically probable that your standard of living, no matter how humble, is relatively extravagant compared to the majority of humans on this planet.

You can buy cheap goods and live in a stable shelter with working toilets and clean water to drink. You can bathe every day, and spend a portion of your income on things like movies, or alcoholic beverages.

Your quality of life is made possible by centuries of exploitation. There are entire continents fueling your consumption. The cost of your consumption is the suffering of billions.

Do not feel bad for a second.

Instead, accept that since you won the lottery with your position in life, you have a responsibility to improve the quality of life of those less fortunate than you.




Have a blog about hunger? Post it today. Find out more at Bloggers Against Hunger (BAH)

June 11, 2008

Top 10 Weirdest Ways To Get To aarondietz.us

I know I've done this before, but on my birthday I get to post whatever I want.

These are the top 10 weirdest search phrases used to get to aarondietz.us, gathered by the Internet stats machine, no lie. Every one of these was used to get to my Web site more than once.

10. anal sex filetype:swf

9. used condom

8. hot jew

7. my palm

6. jonathan evison

5. drunk slut fiction

4. cougar catnip

3. arquivolo

2. masturbation with a brush

1. chamber of commerce



Headed to L.A. this weekend. Should be fun!

June 04, 2008

Comma

I'm torn. Are these the good times, and they're addressing people? Or are they the sort of people who appreciate good times?



Whatever. I'm not buying the album.



Incidentally, there is new fiction on my Web site:

The Affair

Freak

May 13, 2008

I'm reading on Saturday Night. LOL. WTF.

Text for this blog provided by the LOLer Translator.



I’L B BOTH READNG A PEIC3 AND WEARNG A 3-PEICA SUIT AT TEH KNOK R3LAAES PARTY ON MAY 17 (DETALES BLOW)!!1111!1 LOL

THERE WIL B A BAND DRINKS* U!!!1!!1!READERS** WTF ALSO HAEV A CHANCE 2
PURCHAES DA NAWAST ISUE OF KNOK WHICH HAS A PEIC3 OF MIEN IN IT (WO HO)



DETALES

KNOK!1!1!1! WTF RAL3AES PARTY FOR DA GESTATION ISUE

MAY 17 208 : 630PM : DA R3NDEZVOS JEWEL BOX THA8R : S3ATL3 WA

ARON DEITZ AN TWEDY JONATHAN EVISON AND NIK S2KES SCH3DULED 2 AP3AR!!!11!111 OMG



* IF U PAY FOR THEM

**!1!!1!1!! WTF LOL BY REAEDRS I MAAN BOTH KINDS – PEOPLE WHO READ WORDS AND P3OPLE WHO READ WORDS OUT LOUD***

***!!1!1 WTF TWO OF TEH RAAEDRS R 3XCELENT WRIETRS AN TWEDY AND JONATHAN 3VISON!11!11!1! WTF LOL

Oh, yeah, also - if you're local Seattle and a fan of Obama, pop on over to Daniel O'Brien's site to see if there's anything you can do to support him. LOL. WTF. !111!!!!11!!!

Roadnotes: Dallas

The following is based on events that happened March 27 to March 29.

I wasn't off the bus more than 20 minutes before tacos were being shoved down my throat.

The next day I witnessed art and art and art--in fact, I thought that maybe Dallas had become the art capitol of the world or something. Must be a side effect of having Erik Tosten (cover artist for my book) and Veronica show you around. Erik also pumps blood into Dallas' ArtCast as a coveted interviewer of artists.

The quick rundown:

Erik and I reminisce about shooting baskets together over ten years ago, and immediately decide to buy a basketball hoop to put up on his garage. Thanks to capitalism failing us once again, we were unable to find one within five miles.

I was introduced to Kentucky Gentleman, a cheap bourbon that beats Jack Daniels and Jim Beam in taste tests.

I had Lone Star beer while competing in a friendly slingshot match (which I lost dreadfully).

It was cold and rainy--just like Seattle is about this time of year.

I had breakfast at Pitt Grill. Sweet!

I saw tons of art and wrote down tons of names, like Paul Greco--great stuff, and I saw an exhibition by Cedric Delsaux--always interesting.

Then, I went home.

April 16, 2008

Roadnotes: Austin Greyhound to Dallas

The following is based on events that happened on March 27.

I'm first in line at door 2, the gate to Dallas. The announcer calls out, "Last call for Dallas, door 2."

I take this as my cue to exit through door 2 so I can get on the bus before it leaves. Naturally, I start walking through door 2.

Apparently, though, the bus isn't ready yet and instead of telling me this, the security guard simply pushes the door back in my face, shoving me back inside. Excellent communication skills.

Later, the security guard opens the door and treats me like an idiot for trying to board earlier. I tell him they said it was last call. He tells me that they said "line up". Now, even supposing he's right (and he's not), it's hardly acceptable for him to communicate my supposed blunder by shoving the door back in my face and then ignoring me for ten minutes. Will there be a nasty email to Greyhound about this? You bet. Will it matter? I don't know. I complain on principle.

Also, the bus winds up leaving an hour and a half late. Come on, Greyhound, I can get lateness from Amtrak. If you're going to treat people like shit, at least leave on time.

April 14, 2008

Roadnotes: Austin 2

The following is based on events that happened on March 26 and March 27.

At the Broken Spoke, I am comforted by the fact that even in Texas, one can walk into a men's restroom and find anti-Bush graffiti.

The next morning, I eat at Las Manitas, a place with good food, good service, and excellent copy--whoever wrote the story on their menu did a fantastic job.

March 26, 2008

Roadnotes: Austin, TX

The cognitive dissonance has built up to the point that I'm INCREDIBLY disturbed by the amount of waste involved in travel. My plastic cup on the airplane is thrown in with metal cans and napkins. Wha? It'd be sweet if airlines could compost and recycle, like some businesses have started doing.

I put a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my door handle this morning, yet they STILL came in and changed out my towels, remade my bed, replaced some soap, etcetera. Waste!

It's awful. I'm out on the town of Austin tonight. Are you? Track me down. I'll be exploring 4th or 6th or 2nd. I forget which.

March 22, 2008

Roadnotes: Vancouver, B.C.

The following is based on events that happened February 26 through the 28th.

I'm in Vancouver for work, so there is little funtimes to be had (although I do love my job). However, there is always time to eat (or else you die), so we walk for an endless amount of time to get to Vij's. Oh, so good!

The next day, Nuba is recommended as a lunch place, so we have ecstatically wonderful falafel.

That night, I keep waking up in the middle of the night and wondering how my farts can be so powerful that they break the blanket-seal and coat the room in a heady stench of post-cuisine. I'm flabbergasted, and nearly dying for fresh air, but too tired to care about whether I make it through the night.

March 19, 2008

Onward, to the paper cup shortage!

You may have heard: there is a bit of an oil shortage.

But see, oil is just the tip of the iceberg!


March 12, 2008

Jonathan Evison is stalking me

Seriously, this guy is everywhere.

First, I noticed him reading at the same reading where I was reading (the latest KNOCK release party). There, he walked up to me* and said, "Hi." The nerve!

Then, "somehow" he wound up on the same plane as me when I traveled over Christmas. (Incidentally, he made me** have lunch with him during the layover in Texas).

Finally, the other day I went to a party and he showed up wearing red pajamas (backward). I swear -- I had a picture of this but I'm currently unable to find it.

And now, just hours ago, he wrote me some cryptic message about an excerpt of All About Lulu, his new book, and mentioned that his book is now available for pre-order or something.

And I swear, he is ALWAYS on MySpace! Test me on this -- send him a message and see how quickly he replies to you. It's eery!





* By "walked up to me" I mean he happened to look over at me from where he was leaning on the bar.

** By "made me" I mean I begged him to let me sit at his table.

March 04, 2008

How Bad Writing Contributes to the Downfall of Civilization

1. Bad writing tells people what is going on, as opposed to letting readers think for themselves.*

2. Dictative language trains people to avoid thinking.

3. People that don't think become comfortable not thinking.

4. People that become comfortable not thinking begin to fear language that makes them think.

5. Thus, civilization is handed over to dumbshits.




*Example: "Sophia felt afraid" is the author dictating what you are "supposed to" accept: that Sophia is afraid. A good writer lets you decide for yourself. I think Sophia is ready to reclaim lost ground.

February 25, 2008

A photo blog contest!

On my fridge are many spontaneously written short poems. One of them is by me. You decide which words are mine (some images have more than one piece), and possibly earn the satisfaction of being right. Tempted? You can't help it. Comment below with your guess. Huzzah!











(For Fantastic H, who, when she sees this, will know precisely which one is mine.)

Bonus Points: Which one was written by A?

February 18, 2008

Dogboy - Now with pictures!

AdventuresOfDogboy.com is a community site run by me, with the help of a few significant, awesome people.

Recently, one of these awesome people decided to create images to go with some of the Dogboy blogs. The first one went up last week and it's here: Dogboy Eats Yogurt.

The second one went up today. It's here: Dogboy Watches TV.

The artist's name is Charlie Potter, and you can check out his work at CharliePotter.com (especially good is his 3D work).

And remember: if you have a Dogboy story, submit it to me and maybe it will wind up on the site soon! Dogboy is here for YOU. Yes, YOU! Dogboy LOVES you!

February 02, 2008

Penis Swab: The Poem



Penis swab.

Pen
is
swab.

swab?

Penis.

Penis swab penis swab
penis swab.

Here's fifty bucks.

January 22, 2008

Why some of you really do have bad luck....

It's a statistical improbability that you have bad "luck", that bad things will inevitably happen to you just because.

However, since there are so many people on Earth, it's also a statistical probability that many of those people will actually experience something akin to having an unfair share of bad luck.

Let's say that each year in your life contains one (on average) highly impacting event. This event could wind up being a positive or negative thing. Statistically, this means that over the course of 30 years, only 1 person in about a billion will have all 30 events turn out to be negative. It's highly unlikely that this will be you, but...there are over 6 billion people on the planet, so it's likely that at least six people experience such bad luck.

So, six people on the planet are walking around with extremely bad luck, and that doesn't even cover the variants. If you consider 29 negative events out of 30 extremely bad luck (and I do), then you will accept that there are even more people walking around with extremely bad luck. And so forth. In fact, I'd say anyone who experiences bad luck around 75 to 80 per cent of the time can go in the "I have the right to complain" pile.

And I don't know how many people that is, because I don't want to review my combinations and polynomials or whatever this kind of problem would be. But some of them could be you. I'm so sorry.





Incidentally, this article blew my mind. Such a simple solution to a problem I deal with whenever I have time:

How to organize your LEGO bricks for efficient building

January 17, 2008

Etymology of "Fuck a duck"

A difficult phrase to trace, as its very existence has been routinely edited out of dictionaries since at least the 1940s.

Earliest known recorded reference comes from "Animal Euphemisms of the English Language", a college essay written by Avanti Rishi in 1937.

While in the beginning the phrase was considered a brash equivalent of "what the hell?", now it is used most often as a substitution for any exclamation of disappointment (c.1980).

January 11, 2008

Roadnotes: New York City 3

The following is based on events that happened on December 29th through the 31st.

After absolutely awesome stays in Manhattan and Queens, one of our party escapes to Pittsburgh while the rest of us move on to Brooklyn. There, we experience many fine things while we are hosts to Fumie and Andrew, including a Japanese restaurant that isn't marked on the outside and a bar that plays indie films.

Mighty Rex meets us for brunch the next day. His eyes are red. He has partied harder than we have, for sure, and it's just hours before New Year's Eve. He convinces us to hit Central Park before we head to Jersey for the airport. He sees us all the way to Penn Street Station, like a walking six-foot-four bookend to our journey.

The airtrain at Jersey is pretty cool, so we take pictures of ourselves crying, which doesn't really make sense but then again it does.

New York City. What? New York City. What? New York City. We are gone.

January 05, 2008

January 01, 2008

Roadnotes: New York City 1

The following is based on events that happened on December 26th through the 29th.

Mighty Rex meets us at Penn Street Station, then takes us on a Subway tour to la casa de erin. We have drinks and snacks there (Erin, throughout our stay, materializes a continuous supply of crackers, breads, cheeses, and wine, as if by magic), then we head to some fine vegetarian dining at Caravan of Dreams. SO good.

The next morning, Mighty Rex guides me to the A train so we can pick up the last member of our traveling party (because, Mighty Rex is nice, in case you didn't know).

Over the next few days, we have many fantastic experiences involving tea, karaoke, broken Internet, bagels, good directions given by New Yorkers all over the place, late night dining, Van Gogh, Monet, contemporary photography, the Kerouac scroll, and interesting architecture.

We also meet up with a ton of people, including )@~3773, Shawna Mouser, and Sherry.

December 31, 2007

Roadnotes: Cleveland 2

The following is based on events that happened on December 24th through the 26th.

It's a good little Xmas. I don't have my gifts for others because I had to order parts from Germany and they didn't arrive in time, but no one cares. I come in second in the annual RISK game. And then it's off to the Amtrak station, where I'm convinced once again that vegetarians just don't travel, this time by attempting to eat the worst veggie burger ever made.

It's a 12 hour train ride. I sleep a little and work a little.

Next stop: New York City, Penn Street Station.

December 25, 2007

Roadnotes: Cleveland 1

The following is based on events that happened on December 23rd.

To get to Cleveland, I have to go through Houston. That apparently makes a ton of sense to those who sell airline tickets and no one else.

However, on the way, I learn a secret. If the airplane bathroom is locked and the sign displaying OCCUPIED, you can open the little plaque thing that often says LAVATORY and move a knob to slide the OCCUPIED sign over to VACANT, and thus, unlock the door.

And seriously, do vegetarians just not travel or something? Because, airports have a decidedly unvegetarian-friendly menu at times, and so do airplanes. I suppose I should be glad to get any food at all, but my choices were turkey or ham.

No matter. On my first leg of the journey, I wind up on the same plane as Jonathan Evison. We had recently read together at a KNOCK release party (he's an incredibly funny writer, by the way). After the flight, I bugged him and his wife about grabbing some food, and he knew about this quaint airport diner that turned out to be not that good (it was recommended to him--not his choice). But, we tried it. We got called "y'all" and had some great shakes. The burgers (mine was a veggie) were not all that great and the special sauce...not all that special. However, I got to bug Mr. Evison about Soft Skull Press (his new book, All About Lulu, is scheduled to come out soon on the Soft Skull label and they are one of my favorite publishers). He had nothing but good things to say.

Fresh off the plane in Cleveland, I get treated to a wind-tunnel barrage of cold. Oh yeah, so that's what cold is. Living in Seattle makes me forgetful.

December 23, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 12

35

Harry is suddenly in some sort of other-world. He has a conversation with Dumbledore, where Dumbledore sort of explains that Harry is dead, or not, depending on Harry's choice. Dumbledore seems to be saying that since Voldemort and Harry are bound as one, Harry can go back to life, now, without the part of Voldemort's soul that he used to be carrying. This doesn't make a ton of sense, but whatever.

36

Harry comes back to life, then plays dead as Voldemort has Harry's body carried back to Hogwarts. When they get to the school, there is a brief demonstration of Voldemort's power just before all heck breaks loose. The centaurs and house elves get involved and Neville destroys the "last" Horcrux by slicing up Voldemort's serpent friend (even though Dumbledore described Harry as the last Horcrux in Chapter 35). Then, a battle takes place in which the Death Eaters are routed and somehow Harry and Voldemort end up facing off with everyone watching. Then Harry explains that Draco is the "real" master of the Elder Wand and since Harry defeated Draco during the last few chapters, Harry is the real master now. I'm completely unclear on a bunch of things, here. How did Draco become master of the Elder Wand? How did Neville get a hold of the sword of Gryffindor? (Last I knew, it was in a goblin's hands.) And I'm still thinking it doesn't really make any sense that Harry came back to life and all. But, whatever.

Epilogue

We are presented with proof that Harry and Ginny finally got it on, because now it is 19 years later and they have three kids. Ron and Hermione managed it, too, as they are there, sending their kid off to Hogwarts, also. Neville is apparently a teacher at Hogwarts, but we are given no information on what the others are doing for a living besides raising kids, which would have actually been interesting. As it is, the epilogue is entirely redundant.

December 21, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 11

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages--pages I'd rather skip--but since I really want to find out what happened, I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my concise summary of the book, so you don't have to read it. Finally, we are near the end.

!!! SPOILERS !!! SPOILERS !!! SPOILERS !!!

31

Ron and Hermione figure out a way to destroy the Hufflepuff Horcrux, then they catch up to Harry who has figurd out where the "last Horcrux" is. They find it, destroy it, then mention that they still have to destroy the snake, Nagini, who is apparently now the last Horcrux. Meanwhile, they have a run-in with Crabbe, Goyle, and Draco. Crabbe dies of his own ineptitude and Goyle and Draco need to be rescued from Crabbe's fire creatures. At the end of the chapter, there is some kind of confusing event (explosion?) during the battle of Hogwarts and Fred Weasley dies.

32

Harry, Ron, and Hermione fight their way through mayhem including spiders, giants and dementors. They use the tunnel that starts at the Whomping Willow to crawl to where Voldemort is talking to Snape. Harry spies on Voldemort as he tells Snape (essentially) that he experiences erectile dysfunction whenever he faces Harry Potter (this is couched in terms like "my wand failed" and such). Then, Voldemort explains that since Snape killed Dumbledore and that Voldemort took Dumbledore's wand, Voldemort must kill Snape to be the full "owner" of the Elder Wand. So he has Nagini bite Snape and runs off to join the battle. Harry comes out of hiding to watch Snape die, but when Snape sees him Snape says, "Take it...take it..." and then dies, but not before he emits a shifty, silvery blue non-gas that Harry and Hermione collect in a flask. We know that Harry knows what it is because Rowling tells us, but I don't know what it is until next chapter, because I don't remember every solid thing about the Harry Potter universe.

33

Voldemort gives everybody one hour to send Harry Potter to meet him in the Forbidden Forest. Then, Harry ditches Ron and Hermione and uses the vial of Snape's memories to do some sightseeing in Snape's past. We find out that Snape was on Dumbledore's side all along, and had even been asked to kill Dumbledore, and this partnership came about because of Snape's childhood crush on Lily, Harry's mother.

34

Harry Potter decides to go through with the plan: give himself up to Voldemort. Apparently, Ron and Hermione could give a crap because they don't even bother trying to find him and help. Harry grabs the Resurrection Stone, chats with a bunch of ghosts (his parents, Sirius, and more), sees Neville Longbottom (and tells him to kill Nagini), then meets up with Voldemort. Harry lets Voldemort draw his wand and flash a green light at him.


The conclusion...and a return to normal blogging coming soon....

December 19, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 9

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages--pages I'd rather skip--but since I really want to find out what happened, I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my concise summary of the book, so you don't have to read it.

!!! SPOILERS !!! SPOILERS !!! SPOILERS !!!

Chapter 28

Harry, Ron, and Hermione Disapperate into Hogsmeade, but the whole place is swarming with Death Eaters looking for them. They are saved by someone they recognize as the bartender from the Hog's Head, then no one expresses any amount of surprise when they discover he is actually Albus Dumbledore's brother. He agrees to help them sneak into Hogwarts, then Neville Longbottom hops out of a portrait.

Chapter 29

After walking through a portrait into Hogwarts, Dumbledore's Army gathers (this includes people I actually remember, like Luna, Fred, George, Ginny, and Cho). Somehow, they reason that the "last Horcrux" looks like the lost diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw, so Luna takes Harry to see a sculpture of it so they know what it looks like. Then, they are caught by Alecto Carrow (apparently one of the evil people I don't remember from previous books), who immediately summons Voldemort.

Chapter 30

Luna takes care of one Carrow (both the Carrow twins I don't remember are there now), then Professor McGonagall shows up and takes care of the other. Then, McGonagall decides to risk it all, sends Snape into cowardly running, and alerts the entire castle while beginning an evacuation plan for the kids. Meanwhile, the rest of the Weasley family shows up, as well as Lupin, Harry's whole Quidditch team, and more--they are all ready to fight Voldemort who is at the gates.

December 17, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 9

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
is 965 pages--pages I'd rather skip--but since I really want to find
out what happened, I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next
three chapters in my concise summary of the book, so you don't have to
read it.

!!! SPOILERS !!! SPOILERS !!! SPOILERS !!!

Chapter 25

Harry is a little surprised at himself for deciding not to try to beat Voldemort to the Elder Wand, especially as he can "not remember ever before, choosing not to act". Apparently, Harry has forgotten most of the first half of this book. Harry makes an ill-advised, sneaky deal with Griphook, the goblin, that contains a lot of ultimately irrelevant foreboding overtones, for while Harry, Ron, and Hermione think that they need the sword of Gryffindor to destroy Horcruxes, they are conveniently proven wrong later on in the book.

Chapter 26

Surprise! What with all the foreboding undertones and all, no one would actually be surprised that Griphook takes off with the sword the minute he gets his hands on it. However, he does help Harry, Ron, and Hermione break into a Gringott's vault. Then, the three of them escape by riding a dragon out. In the meantime, they manage to steal the cup of Hufflepuff, which is apparently a Horcrux. I know I'm not reading this as closely as some Harry Potter fans, but this is the first I've heard of this Hufflepuff cup being a Horcrux. Was this actually mentioned somewhere earlier?

Chapter 27

For some reason (perhaps a lack of fact-checking), Voldemort thinks he killed Dumbledore (on p. 704). He also finally figures out that Harry is hunting Horcruxes and goes to check on them to see that they're safe. Harry, meanwhile, reads Voldemort's mind through his dream/bond connection and thusly finds out the "last Horcrux" is at Hogwarts.

December 10, 2007

I am coming to NYC

And I want the best people in the city (you) to welcome me.

I get off the Amtrak at 7:35pm (Penn Station) on December 26th. I would like there to be hugs and photo opportunities. And after that: dinner and drinks. Also, I'm still not exactly sure where I'm staying, so offer me a place if you feel like it. I think I have this covered, but I haven't confirmed anything as yet and I like to have options.

So, if you want to come to what may end up being a mass MySpace meetup, keep in mind that the train could well be late (as Amtrak usually is). I'll be updating key people of any delays by text message, but you can also call Amtrak and ask about the 48 Lake Shore Limited.

(And, if you're one of the folks that recently offered me and my two travel partners a place to stay, I'll be in touch soon. Thanks!)

So...let's discuss the trip, people. What should we see? Where should we drink? I've been once before, but both my travel comrades will be there for the first time.

December 04, 2007

Now you don't have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 8

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
is 965 pages--pages I'd rather skip--but since I really want to find
out what happened, I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next
three chapters in my concise summary of the book, so you don't have to
read it.

Chapter 22

Harry, Ron, and Hermione listen to the radio. Then, Harry says the word, "Voldemort" and suddenly they are surrounded by nasty folks, as the Ministry has instituted a way of tracking the name.

Chapter 23

The trio is captured by the nasty folks (which begs the question: if Hermione has time to cast a spell on Harry in order to disguise him, why didn't she just grab Harry and Ron and Disapparate out of there like she's been doing time and time again throughout the book so far?). However, the disguise spell doesn't even matter, because Harry is eventually found out and they are brought to the Malfoys. Voldemort is summoned but before he can get there, Dobby the house elf saves Harry by Disapparating him away, with the sword of Gryffindor and the goblin, Griphook. There is a confusing moment in which I think Dobby dies because the sword accidentally punctured him, but in the next chapter I learn that Dobby died from a dagger thrown right at Harry Potter as they Disapparated. Don't ask me how a dagger thrown right at Harry ends up killing Dobby because I don't know. Dobby's last words are, "Harry..Potter..."

Chapter 24

Harry Potter digs a grave for Dobby and figures out where the Elder Wand is (at Hogwarts). He figures that Voldemort is going after the Elder Wand, but since Dumbledore wanted Harry to go for Horcruxes, he decides not to go after the wand himself. This is probably a good decision, because if someone told me about a wand that made you unbeatable, and then explained how the wand had been passed down from wizard to wizard after each new owner defeated the previous owner, I'd be a little suspicious of the wand's merit.

(Special thanks to Nina and Swede Hurt, who especially seem to enjoy this blog series.)

December 03, 2007

Roadnotes: San Francisco 2

The following is based on events that happened on November 30 and a little bit of December 1 and 2.

...

We walk around, see a bunch of stuff, eat a bunch of food. You know...San Francisco type things.

Saturday night, we meet up with friends of the girlfriend's and we all go and make nuisances of ourselves at a bar.

...

We regain consciousness at the Fairmont hotel and wonder how anyone could possibly be awake at the hour of 11:20am. It's too early, but we get up anyway. There's the whole checking out thing and I haven't seen food for 12 hours. That's approximately crisis-time, for me.

We run into our drinking cohorts and they are worse off than us, some of them.

We eat.

Then, we sample the photography of the SF MOMA with a good friend of mine from the Denver days. She takes us to the Millennium after that and we are pleasantly pleased with the food, service, everything.

...

My girlfriend is still suffering from a hangover when we get to the airport. Though she had teased me about paying for water on our way to San Francisco, now when I ask her if she wants water she says "Yes" without a pause.

The flight back is smooth and easy, so far as we know.

December 01, 2007

Roadnotes San Francisco 1

The following is based on events that happened on November 30 and a little bit of December 1.

...

Once again, I am reminded that vegetarians are not welcome at the Seattle airport. It's sad when your best option for non-meat protein is a BK Veggie sandwich. Ah well. I ate, anyway.

...

My girlfriend makes fun of me for buying water while waiting to board the plane.

"You can get water for free anytime you want on the plane," she says.

But I need water big time. I pretty much never stop drinking it and prefer to have it on hand.

...

On the plane, I wait until the personnel are busy, then I ask, "Want some water?"

The plan, of course, is for her to say, "Yes," and then for me to say, "Well, just snap for your fingers, then, and I'm sure it will appear. You can get water any time you want." But she doesn't fall for it.

...

We touch down at SFO around 9:30 but it's 11:00 by the time we get to our hotel. There, the hotel clerk hooks us up with a sweet room upgrade, free of charge. This doesn't happen to me when I'm not traveling with a beautiful woman.

After we drop off our bags, we walk around Japantown a bit, then hop in a cab and head for Nopa. There, we eat well, drink well, and are served well. Well well well.

And that was the night, more or less.

November 28, 2007

Top Search Engine Keywords for Finding My Web Site

The top 30 things people typed in search engines to find my Web site, aarondietz.us:

1.aaron dietz235
2.anti website5
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November 27, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 7

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
is 965 pages--pages I'd rather skip--but since I really want to
find out what happened, I'm going to finish the series. Here are the
next three chapters in my concise summary of the book, so you don't
have to read it.

Chapter 19

Ron is lead by a mysterious light to rejoin Harry, whom Ron saves from drowning. Ron also finds the sword of Gryffindor and destroys the Horcrux. Then, they talk about all this with Hermione for 10 pages.

Chapter 20

Ron catches Harry and Hermione up on the latest wizard news, then they all visit the Lovegoods to find out more about the symbol of the Deathly Hallows.

Chapter 21

Harry, Ron, and Hermione spring a trap at the Lovegoods, but not before they listen to tales about the Deathly Hallows. Somewhere mid-chapter, they discuss wand lengths in a thinly-veiled penis-size joke.

November 25, 2007

Roadnotes: Portland

I went to Portland to play video games.

Really. I've been working a lot of hours and I needed a total geek break, so that's all I did all weekend, thanks to my sister who can be just as obsessive as I am sometimes (and who also makes a terrific grilled cheese sandwich).

I did take a break from gaming to meet up with Spilt >Milk, who hosted a crazy-fun hangout (chronicled somewhat here and here), but otherwise my time was focused on ignoring work I brought with me, rescuing a Jedi named Bastila, becoming the best duelist on Taris, learning and playing an alien card game, and finding a way through a Sith blockade.

So, yeah. I was busy.

To the following, it was great to meet you: F.R.A.N.I., off the heezy fo sheezy, britta, Thad, armatronix, and numerous individuals of the hosts' entourage (family).

And to the following, it was great to see you again: Spilt >Milk, my sister, A, Lavell, and Robin (the last two didn't make it to Spilt's but I did manage to see them over food).

Spilt and F.R.A.N.I. - Thanks so much for hosting and for picking up a very good Scotch!

Now I'm back in Seattle and ready to work hard for one week. Next stop: San Francisco (this coming weekend).

November 19, 2007

Dogboy Lives!

Dogboy returns with his own Web site: AdventuresOfDogboy.com!

Adventures of Dogboy is a community project run by me. Its purpose is to defeat the horrors of meaningless Mondays. There is an Art page for people who create Dogboy art. There are also numerous Dogboy stories that have been written by people like YOU*--these stories will be posted on future Mondays.

Now you have a reason to get up on Monday: to read the latest Adventures of Dogboy story. That's right. A Dogboy story comes out every Monday.

Pop quiz, hot shot: Dogboy comes out on a certain day. Which day is it?**




* Not just like you, actually, because you are unique. No one in the universe could ever be just like you, you spectacular individual, you.

** Hint: the answer is not "Drive a bus at speeds over 55mph."

November 16, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 6

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages--pages I'd
rather skip--but since I really just want to find out what happened,
I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my
concise summary of the book, so you don't have to read it.

Chapter 16

Harry's been wanting to go to Godric's Hollow for 400 pages. He finally goes there.

Chapter 17

Harry and Hermione are attacked by a snake but escape anyway--at the expense of Harry's wand, which is broken in the confusing battle. The battle would have been less confusing (and much more exciting) had Harry not been in a magical stupor/dream the whole time. As it is, this fight sequence comes across as a bad description of a drug trip.

Chapter 18

Harry reads an entire chapter of a book.

November 14, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 5

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages--pages I'd
rather skip--but since I really just want to find out what happened,
I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my
concise summary of the book, so you don't have to read it.

Chapter 13

After 340 pages, something finally happens! Harry, Ron, and Hermione steal the horcrux from inside the Ministry! Of course, I am still trying to remember what it is and why they need it because despite this book's excessive length, it hasn't managed to fill me in on that (perhaps it's my fault I can't remember anything that happened in the last book except Dumbledore dying like a wimp)

Chapter 14

Harry has a dream that doesn't make sense (for about the fifth time in the book).

Chapter 15

Ron and Harry have a fight over -- surprise -- they have a fight over how they never do anything. Ron goes home.

November 12, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 4

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages--pages I'd
rather skip--but since I really just want to find out what happened,
I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my
concise summary of the book, so you don't have to read it.

Chapter 10

Harry Potter rummages around in Grimmauld Place, an old hideout of the Order of the Phoenix. He finds nothing.

Chapter 11

Harry, Ron, and Hermione continue hanging out in Grimmauld Place, doing nothing. Harry is mean to their only two visitors: Lupin and Mundungus.

Chapter 12

Harry, Ron, and Hermione actually do something, and by "something", I mean they sneak into the Ministry of Magic's headquarters. However, their sneaky plan takes so long that the chapter ends before anything cool happens.

November 07, 2007

Now you don’t have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 3

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages--pages I'd
rather skip--but since I really just want to find out what happened,
I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my
concise summary of the book, so you don't have to read it.

Chapter 7

Harry Potter opens birthday presents, makes out with Ginny, and then makes out with a snitch left to him through Dumbledore's will.

Chapter 8

A decidedly ordinary wedding and celebration drones on for 20 pages before an exciting message is delivered: "The ministry [of Magic] has fallen." The chapter ends.

Chapter 9

The wedding celebration is crashed by Death Eaters, but Harry, Ron, and Hermione escape lickety-split. Harry gets a headache, for the second or third time already in this book.

November 06, 2007

I was in drag for Halloween (pictures!)

...and I was wearing a Clarissa original. It's a beautiful dress, and is a fine example of the work Clarissa does.

(I know I usually don't advertise services on my blog, but I absolutely love this designer's work, and I commissioned a dress from her specifically for my night in drag--so I'm going to show it off!)



Need a dress for a special night out? Clarissa's work is amazing, and way cheaper than [insert famous fashion designer name here].



I can't recommend her enough, but I'll quit now because anyone can see from the picture that her work is exquisite. If you're interested in a dress, contact Clarissa here.

(Oh yeah--she also helps people without fashion sense shop for clothes, and has been very successful at turning clueless men into hot items overnight!)

November 03, 2007

Now you don't have to read the last Harry Potter book, part 2

My copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is 965 pages--pages I'd rather skip--but since I really just want to find out what happened, I'm going to finish the series. Here are the next three chapters in my concise summary of the book, so you don't have to read it.

Chapter 4

The wizards spend six pages discussing a simple plan to move Harry Potter to a safer place. Then, Harry spends nine pages crashing a motorcycle.

Chapter 5

Apparently, some wizard I can't remember from previous Harry Potter books dies. The remaining wizards drink.

Chapter 6

Harry, Ron, and Hermione do chores.

October 30, 2007

How to tell if you are in love, for robots and mildly autistic people

If you're like me, it's hard to tell what emotion you are feeling. That's why I've come up with a list of measurable phenomena that can help!

How to tell if you are in love, for robots and mildly autistic people:

1. You check your email just to see if a certain person wrote.
2. You think about that person 482 times a day or more.
3. Your heart rate increases when that person texts you, even if it's a simple message, like, "Hello".
4. You find yourself uninterested in boning other people.
5. Your stomach experiences roller coaster-style sinking sensations when they tell you bad news that might separate you, like that they might move away.
6. More stuff like the above.

October 21, 2007

An Ordered List of Things That Drive Technological Development

In the last decade, porn has surpassed war and space exploration as the most influential creator of new technologies.*

1. Porn
2. War
3. Space Exploration





* Data not actually gathered from anywhere.

October 11, 2007

"Hot" woman makes me want to throw up

At the grocery store, I got in line behind a woman with these characteristics:

1. Beauty queen face.
2. Voluptuous body.
3. Clothes that fit well.
4. A shirt that exposed veritable cleavage.

Here is what she was buying, among other things:

1. Hershey's chocolate syrup.
2. Folger's coffee.
3. A bag of Reese's peanut butter cups.
4. A bag of M&M's.

When I thought of how much slavery she was supporting in her single trip to the grocery store, I wanted to puke all over her. She instantly became the ugliest person in the store.

Ladies and gentlemen, no lenience will be granted just because Halloween approaches. Buying slavery-grown cocoa products is not just quiet acquiescence--it is an action of avid support.

Don't make me puke on you.

October 08, 2007

Statistics

Number of messages in my MySpace inbox: 364

Percentage of those messages that are from Fantastic H: 33

Percentage of those messages that are from King Rusty: 8

Percentage of those messages that are from profiles that have since been deleted: 12

Time (in minutes) spent walking to and from work, per weekday: 17

Percentage that time waiting for stop lights: 42

Number of photos I've taken of my dog: 0

Number of dogs I own: 0

Record time (in seconds) I have spent masturbating without a break: 14,827

Estimated amount of lube (in ounces) used per month: 8.2

Career win-loss record at Connect Four: 142-73

Connect Four record, last ten games: 1-9

Percentage of these statistics that are completely made up: 31

Percentage of these statistics that are accurate to within five percent: 62



What are YOUR statistics?

October 05, 2007

Yes, I wrote a porn

A lot of you have expressed interest in the "porn" screenplay I wrote and tried to produce over the summer. Well, read it for yourself: A Tiny Silence. I've also included a few storyboards and a bunch of notes on making the porn. I think I could have written a book about it, but I didn't. I have other books to write (and I'm working on those).

Enjoy.

Er, whatever.

September 24, 2007

Roadnotes: Olympia

The four members of a secret online society met in real life for the first time in Olympia, over the Friday evening of September 14, 2007.

Damn Special Secret Agent of God arrived in Seattle by high-speed limo-yacht. There, I made sure she saw the inside of at least one seedy bar before we began our helicopter ride to Olympia.

In Olympia, we met Desi at her Zero Net Ecological Impact fort. And from there we proceeded to a haven of culture and atmosphere in the heart of the town. The keyest member (if only because he founded the group), A, teleported in to meet us, but not until after he had missed the first band, which happened to be the spectacular Controlla Cola (here's a review of a Controlla Cola song, written by me). Next, we rocked our bums off to Sugar Skulls (and here's a review of a Sugar Skulls song, written by me).

After re-purchasing our bums from bums, we retreated to the fort for food and minimal sleep and maximum conversation. It was swell. Pictures were taken.

September 22, 2007

Why I Try Not To Get Upset When People Are Seemingly Stupid

The other day I was walking through a hallway at work and encountered a dog. He was a fairly big dog, standing there, panting, hanging out in the middle of the hallway. He was blocking my path and he didn't get out of the way as I approached.

So, I scooted to one side, sauntered sideways past him, and went on my way.

Within the next few seconds I ran into two people talking in the hallway. They were blocking my path and didn't get out of my way as I approached. I scooted to one side, sauntered sideways past them, and went on my way.

September 19, 2007

Newly discovered Windows and Mac features save you time!

You can save time by making use of this exciting, newly-discovered feature available on many contemporary operating systems! Here's how!

For Windows Vista users, follow these instructions:

1. Click on Start (or the four color flag, at the bottom left of the screen).
2. Click the triangle at the bottom right of the menu that appears.
3. Select the option on the very bottom of the list that appears.
4. Wallah! You save time!

For Windows XP users:

1. Click on Start.
2. Click the button on the bottom right hand corner of the menu that appears.
3. Press Enter to confirm your selection.
4. Hey, hey, free time galore!

For Mac OS X users:

1. Click on the Apple symbol.
2. Click the second to last item in the menu that appears.
3. Press Enter to confirm your selection.
4. Time to party!

September 10, 2007

I gambled and won


I called it my anti-suicide plan.

Over two years ago, I found that the only work I could get was uninspiring and made me wish I was dead, so instead of disemboweling myself, I walked out on my temp job at The Corporation and quit working altogether. That was in the fall of 2005.

I went back to school for the sole purpose of using financial aid money to pay rent. I lived off of school loans and credit cards and a few small commissions and freelance contracts. I wasn't always happy, but I didn't wish myself dead anymore and I was more prolific in my writing than ever before.

I traveled more than I should have and spent a good deal of money on organic food. On top of that, I went to a school that costs around twenty grand per year. When I graduated this past June, I had racked up a total debt of about eighty grand. My cards were maxed. There was no more financial aid coming in. My plan was failing.

The situation was severe. On the day I decided I'd have to sell my LEGOs and my 1974 Fender Precision bass (it used to be my aunt's) and my mom's 1969 Contessa guitar (these were the last of my valuable possessions), I got an email from a friend that said he was hiring.

Now, here's my situation:

1. I work at a place where they play with LEGOs during team meetings and jam to Guitar Hero II during breaks.
2. I moved a few blocks from my new job and now I can see the water and mountain sunsets from my fourth floor studio.
3. My expensive education at Antioch transformed me into a better person and I continue to be enriched by the perspective I earned--it was worth every penny.
4. Having spent most of my time over the last two and some years writing, I've developed into a better writer and learned a lot about the publishing world, too.

So...I got lucky. I'm grateful. I escaped something that wouldn't have been pleasant. I gambled and won.



(Coming up next: newly-discovered features on both Macs and PCs can help you save time!)

September 01, 2007

On War...

A couple quotes, from On War, a book written in the 1800s that is still used as an introductory text to those being educated for war:

No one starts a war--or rather no one in his senses ought to do so--without first being clear in his mind what he intends to achieve by that war and how he intends to conduct it.

Once the expenditure of effort exceeds the value of the political object, the object must be renounced and peace must follow.

I just thought that since these are such basic concepts, we should all know and understand them, just in case one of us is elected president by a sibling in Florida, for instance.

August 23, 2007

All Work and No Play Has Turned Me Into a Porn Film Producer

And today, a very special post goes up on SongWonder.com, where I write just about every day about one awesome song, and I even give you a link for you to listen to it. If you're not familiar with Rachael Pollard, I hope you'll at least listen to "Crazy For You" and see what you think.

So...I haven't been out and about much (meaning: "on the Internet") since I've been busy helping to produce an 8-minute silent porn comedy for the HUMP festival (if you know someone that might be interested in a role, let me know). I'm also working a new job, apartment hunting, and preparing for yet another newer job I'll start in a few weeks.

August 15, 2007

Statistics


Ever notice that about half* of all Missed Connections in Seattle occur in Starbucks? I think there is a correlation of some kind.




* A subjective number.**

** Not actually, but I'm using it that way.

August 01, 2007

July 25, 2007

Let's Review Our Emoticons, Shall We?

It's important to keep up on the latest emoticons so that we can all continue to communicate effectively in our fast-evolving technological world. You might want to review these, just in case they are not yet in your regular witty repertoire. Emoticons are followed swiftly by their meanings. Study up!

&

Winding road ahead.


%

I fell off the teeter-totter!


\?\

Oh, why does the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean?! Why?!


[]/

The oven door won't stay shut LOL!


=T=T=T= | =T=

Someone broke my favorite bar stool ROFL!


And now for my favorite (which also happens to be the inspiration for this blog):

^ _~@ ^

This one was created by the wonderful literary mastermind, Fantastic H. It is an emoticon of me flying over the pyramids while drinking Scotch.

What are YOUR favorite emoticons?

July 23, 2007

Libraries Rule

And because libraries rule, chances are you don't have to purchase my book, Reserved For Emperors. Everyone I've talked to that has filled out a purchase request form at their public library has had success. Here are just a few:

King County Library System: 3 copies, 1 checked out.
Denver Public Library: 2 copies, both checked out.
Charleston County Public Library: 1 copy, checked in.
La Crosse Public Library: 1 copy, checked in.

Most libraries have purchase request forms on their Web site these days, so it's really that easy to get a hold of my book for free. Not to mention, many libraries release new book purchasing funds in July (new fiscal year), so they probably have some collection development staff sitting around wondering what to spend the money on. Help them out.

And it doesn't stop there! Do you know of an obscure DVD your library should own? Do they not have the educational book you'd rather not buy yourself? Have you been too poor to buy the latest novel from your favorite experimental writer? Request these items, and more, from your local public library. Make sure it's not in their collection, first, then simply fill out the form and wait....

July 20, 2007

Sex Is Like The Grand Canyon

You can go see it by yourself...and it's awesome.

But it's much better if you share the experience with a loved one.

July 17, 2007

How I Got a Girl to Bark Like a Dog

Actually, it was rather easy.

I invited her up to my 2nd floor apartment, and when people walked by below, talking loudly, she asked, "Can I bark at them?"

"Of course!" I said. What gentleman would refuse a lady a good barking?

So she barked.

It kinda' freaked me out.






:: Today's blog is in honor of The Redhead, who may or may not be visiting today (because with The Redhead, you can never tell about such things).

July 11, 2007

I almost thought that I did something stupid

I was microwaving something when I almost thought that I might have put a fork in the microwave.

But fortunately, I didn't think that.

July 08, 2007

Roadnotes: Rockaway, OR 3

The following is based on events that happened on July 5th and 6th.



By the second morning here, we had settled into a morning routine, which consisted of coffee and nothing else (which is a perfect morning routine).

We go kayaking.  At first I'm confused because we only use one vehicle to get there. I'm used to the Midwest, where yo park one car at one part of the river, then drive upstream and set sail from there. It takes me a while to figure out that kayaking in an ocean is a little different. You just head out into the bay in whatever direction you want.

In the evening, I win at Scrabble despite a three bourbon handicap.

The next morning, on the drive back, NPR is drowned out by a mountain as we cruise through a tunnel.



(The answer to the last blog's challenge: I didn't walk through hot coals.)

July 06, 2007

Roadnotes: Rockaway, OR 2

The following is based on events that happened on July 3rd and 4th.



A list of firsts* from the first two days of this trip:

1. I taste crab for the first time.

2. I buy my first crabbing license ("crabbing" meaning we went out to catch crabs--the kind from the ocean).

3. I hear a recording of Chris Cornell covering** "Billy Jean".

4. I try a homemade blackberry wine.

5. I walk barefoot through hot coals, on a dare.

6. I finish my first ever porn screenplay.

7. I sit as close to the fireworks as possible. This causes the explosion to appear to happen directly above the audience, which to me makes every firework look like a quickly-descending spaceship (which has special significance to me but you'll have to pay attention to the next six months of the 100 Nights column to find out why).



* Hey kids! One item in this list isn't true. Guess the right one and you will win the pleasure of having guessed the right one!***

** Incidentally, one of my fine hosts on this trip asked the question: "Why do we call it a 'cover' when someone does someone else's song?" Does anyone know?

*** Actual pleasure will be experienced differently by each user.

July 05, 2007

Roadnotes: Rockaway, OR 1

Journal entry: July 3rd

I went camping once, in Wyoming, and we were about to go to sleep when this light just sort of...switched on. It was bright.

We couldn't see what was making the light because of the trees, so we took off, into the woods. We didn't need flashlights.

I was excited. I had been reading up on UFOs and I thought maybe we were about to see something incredible.

We made our way through trees and more trees and then we saw it: it was the moon. It was nothing more than the moon, huge on the horizon. It was the moon.



Another time, I was camping in Colorado in sub-freezing temperatures. I had gotten drunk off of a half bottle of Woodford Reserve and added a few mushrooms to that.

I wandered into the woods and found a place to pee. As I let it out, I looked up. Through the thick forest canopy I could see the stars and I knew that everything was just perfect.

But the thing is, I remember thinking that everything was perfect, but I don't actually remember what that felt like.

And now I'm on the Oregon coast. As the others prepare for bed, I step out of the house, the beautiful house with the nice deck with a view of the ocean. I step out and walk around the house until I'm out of reach of the yard light. There is very little light pollution and I look up.

The stars are out. The constellations are easy to spot.

But I'm stuck. I can't feel it.

It's not perfect for me, anymore, no matter how perfect it is.

Also, I lost at Yahtzee today. Big time.

July 02, 2007

A Blog Can Bring Down An Empire

An excerpt from Alfred Katar's journal, Production Manager for the first Death Star:

 

Of course I considered the possibility that some farmboy would throw a couple proton torpedoes down that chute and blow the whole thing up! We consider everything: cheese in the vents, parasites in the mail, an irregular muscle twitch happening to Lord Vader while he's practicing light saber--you name it, we thought of it and had a design for the Death Star that accounted for it.

Our original proposal included a fix for the "farmboy proton torpedo" scenario, but budget cuts forced us to eliminate several fixes on our Least Plausible Scenario list (the rebels alternatively could have simply melted a candy bar over exhaust port subvalve 6843 to achieve the same effect).

Still, we figured we were okay. Who would think of using proton torpedoes against the Death Star? And why would they target that particular two meter section of real estate? It just didn't make ordinary strategic sense.

However, one of the technicians posted a blog about the "farmboy proton torpedo" scenario on our internal DeathNet. I read it. It was pretty funny and completely satirical. I didn't even make him take it down--who would take a blog seriously, anyway?

How was I to know that some Internet-obsessed droid would get on board and start reading our blogs? That was the one scenario we didn't consider.



Protect the Internet. It's our only hope.

June 29, 2007

Re-education: A Definition

Kazoo :: [kuh-zoo] :: -noun


The Microsoft Word 2000 suggested replacement for the word "Kosovo".


Usage :: My father's last tour of duty before retirement was in Kazoo.

June 27, 2007

Get Rid Of Your Car

I'm not going to tell you to get rid of your car for the environment's sake, to sacrifice convenience for the well-being of the planet. I'm not going to mention the environment at all--no global warming guilt trip, no climate crisis lecture, yada yada--nothing. Because ultimately it shouldn't take that to convince you. Getting rid of your car is just plain common sense. In fact, getting rid of your car isn't a sacrifice at all. Your life will be all the better for it and I'll explain how. Don't do it for the world. Do it for yourself.

Let's begin by listing just a few things that drive you crazy. Perhaps you have a long commute. Maybe heavy traffic puts you in a bad mood. And wow, those gas prices are not going to go down (maybe another war would help!). But you have the power to leave all these troubles behind. You're not giving up anything by giving up your car unless you think you're going to miss the big ‘ol pain in the neck that the automobile is. It's weighing you down. It's restricting your freedom. And it's burning a hole in your pocket.

I know what your number one priority is, so let's talk about that first. You want to get to work and back home as fast as possible. No matter how far away your workplace is, you can get there faster in a car as opposed to any other method of transportation, right? Obviously, if you're using public transportation it'll take even longer to get to work. I won't argue that point. If there's anything we can both agree on, it's that public transportation in the United States does not work (excepting New York City) and in too many towns it is nonexistent. Anyone who depends on public transportation is doomed to a long life of waiting, whether it's for trains or buses.

So here I am, trying to tell you that everything's going to be swell if you give up your car, and you know this is not true because it will take you three transfers and two hours on the bus to get to work. Well, then...I think you may have found the solution to your problem all by yourself. You're going to have to move. Your home and workplace should be close together. They should be within walking distance of each other. It's that simple.

Yes, giving up your car means moving, but that's okay. You'll be happier in your new neighborhood. You want to know why? Because since you don't have a car, you'll choose a neighborhood that has everything you want in it, all within walking distance. You'll go to the grocery store, post office, library, restaurants, bars--you name it--all on foot. Everything will be right there, including your work. It will take time to relocate and you may also have to find a job in your prospective neighborhood but it is all worth it. You'll even save money.

I know--living in this type of neighborhood could cost you an increase in rent or force you into a higher mortgage payment. And it's normal to worry about costs like this. But before you draw any conclusions, I want you to total up all your car repairs and car payments and the money you spent on gas last year. Still think you can't afford a change in location? A better question is: how do you afford your car in the first place?

You did do the math, right? No? Okay, then, we'll do it right now. Let's assume your car payment is a reasonable $200 a month. Let's add in modest car repairs and regular maintenance of $300 every year, a pretty good insurance rate of $150 for six months, and of course $3.50 per gallon for every 30 miles you drive (let's assume you only drive 10,000 miles per year). I'm not even counting how much you spend on registering the vehicle, or even taking it to the car wash. Add all these costs up and you get a total of $4,167 per year. Is that a pretty significant portion of your salary? I thought so. Even if your rent goes up $200 a month because of your move to your new neighborhood, you still save $1,767. Could you use that money? Would you like to go to Europe? And the estimated costs I used above are fairly conservative. You might spend five, six, or even seven grand, depending on what you drive and how far you drive it. Getting rid of this vehicle will save you money, money enough that even if you rent a car once a month to go to PodunkTown to visit relatives, you're still coming out ahead of the game.

But wait--the savings don't stop there. You'll save money on health care costs, too. Why? Because you'll be healthier. You'll accomplish this by walking. You'll be in shape in no time, because you'll be exercising everyday, everywhere you go. And then you'll go in to see the doctor and the doctor will wonder how it is that you're so fit when you don't necessarily do anything but walk (by this time, you will have realized how absurd it is to drive a car to a gym in order to walk around a track for a half hour before driving home).

So now you're saving on your gym membership, too. But the benefits are not all about money. You'll be happier, whether you go to Europe or not. You'll be healthier, sure, and perhaps you'll have a little bit more money to spend, but you'll also begin to truly enjoy your community. You can't know a place until you walk it, and you'll walk through your neighborhood on a daily basis. You'll get to know it well and this will make you feel connected. It will make you feel like you are a part of the world instead of a cold, dead body in a metal shell. You'll see the world in a completely different (and natural) light.

You'll be more spontaneous. Whenever you feel like it, you will stop at a quaint shop or a tea house. You won't have to worry about where to park your car or if the car will be safe. You won't have to dig for change for the meter or buy a parking stub from one of those machines. You'll just walk right in. You'll be walking along and see some place you want to go--maybe it's a park--maybe you'll walk right by a park and decide to stroll through it on your way to get groceries. You can't cut through the middle of parks in a car. You can't cut through anything in a car. In a car, you're confined to roads, confined to linear thinking. That's why this incredible solution to so many of life's problems doesn't occur to very many people.  They're stuck on the road.  But you--you can be free.

Your whole life will be transformed. You'll forget all about the car you used to own. Maybe you'll travel to see the Pyramids. Maybe you'll just put the extra money away for an early retirement. Whatever the case, you'll be more free than you've ever been.

June 25, 2007

The Speech of Champions

Ask not what your breakfast can do for inattentiveness; ask what inattentiveness can do for your breakfast!







(The answer: char it.)



June 22, 2007

Isn't that just how the world works...

Boo the administration!



The administration gets the top floor, while telling the public that the highest viewpoint is actually lower than it is. They're trying to shut us down!











Incidentally, there is a new 100 Nights adventure up at aarondietz.us: Sluts, You Will Not Faze Me!

June 19, 2007

And that’s just one reason why I don’t answer the phone

The sequence of events:



1. I order a veggie dog at the Cyber Dog Cafe (pretty good, but nowhere near as good as CRIF Dog in New York City).



2. My phone vibrates as I'm putting condiments on the dog. I look to see who is calling. It's Lorna, a cute girl I know. (I've called Lorna a couple times to hang out, but she is always busy.)



My thoughts at the moment: Maybe Lorna wants to have my children now!



3. I don't answer the phone because I'm not rude (usually).  So I finish with my condiments and take the veggie dog outside.



My thoughts at the moment: I'll just wait for her voicemail.



4. I start eating my veggie dog and walking home, waiting for the phone to tell me that a voicemail is ready, but it doesn't happen.



My thoughts at the moment: I guess whatever she wanted wasn't a big deal.



5. Five minutes later, my phone tells me a voicemail is ready.



My thoughts at the moment: She left a voicemail after all! And since it took so long, that must mean it's a very long voicemail and that must mean that she was confessing some sort of crush on me or something, right?! And she at least maybe wants to hang out or something, right?!



6. I dial the voicemail and listen. It is no message after all! It's her phone accidentally ringing me and I can hear Lorna and another woman talking and laughing. I listen to the whole message, unable to hear what they are saying and unable to hang up because I figure at some point, Lorna will discover that her phone is on and she will say, "Hello?  Hello?"  But she doesn't even do this.  She never notices.

June 18, 2007

Reverse Psychology

Whenever I play the lottery, I don't win.



So, if I actively don't play, I might win, right?

June 13, 2007

That dang double space

I am using Performancing, which is great because I can write the blog once and post it all over hell, so that way it's very little work for me to continue posting here so that Joey Polanski can read this stuff.... However, I'm really annoyed that when I use Performancing to post here, it turns my little double spaces after periods into a space and the HTML character set code for the extra space. So then it doesn't look nice.

Sorry, Joey P. I've been trying to remember to not use double spaces after periods, but I'm just not doing a good job of it.

Who Wants Aaaaaaron to Live in Their Town?

I just graduated.



I need a job.



Want me to move to your town?  Find me a job.  What kind of job?



Here's what I'm looking for, in order of importance:



1. Something in publishing (editing, grunt-work, whatever - I don't mind putting my foot in a door).

2. If not in publishing, book-related work (like for a library).

3. If not either of the above, a nonprofit organization or otherwise benevolent purpose for doing my job.  I can be pretty happy simply doing data entry if the data is helping doctors fight cancer.  Take that, cancer!



What possible skills and knowledge do I offer said job?



1. A B.A. in Arts and Literature, focused on experimental fiction and the future of book design.

2. Experience as a freelance writer and copy editor.

3. Experience as an advisory editor of KNOCK.

4. I have been tested recently and can type over 80 words per minute with 100 per cent accuracy.

5. I know a bit about Web design and programming.  I'm not an expert, but I know my way around a MySQL database and can code in ColdFusion.  I've dabbled in other Web programming languages, and it wouldn't take me long to catch up with anything else (PHP, etc.).  I can do a Web site's layout in CSS, design a database interface, or slap RSS feed content onto a home page.

6. I actually care about the work I do.  I want it to be good.  Employers love me, as my references will indicate.

7. I can learn anything and do anything and I will do it better than about 99.9 per cent of the United States work force.  My references once again will have no trouble telling you that this is the truth.



If you think of anything that sounds like it might work, let me know.  If you'd like a copy of my resume, let me know and I'll send you one.



And I promise to start blogging again soon.  Truly.